Harry Potter & Something or Other
by Astrid Ackerley Fausta Darcy
Summary: Fausta and Astrid, finally back. And this time. It's personal. (Now with a bolder, more robust taste.)
1. Preliminary Author's Note

> **Harry Potter and Something or Other**
> 
> _Preliminary Author's Note_
> 
> Imagine, if you will. A fanfiction. Two girls. Some guys. A hot teacher.   
***thwap*** Astrid ... not even.   
You already hit me in the head today ... I'm gonna get brain damage, I swear.   
Too late.   
You're so predictable.   
Bite. Me.   
That's one sentence. (n_n)>   
***smack***   
(!_!)>   
What the hell are those?   
(*.*)> Seeeeeverus ....   
Astrid ... Astrid, shite, you can't SAY "less than, parenthesis, star, period ... "   
(;_;)>   
STOP IT AND TALK TO ME!!!   
(-_-)>   
Fine, I can do this myself. Read the goddamned story you jibbering simps or feel the awesome power of SLYTHERIN!!! AAAH HA HA HA!! ***runs around, flapping her Hogwart's robes like a cape***   
(o.O)> Yeah. I'm the nuts one.   
Ech.   
Anyway, we had a point, didn't we?   
The one on the top of your head?   
(;^;)> That's only cuz you hit me so much ... my head is malformed ...   
Malformed? (-_-)> AAAH! DON'T DO IT FOR ME!!!   
Heh heh heh. (@.@)> Oooooh ...   
You didn't even have an excuse for that one.   
It looked neat ...   
Let's get down to business, Astrid, pet.   
Pet? Eeech ...   
This fanfiction ***ahem*** is one of the best you'll read. Please, feel free to tell us this.   
...   
Shite ...   
What?   
I really have nothing else to say. You?   
Um ... (n_n)>   
That's not speaking. That's a stupid little ... pointy person ... are those EARS or what!?   
(;_;)> You hurt his feelings ... it's okay Mr. Pointy-Head.   
Oh Christ ... um ... WE HAVE A WEBPAGE!   
Sort of.   
Don't say sort of. It's there. It's better than any of the other Harry Potter pages out there.   
... um ... [http://turn.to/slytherin/][1] ... it's not a cult. I promise.   
THE GRYFFINDOR SCUM WILL BE PURGED!!!   
Hush now Fausta ... it's all right ... we'll take you to see Madame Pomfrey ...   
***foams***   
Anyway, we also have an e-mail address. For ... e-mail! (n_n)> [slytherin@wouldilie.com][2] How appropriate!   
***squeak ... snuffle, scratch, squeak***   
OOOH! 'llo Severus!! Right, forgot to tell you ... if you wanna see the efervesent beauty of Fausta and myself --   
I'm the pretty one ...   
Yes you're --   
Pretty pretty ...   
I think she's --   
PRETTY! ***plays with her toes***   
Cracked. Anyway, you can check out our profile @ fanfiction.net ... OR ... d'you want to tell them Severus?   
***squeak ... gnaw ... gnaw gnaw ... ***   
No ... don't chew on Fausta's head dear ... do you want to tell them?   
*** ... ... ... quack***   
QUACK!? Oh lord ...   
***gnaw ... squeak squeakin zee squeak squeak***   
What d'you mean you can't speak? You're speaking now.   
*** ... .... ........ * **(-_-)>   
Dumb rat ... I can't believe Fausta didn't notice you chewing on her head though ...   
There's something CHEWING ON MY HEAD!? GEDIDOFF GEDIDOFF GEDIDOFFAMEEEEEE!!!!! ***runs around screaming and flailing her arms***   
It's not chewing on your head anymore.   
Oh. Right then. ***plunks down***   
_I'm_ supposed to be the nuts ones ... ***sniffle***   
Um ... damn, this isn't going anywhere ... read the fanfics and review, please! (n_n)>   
I DID NOT SAY THAT!! I'm mean and heartless and ... pretty ...   
Okay, on to chapter one ... _Screams of Agony_ ... you'll like it, really you will. (n_n)>   
REVIEW OR FEEL THAT WRATH OF --   
***gnaw gnaw gnaw***   
AAAAAAH! GET THAT BLOODY RAT OFFA ME!!!!   
Enjoy the fic ......... (n_n(')>

   [1]: http://turn.to/slytherin/
   [2]: slytherin@wouldilie.com



	2. Screams of Agony

> **Harry Potter and Something or Other**
> 
> _Chapter One_   
_Screams of Agony_
> 
> The scarlet red Hogwart's Express sped across the landscape at a startling speed. The landscape whipped past in a blur of green and blue ... and the occasional bit of brown and gray - those were houses and buildings and such, but that's really off topic, so we'll get back to the matter at hand. Which I seem to have forgotten. Oh yes! The train! Speeding across the landscape. At a startling speed, no less. But I've already mentioned that, haven't I?
> 
> "HARRY'S NOT GOING TO DIE!" Hermione screamed over at Ron in exasperation and Harry turned scarlet, sure that everyone on the train could hear the argument by this point.
> 
> "YES HE IS! SOMETHING BAD ALWAYS HAPPENS! And this is our last year! Harry's doomed! And we're probably doomed too, just for being associated with Harry ... no offence Harry," Ron added quickly, flushing a little himself as he glanced over at Harry.
> 
> "Oh ...none taken," Harry said hesitantly and glanced longingly towards the door of the cabin.
> 
> "Ron, you're being a git," Hermione stated flatly, "as usual." She added quickly before Ron could get a word in edgewise.
> 
> "I think I'm going to go ... away ... from you two," Harry muttered and moved towards the door, wondering why they had to discuss his mortality in front of him.
> 
> "HARRY! BE CAREFUL!" Ron screamed, and was immediately on his feet, running after his friend.
> 
> "Are you sure you're 17 Ron, honestly, you're acting like a 5 year old," Hermione muttered irritably as she got up herself and followed the two out of the cabin.
> 
> "Er ... you know, the point of leaving the cabin was ... " Harry couldn't force himself to continue - Ron and Hermione were his best friends after all, even if they didn't act like it all the time.
> 
> "Harry, don't be stupid. We can't let you wander about on the train by yourself - " Hermione began but was swiftly cut off by Ron.
> 
> "Yah, Malfoy's probably skulking around, or something worse, I mean ... it always starts on the train ... first year we ran into Malfoy and his goons, second year they bothered us again and I don't need to remind you about the Dementors and your fainting spell third year," Ron chattered on, but Harry was barely listening to him.
> 
> "RON! You're horrible, you don't need to bring up things like that! We're in our seventh year, that's far behind us now," Hermione scolded and flicked a smudge of dust off of her "Head Girl" badge.
> 
> "Oh, not that piece of junk again," Ron muttered, glancing over to Harry, "watch, here she goes into another speech about hard work and perseverance."
> 
> "You'd do well to listen to me, RON," Hermione glanced sharply to him before shrieking as Ron ripped the "Head Girl" badge from her robes and ran off down the corridor with it.
> 
> "YOU BRING THAT BACK RIGHT NOW, RONALD WEASLEY, OR YOU'LL BE SORRY!" Hermione screeched and bolted after him.
> 
> Harry simply sighed and doubled back towards their cabin. This was NOT what he needed right now, with all the stress of their final year at Hogwarts, his friends were being complete idiots, just when he needed them the most.
> 
> "Watch were you're going, you idiot," the low hiss reached Harry's ears and he knew Ron and Hermione had run into someone unpleasant.
> 
> "S-sorry ... who're you?" Ron asked rather rudely as Harry joined them slowly. The scene was a mess, a girl Harry had never seen before - at least in her seventh year - was sitting on the ground, sopping with ice cold pumpkin juice. Ron had pushed himself to his feet a few meters away and Hermione had snatched her badge back and was glaring coldly at Ron.
> 
> "I," the girl began in a silky voice, sounding all too pleased with herself, "am Fausta Darcy. You'd do well to remember that name. I'm top girl from the prestigious Darcy Institute of Magic. That's right, Darcy Institute of Magic, my great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather started the exclusive school for North Americas finest witches and wizards. I'm as pure-blooded as they come. Doubt any of you can say that," she finished with a sneer, looking over the three as she pushed herself to her feet, and Harry decided at that moment that Fausta had to be the only person he had ever met who could look dignified while dripping with pumpkin juice.
> 
> "You talk a lot," Ron said with a sneer, deciding not to comment on the pure-blood remark, as he knew Harry and Hermione would have nothing to say in their defense.
> 
> "And you should not talk as much. You clearly have nothing intelligent to say," Fausta said as a light smirk twisted her lips.
> 
> Hermione, Ron and Harry were all about to burst out at this horrible girl when a peculiar sight distracted them all. Watching the whole scene was another girl none of them had seen before, about the same age, but the most peculiar thing about her … was that she was watching them from her open door … but her head was sticking out upside down from the top of the door.
> 
> "What's all this then?" she asked in a very bad, _very_ over-exaggerated Cockney accent that made Harry cringe a little.
> 
> "You're upside down," Ron pointed out stupidly, obviously this was not a normal sight, even for a wizard. Hermione and Harry elbowed him in the ribs in hopes of getting him to stop making stupid comments.
> 
> "So are you," the upside-down girl giggled a little as she looked to the girl sopping with pumpkin juice, "last minute bath, love? Don't forget behind the ears. Kiss kiss," the girl grinned and disappeared from sight.
> 
> "Is she allowed to be upside down?" Ron asked before anyone else could say anything.
> 
> "Ron ... " Hermione said in mild exasperation, but decided that there wouldn't be much point in continuing.
> 
> "I'll expect you to pay for this robe, you insolent twit," Fausta sputtered, obviously not used to being ignored.
> 
> "Good luck there, soggy," Ron snorted and folded his arms over his chest in annoyance as the upside down girl reappeared behind Hermione, now right-side up and grinning wildly.
> 
> "Oh, she's got a shiny! Look Fausta! A shiny! Corking good fun that is, can Astrid have a look-see? She'll be careful, won't she Fausta? Vouch for your good friend Astrid, eh?" the girl prattled on as she peered over Hermione's shoulder, clawing the air with anxious fingers as she licked her lips and looked towards Hermione's "Head Girl" badge.
> 
> "Astrid ... stop being a moron and get back inside the cabin," Fausta said with exasperation, obviously not in the mood for the girls odd behavior. Hermione simply squeaked with fear and backed up against Harry, watching Astrid with wide eyes. Astrid giggled, obviously pleased with this reaction and hobbled over towards Fausta and tugged at her robes.
> 
> "Astrid's been a good girl today, let her have a run around, eh Fausta? Had her shots, oh yes, won't bite the nice girl with her shiny ... " Astrid giggled, looking to Hermione with wild eyes, obviously enjoying herself.
> 
> "Is she all right?" Harry asked uncertainly, eyeing the odd girl.
> 
> "No one appreciates a good performance! I'll be in my trailer!" Astrid snorted and disappeared into the cabin.
> 
> "She's a bit off," Ron said, still a little shaken by that experience.
> 
> "She just wants attention," Fausta said with narrowed eyes, quite angry the subject had been changed from her, once again, "now then, someone had better apologize for ruining my robes, or I'll have Astrid make things very hard for you," Fausta smirked lightly and motioned back towards the cabin. There was a scream of terror, as if on cue, from inside the cabin, followed by maniacal laughter.
> 
> "ASTRID! BE QUIET!" Fausta screamed and the laughter died off abruptly, she turned back towards Harry, eyeing him carefully, as if considering him.
> 
> "Her? What, are you mad? She couldn't turn a match into a needle on her best day! She's off her rocker!" Ron piped up and laughed at the prospect of the clearly mad girl doing any damage.
> 
> "You of all people should look a little deeper than outward appearances," Fausta began with a smirk as she looked Ron over disapprovingly, "I have been informed that Astrid was to be Head Girl at her prior school."
> 
> "That nut? And who told you that, her?" Ron said between fits of laughter.
> 
> "I'd hold my tongue if I were you. We're here by very special order, Astrid and I," Fausta said, relishing these words, but not bothering to explain anymore, she enjoyed having information these people didn't, she felt it gave her power over them.
> 
> "Special order?" Harry finally piped up, suddenly keenly interested in what Fausta had to say. She was intolerable, but if he had to deal with her for the next year, he at least wanted to know why.
> 
> "Astrid and I were selected as the top students from our respective schools to represent our institutions at Hogwarts this year. The best of the best, Potter," Fausta smirked as she looked to Harry and it became clear to Harry that EVERYONE knew his name, no matter where they were from.
> 
> "She came from a school? More like a mental institution," Ron said, bursting into a fit of laughter again, even as Astrid appeared at the doorway.
> 
> She glanced to Fausta, who nodded curtly, and then returned her gaze to Ron, a small smile spreading across her thin lips. She steepled her fingers, peering at Ron with strangely warm brown eyes that hid behind thick, black rimmed glasses.
> 
> "Ron, was it?" she asked politely, the odd accent barely there anymore.
> 
> "W-what are you gonna do?" Ron asked, suddenly scared by the girl's sudden change in demeanor.
> 
> "Filled with accusations, this one ... you're not paranoid if they're really out to get you, dear Ronny," Astrid said in a sugary tone that made Ron's stomach lurch.
> 
> "Ron, maybe we'd better get back to our cabin," Hermione said uneasily.
> 
> "Afraid of a nut? Why, I couldn't turn a match into a needle on my best day. Nothing to fear from good, old, Astrid, love," Astrid said in the same, smooth tone.
> 
> "Just stop it, all right?" Hermione hissed, taking a step towards Astrid.
> 
> "Boo," Astrid said, a grin creeping slowly onto her lips.
> 
> "It's not funny, just stop it," Hermione repeated, obviously not amused with Astrid's odd behavior.
> 
> "Leave them Astrid. Not worth our time," Fausta sneered and turned towards the cabin herself.
> 
> "But Ron and I are having _fun_. Aren't we Ronny?" Astrid grinned and took a step towards him, crossing her arms over her chest.
> 
> "You're a looney," Ron said with wide eyes as he took a quick step back.
> 
> "Appearances can be deceiving … don't judge a book by it's cover, and all that nonsense, eh Fausta?" Astrid glanced towards Fausta who was now standing at the door of their cabin.
> 
> "No Astrid. You're a lunatic. Now leave them be, you've proved your point." Fausta sighed, sounding quite exhausted by her friend.
> 
> "And I didn't even turn any of them into slugs. That's a first for me," she grinned happily and turned towards her cabin before a silky voice caused her to jump a little.
> 
> "Fausta, met Potter already, have you?" Malfoy's grinning face appeared from a cabin a few doors down from them.
> 
> "HARRY POTTER!? BLIMEY! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME!" Astrid called and turned quickly towards Harry who was trying to inconspicuously move behind Ron.
> 
> "Who's your friend, Fausta?" Malfoy asked, slightly amused by the girl's antics. Astrid had now positioned herself beside Harry and had her arm clamped around him with surprising strength, she was looking up and down the corridor before yelling at the top of her lungs,
> 
> "ANYONE GOT A CAMERA! I'VE GOT HARRY POTTER HERE! LORDY! MUM AND DAD WOULD NEVER BELIEVE! THE GREAT HARRY POTTER, CRIKEY!" Astrid screamed before stopping at Fausta's disapproving glare.
> 
> Harry was beet red by this point and couldn't help but remember Ron's words as he sank back against the wall, feeling he could die of embarrassment at any moment.
> 
> "Not going to introduce us, Fausta? She's charming, really," Malfoy smirked, turning his gaze once again on Astrid, who had released Harry and was moving towards him. She gave a flamboyant bow as she reached him and glanced up at him with a wink.
> 
> "Astrid Abigail Aura Attylehn Aidan Anne Aurora Allyson Abigail - wait, I said that one - Ackerley, pleased to make your acquaintance," she spouted on, then glanced to Fausta, wondering if anyone had noticed she was just making that up as she went along, "Fausta has told me so much about your great family lineage, and your wealth, yes, your great wealth, and your good looks, Fausta, you didn't tell me he was THIS handsome, I mean, you said blindingly gorgeous, but to downplay it so much, I mean honestly -" Astrids mouth kept moving but no sound came out anymore, though she didn't seem to notice.
> 
> "What did you do that for, Fausta? She was just getting to the good part," Malfoy smirked, looking over at a beet red Fausta.
> 
> "Unfortunately, Draco, she's a compulsive liar, so I wouldn't believe a word she says," Fausta said, though she was still a bright shade of scarlet. Astrid continued to speak, as if she couldn't hear anything either as she circled Draco, apparently commenting on his fine attire.
> 
> "You _know_ Malfoy!? I should have guessed," Ron muttered and received another elbow to the stomach from Hermione for being an idiot.
> 
> "Of course she knows Malfoy, only associates with the best, isn't that right Fausta! And what a lovely shade of blue you're wearing, Mr. Malfoy, compliments your eyes in such a loverly manner, why it's simply BREATHTAKIN'!" Astrid began speaking again, and stopped making noise just as quickly.
> 
> "You're becoming quite adept at Silencing Charms," Malfoy couldn't help but allow himself a little grin.
> 
> "Have to with _her_ around," Fausta said with a light frown, motioning towards Astrid.
> 
> "Right good friend you are! Why, I never! Lovely robes there, Malfoy! Fausta, I don't know WHY I put up with you! And that HAIR Malfoy! What do you use? Fausta, I swear, one of these days you'll find yourself a newt! You British boys, so well kept, such fine little gentlemen, well, not ALL of you, I suppose," Astrid began speaking again, and motioned to Ron as she finished, though she was grinning.
> 
> "I'll show YOU - " Ron began, but stopped as Astrid grabbed him by the front of his robes and began dragging him towards her cabin.
> 
> "Come on Ron, let's leave stunning Mr. Malfoy and Fausta to their discussion, we'll have some fun, you and I - " Astrid chirped happily as she dragged him inside the cabin and shut the door quickly. Yells of protest could be heard for several moments before Ron had, apparently, been silenced himself.
> 
> Harry and Hermione exchanged scared glances before edging back towards their own cabin, deciding not to take their chances with Astrid. Who knew what she could be doing to Ron? ... who WANTED to know what she was doing to Ron?
> 
> "You have such charming friends," Malfoy smirked at Fausta, obviously feeling quite superior at that moment.
> 
> "And you as well, 'Crabbe' and 'Goyle' is it, Malfoy? I should think you know better, I choose my friends very carefully," Fausta smirked and turned towards the cabin before reconsidering, not really wanting to know what Astrid had in mind either, though she could hear a faint 'behave Ron! Come on Ronny!' coming from inside that quickly made her decide she'd rather stay and take her chances with Malfoy.
> 
> "So, blindingly gorgeous, Fausta?" Malfoy said as he strolled towards his cabin, trying to suppress a look of disgust, and Fausta decided he could hear Astrid as well. She followed after him thankfully, though still flushed a little, despite her best efforts and shrugged.
> 
> "It can never hurt to have connections, Malfoy, besides you never really can take Astrid seriously," Fausta said curtly and suddenly turned towards her cabin, a look of dread on her face.
> 
> "What is it Fausta? Suddenly gotten a little jealous? Have you got it for little Mr. Weasley too?" Malfoy said with a soft snigger and a light smirk, which instantly disappeared when Fausta fixed a cold glare on him.
> 
> "Mephistopheles is in there with those lunatics," Fausta hissed in one of the only moments of actual concern she had ever displayed.
> 
> "I'm sure he'll be fine. Honestly Fausta," Malfoy frowned deeply and turned towards his own cabin, wondering where Crabbe and Goyle were.
> 
> A high pitched "MRRRRROOOOOOWR!!!!" rang through the air, followed by a boy's voice yelling "GET THE BLOODY THING OUT OF HERE!" and Fausta immediately turned white as a sheet. Seconds later, a lithe black cat was flung out into the hallway and nearly hit the opposite wall.
> 
> "BLOODY MONSTER! WE'RE BUSY!" Astrid roared and slammed the door behind her. Fausta, if it was possible, turned even whiter at the thought of what Astrid and Ron might be doing, and decided not to try and figure out whether her friend was actually doing what she thought she might be, or if she was just trying to draw attention to herself.
> 
> Fausta turned to see Malfoy turning a bright shade of red and looking mildly shocked.
> 
> "Well. That's. Yes," Malfoy said and turned towards his cabin once again as Fausta stooped to pick up her cat, which look rather agitated.
> 
> "Stupid Astrid … I don't even want to know what she's doing," Fausta paused and looked down at the cat for a brief moment, "did you see anything?"
> 
> The cat closed it's eyes quickly, as if saying it were too painful for words and Fausta quickly began stroking her beloved pet, feeling quite bad about the whole affair.
> 
> "Never liked Astrid much anyway, did you Meph?" she cringed a little, wondering what had brought about this odd behavior in Astrid, seeing as she had spent the entire trip - up until they were interrupted by Ron and Hermione - complaining about how the boys at her old school had all been complete morons and how she'd never let herself like any boys at Hogwarts, "stupid git."
> 
> "I wish your friend hadn't called me handsome … in there with Ron … what an insult," Malfoy sneered and leaned up against the door to his cabin.
> 
> "YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE DOING!" Fausta screamed immediately and then composed herself, "and besides, the only reason she said you were attractive is because I said it first." She smirked lightly.
> 
> Crabbe took this incredibly opportune moment to fling the door to the cabin open - Malfoy, who wasn't expecting this, went sprawling to the ground and turned a nice shade of scarlet before leaping to his feet and brushing himself off.
> 
> "CRABBE, YOU ABSOLUTE GIT!! NEVER DO THAT WHEN I'M TRYING -" he dropped off abruptly and looked back towards Fausta, immediately chuckling.
> 
> "Well. I'll see you at Hogwarts, Fausta. I hope to see in you in the Slytherin common room tonight. Leave your cat on the train, please," Malfoy smirked and disappeared quickly into his cabin, where screaming could be heard ceaselessly until they arrived at Hogwarts.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> Harry and Hermione sat gazing at each other worrisomely across the cabin as they waited for some word from Ron. It had been nearly an hour and Ron was still gone.
> 
> "D'you think she's killed him?" Hermione asked timidly, glancing towards the door.
> 
> "Hermione … are you sure you're 17?" Harry asked with a half grin.
> 
> "What's that supposed to mean?" Hermione huffed, eyes glued to the door now.
> 
> "Never mind," Harry smiled pleasantly enough for the moment, before his smile became weighted with worry and he was looking towards the door with much the same expression as Hermione.
> 
> "Just about 10 minutes now!" a voice called from the corridor.
> 
> "D'you think she'll let him out when we get to Hogwarts?" Hermione asked in a very small voice once again.
> 
> "Hermione ... " Harry began again but stopped as the door began sliding open slowly. Harry and Hermione leapt to their feet and flung the door open to see Ron standing there, hair sticking up at odd angles, robe looking quite disheveled and a happy grin plastered on his scarlet face.
> 
> "Ron? Are you all right?" Hermione gasped, yanking Ron back into the cabin.
> 
> "Oh yeah," Ron breathed quietly, staring off in a daze.
> 
> "I don't even want to know," Harry said quietly, looking mildly disturbed as he peaked his head out the door to see a grinning Astrid leading Fausta back into their cabin, with some resistance.
> 
> "I DON'T WANT TO GO INTO THAT FOUL PLACE!" Fausta shrieked as Mephistopheles struggled frantically in her arms, trying to get at Astrid.
> 
> "It's really a very nice cabin ... very nice indeed," Astrid said, sounding oddly dazed as she pulled Fausta in, not seeming to notice as Meph clawed madly at her arm.
> 
> "If you tell me one detail, ONE DETAIL, I will make you suffer till the END OF TIME! DO YOU HEAR ME?" Fausta demanded, still struggling with Astrid.
> 
> "Oh silly Fausta! I just practiced some charms on him, finished with a memory charm and a giddiness charm and sent the little git on his way! Honestly, I didn't think I'd reel _you_ in! Thought you were smarter than that!" Astrid said with a hearty laugh as Fausta eyed her suspiciously and followed her into the cabin.
> 
> "IT'S A BLOODY MESS! WHAT KIND OF CHARMS DID YOU PRACTICE ON THAT BOY - wait, don't tell me, I don't want to know," came the disgusted scream from the cabin, which was followed by embarrassed laughter.
> 
> "Forgot to clean up after that transfiguration backfired …" Astrid said, still laughing a bit as she pulled out her wand.
> 
> "How stupid do you think I am?"
> 
> "You really don't want me to answer that,"
> 
> And then the door was closed, and they heard no more from the two girls.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> They piled into their carriages to get to Hogwarts and though Ron thrashed madly to get to Astrid's carriage, Harry and Hermione held him back and forced him into their carriage.
> 
> "Do you figure she's worked some sort of mind control on him?" Hermione asked worrisomely, watching Ron as he sat sullenly in his seat before moving quickly towards the window, hoping to catch a glance of the other carriages.
> 
> "I hope so," Harry said blandly, watching Ron and shaking his head.
> 
> "I'm gonna get her ... no one gets away with that ... " Ron snarled and flung himself back into his seat, a sour frown on his face.
> 
> "What?" Harry asked quizzically, that was the last thing he had expected to hear from Ron.
> 
> "BLOODY WITCH CAST A SPELL ON ME!" Ron screamed and lunged as if he were going to rip the door off the carriage and run out after Astrid.
> 
> "What?" Harry repeated, eyeing Ron carefully, not sure whether he believed him or not.
> 
> "Couldn't say it before. She's nuts, she's bloody powerful, put some kind of nasty spell on me, sat there happily while I boiled inside! You should have heard the things she said Harry! Awful things!" Ron snarled, sounding almost convincing.
> 
> "Ron, watch your language," Hermione said finally, glancing at him irritably, "what kind of spell, Ron?"
> 
> "I dunno ... muttered it while I was trying to get away. Couldn't move, couldn't say a thing, just had to sit there happily. Should have seen her laughing," Ron glared bitterly at the memory.
> 
> "I've heard about that!" Hermione said instantly, "it's a sort of devotion spell! Oh Ron, that's simply awful! We'll have to keep you away from that dreadful girl!"
> 
> Ron opened his mouth as if to speak and instantly silenced himself, looking quickly towards the window. Hermione was looking at Ron with utter pity, but Harry wasn't so sure ...
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> "Ron Weasley, what a horrible name," Fausta said quickly, glancing to Astrid, hoping to catch her in some kind of lie.
> 
> "Ruddy little thing, ain't he? Wish you'd been there to see it, stupid little git couldn't say a word!" Astrid giggled evilly, glancing out the window for a long moment.
> 
> "Excepting, of course, when he demanded that my poor cat be flung out of the room," Fausta said smoothly, smirking at Astrid, sure she had caught her. Astrid looked immediately sour and glared at Fausta.
> 
> "Bloody monster, blocked my eye contact and started scratching at the twit. Had to throw him out or I wouldn't be able to get the information," Astrid smirked, deciding to leave it there, glancing towards the window AGAIN.
> 
> "Information?" Fausta asked, bored, obviously only asking because there was nothing else to talk about.
> 
> "I just set up a little charm in case we need anything from little Ronald Weasley ... like ... for instance ... the password to the Gryffindor Tower," Astrid smirked triumphantly.
> 
> "Enlighten me, Astrid. Why would we want to go to the Gryffindor common room?" Fausta said, quite frustrated with Astrid's vagueness.
> 
> "Oh, the possibilities are ENDLESS, dear Fausta! So many things can be done in Gryffindor Tower to prevent those twits from winning the House Cup this year. We both know we'll be Slytherins. Let's take back the glory, Fausta! Be house heroes!" Astrid said, eyes sparkling with an odd, insane anticipation.
> 
> "I'm sure that Slytherin can manage to win the house cup, DEAR ASTRID, without resorting to cowardly ways," Fausta said shortly, setting her cold, gray gaze on Astrid for a long moment, watching her flounder.
> 
> "You seem to be mistaking cowardice with stealth and cunning, Fausta ... besides, I'm sure there's something that would interest you in Gryffindor Tower ... the young Potter, perhaps?" Astrid gave Fausta a side-long glance, a slow smirk curling the corners of her lips, sure she had Fausta where she wanted her.
> 
> "I'm sure I'll be able to find someone quite suitable in house Slytherin," Fausta said shortly, scratching Meph behind the ears, concentrating on his soft purring, trying to ignore Astrid.
> 
> "Find someone for what purpose, my dear friend Fausta?" Astrid smirked, lacing her fingers together on her lap, feeling quite superior at that moment.
> 
> "I'm sure I needn't explain it to someone of _your_ experience," Fausta replied coolly and the two spent the rest of their trip in silence.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> "So, we'll then launch the cat over the wall, and be done with it," Malfoy said, rubbing his hands together eagerly as Crabbe and Goyle looked on in confusion.
> 
> "Why?" Crabbe said simply after a long moment.
> 
> "YOU INCREDIBLE DOLT! That cat is ... a monstrosity!" Malfoy said simply, falling back against the seat of the carriage as they hit a large bump. He let out a soft "oof", frowning sourly at Crabbe and Goyle who had made no attempt to help him.
> 
> "What's so bad about the cat?" Goyle asked, looking more confused than usual.
> 
> "I don't know why I bother," Malfoy muttered as he placed his hands over his face and closed his eyes, wishing for nothing more than the solitude of the Slytherin common room.
> 
> "You like Fausta?" Crabbe asked after a very long silence.
> 
> "What?" Malfoy squeaked, removing his hands from his face for a moment to look at Crabbe with utter disgust, "DRACO MALFOY LIKES NO ONE!"
> 
> Crabbe and Goyle exchanged quick glances and grins before nodding quickly to Malfoy.
> 
> "No one. Gotcha," they both said and they too, continued on in silence.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> The first years stood in a line in front of the Hogwarts staff and students, looking horribly uncomfortable. The Sorting was always a stressful time, as no one ever knew what to expect the first time they came to Hogwarts. Harry Potter remembered thinking they might have to pull a rabbit out of the sorting hat, and Ron Weasley remembered thinking that they'd have to wrestle a troll - of course, that was just was his older brothers, Fred and George had told him.
> 
> Fausta stood against the door to the main hall and Astrid sat on the floor, staring up at her with a wide grin. Fausta had firmly refused to stand with the first years to be sorted, and so Astrid had immediately taken a stand as well, and both were now waiting to be called in.
> 
> "We have some very special circumstances tonight. Two new students will be joining us, all the way from Canada -"
> 
> "Canada? What's with the Cockney accent?" Hermione muttered across to Ron, who just shot her a dirty look and tried to listen closer to Dumbledore as he continued.
> 
> "They have been chosen to represent their schools at Hogwarts, which, as you all know, has garnered a reputation for being the foremost in wizard education," Dumbledore paused to look at a piece of parchment in front of him.
> 
> "So, first we will welcome Astrid Ackerley to be sorted. She joins us from the Potter Academy for the Wizarding Arts," Dumbledore said and motioned towards the door for Astrid to come in, but all eyes were on Harry, who was beet red.
> 
> "Didn't know you ran a school, Potter," Malfoy's voice could be heard from the Slytherin table and sniggers followed as Astrid crept slowly into the hall, glancing around in paranoia. She stopped dead in her tracks when she spotted Malfoy, and a grin instantly blossomed on her lips.
> 
> "DRACO! LOVELY TO SEE YOU AGAIN, LOVE! THE LIGHTS SHIMMER IN YOUR GORGEOUS GREEN EYES AND REFLECT BACK LIKE MUGGLE TRAFFIC LIGHTS!" Astrid yelled and then looked back out of the main hall, "WAS THAT WHAT YOU WANTED ME TO SAY, FAUST - " again Astrid's lips kept moving but no sound came out as laughter roared through the hall and Malfoy turned beet red.
> 
> "HIS EYES ARE BLUE!" Pansy Parkinson called out, barely audible over the laughter, which caused the sound to double as Astrid moved towards the Sorting Hat.
> 
> "That's quite enough," Dumbledore said firmly, casting a warning glance in Astrid's direction, causing her to smile angelically and give a deep bow.
> 
> She then moved towards the Sorting Hat and picked it off the stool, seating herself graciously and setting the hat atop her head, which instantly feel over her eyes, nearly knocking her glasses off.
> 
> "Gryffindor? You? You've got to be kidding me!" a small voice peeped in her ear. Astrid looked quite sour as she gave the hat a poke, thinking 'I'd make excellent Gryffindor material!'
> 
> "Best laugh I've had in ages!" the voice replied and people started whispering as they saw the hat shaking on Astrid's head.
> 
> 'Oh, stop that, all right. It was a silly notion anyway,' Astrid thought with a soft sigh as the hat continued to laugh in her ear.
> 
> "IT WASN'T THAT FUNNY, YOU STUPID HAT!" Astrid found herself yelling, and people began whispering again, wondering what could be going on.
> 
> "Rudest hat I've ever met," Astrid said quickly and pulled the hat down a little lower, frowning sourly.
> 
> "You've got the brains to get into Ravenclaw, what do you think of that?" the voice whispered, surprisingly Astrid with it's sudden politeness.
> 
> 'To be perfectly honest, I was thinking something along the lines of Slytherin,' Astrid thought, trying to sound glib in her mind.
> 
> "Slytherin, eh? Nasty lot, them," the hat said with mild amusement and then added, "you should fit in nicely. SLYTHERIN!" the hat called out and for a moment, everyone looked around unsure, before the Slytherin table started applauding madly, deciding it might be nice to have the likes of Astrid in their house.
> 
> Astrid leapt up, slammed the hat back on the stool and sprinted towards the Slytherin table, waving her hands in the air as if she had just won a marathon. She forcefully pushed Goyle aside and slammed herself down next to Malfoy, giving him an infuriating grin.
> 
> "You and me, Malfoy! You and me! Have I commented on your lovely robes, by the way?" Astrid began before Dumbledore motioned for silence once again.
> 
> "And from the Darcy Institute of Magic, Miss Fausta Darcy," Dumbledore said and most of the room went quiet to get a look at the girl who had apparently said those things about Malfoy.
> 
> Fausta glided gracefully into the room, glaring at anyone who would look at her, trying to retain some of her dignity, but, it was at that horrible moment that she realized she still had pumpkin juice stains all over her robes and her hair was a complete mess.
> 
> "They've sent us a sea-hag!" Pansy piped up, but was, a moment later, sneezing up spiders. She screamed at the top of her lungs and ran from the room as spiders poured from her nostrils, and even Fausta looked surprised. Only Astrid looked guiltily pleased with herself, as she clapped a hand on Malfoy's back.
> 
> "Nostramus arachnidae, was it Draco? I'll have to remember that one!" Astrid said in a hushed voice that wasn't hushed at all before Professor McGonagall was at the table, picking Malfoy up.
> 
> "That was NOT funny, Mr. Malfoy," she said curtly as she began dragging him out of the hall, Professor Snape following at her heels, looking horribly outraged, and like he was ready to kill Fausta, whom he was sure had charmed Pansy.
> 
> "Please, settle down, we still have more sorting," Dumbledore said with a deep frown, his eyes fixed on Astrid, though he didn't get his usual reaction, she simply grinned back at him before turning her eyes on Fausta to give her the thumbs up.
> 
> Fausta graciously took her seat and had barely placed the hat on her head when it screamed as loudly as anyone had ever heard "SLYTHERIN!!" Fausta smirked and placed the hat back on the stool, moving to sit next to Astrid so the feast could begin ...
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> The Sorting of the first years had gone much more smoothly than Astrid and Fausta's sorting, and the houses now sat eating and talking with their new students.
> 
> "What's your mother's name?" Astrid asked, grinning maniacally at a trembling little first year.
> 
> "W-why?" he asked quickly, looking around the table, but all eyes were on Astrid, wondering what she was going to say.
> 
> "I want to know who to mail the remains to," Astrid said, ever grinning as the little first year screamed at the top of his lungs and tore out of the hall. The entire table burst into laughter ... except for Fausta and Professor Snape.
> 
> "Honestly, Astrid, I'm quite ashamed. No challenge there what-so-ever," Fausta smirked and poked at her mashed potatoes disdainfully.
> 
> "Gotta get warmed up, don't I, love?" Astrid grinned and crammed a wad of Fausta's mashed potatoes into her mouth. Fausta gave her a disgusted look and pushed her plate away.
> 
> "What? You didn't look too keen on them - " Astrid began, but was cut off by Professor Snape.
> 
> "In the future, perhaps you'd like to 'warm up' on members of other houses," Snape said, his black eyes boring into her.
> 
> "Oh, but I've already warmed up on them!" Astrid said cheerfully, then stopped, mid-chew, mouth still full of mashed potatoes, "say ... you aren't ... _the_ Professor Severus Snape, are you?"
> 
> "Don't try to butter me up, girl," Snape growled and looked back to his meal, looking infinitely annoyed that Astrid had been placed into his house.
> 
> "Oh, no, sir, wouldn't dream of it, I just have someone who's right keen to meet you, sir," Astrid grinned, hoping she would catch Snape's interest. But he seemed to be ignoring her, so she dug around in her pocket, and when Snape turned back from talking to another Slytherin girl, he found a rather large, black rat sitting on his plate, helping itself to a bit of his cheese.
> 
> "Astrid, get this vermin off my plate," Snape snarled, he didn't look nearly as surprised or disgusted as Astrid had hoped he would, and she looked at him with a hurt expression on her face.
> 
> "You shouldn't speak like that about your namesake," Astrid said softly, holding a hand out towards the rat, which happily ran to it and sat in it, taking the rest of Snape's cheese with it.
> 
> "My WHAT?" Snape demanded, clearly not amused.
> 
> "I present to you, Professor Severus Snape, his high ratiness, LORD SEVERUS ACKERLEY! Lord of the Fleas," she giggled ever so slightly and held up the rat to Snape who looked almost horrified.
> 
> "I am not amused, Miss Ackerley, I suggest you change it's name this instant," Snape snarled, finger quivering as he pointed it at her.
> 
> "Right sorry, he's taken to the name, and look, he's got your eyes!" Astrid squealed and hugged the little rat to her chest.
> 
> "THAT'S IT! DETENTION! OUT OF THE HALL, NOW! YOU'LL BE CLEANING THE TROPHIES TILL YOU'VE RUBBED THE FIRST LAYER OF METAL OFF!" Snape screamed and everyone stopped eating to turn and watch what was going on.
> 
> "Magic or no magic?" Astrid grinned, seeming unphased by this.
> 
> "NO MAGIC!" Snape screamed even more loudly this time, obviously as disappointed with her reaction as Astrid had been when he hadn't been disgusted by little Severus.
> 
> "Can I take an assistant?" Astrid continued to grin, and everyone began whispering at this, wondering if Astrid was nuts to be talking to Snape like this.
> 
> "An _assistant_!?" Snape hissed, "please tell me I heard you wrong, Ackerley,"
> 
> "Well, Ron Weasley has been shooting you glares all night sir, I just thought perhaps he deserved a bit 'o punishment 'imself," Astrid grinned evilly, casting her glance at Ron, who instantly let out a startled squeak and made like he was going to hide under the table, but Harry and Hermione held him up.
> 
> Snape looked to Astrid, suddenly looking much less angry, looking almost pleased, in fact as he shifted his gaze to Ron, trying to suppress an evil smile.
> 
> "Good work, Miss Ackerley. Very well, you shall supervise Mr. Weasley as he cleans the trophies," Snape said with a brief nod in Astrid's direction, as if he didn't know what to make of her.
> 
> "Right then! LET'S GO YOU FRECKLED GIT!" Astrid yelled and marched across the hall, making as much noise as she could, trying to grab everyone's attention.
> 
> "But - but - but!" was all Ron could manage as Astrid walked up to the table, grabbed the back of his robes and began dragging him out of the hall, and Harry couldn't help but get the faint impression he saw a wide grin forming on Ron's lips as they disappeared from view.


	3. Truth Hurts

> _Chapter Two_   
_Truth Hurts_
> 
> Fausta remained at the Slytherin table as Astrid dragged Ron off, and she decided that that had synched it. Now the foremost problem on her mind was deciding whether she really wanted to force Astrid to admit what she'd been up to. It could be a scarring experience.
> 
> "WHEN THAT GIRL GETS BACK TO THE COMMON ROOM TONIGHT!" Malfoy raged as he reappeared in the main hall. Everyone seemed to be ignoring him though, as rumors were now flying about Ron and Astrid, and people found that more interesting.
> 
> "Did you hear them on the train?" one Hufflepuff girl asked, making a disgusted face, "they could have at least TRIED to keep it down!"
> 
> "Oh Lord, who DIDN'T hear them?" a Ravenclaw shouted over to the Hufflepuff table, looking mildly disturbed himself.
> 
> Fausta bowed her head, about ready to bury her face in her mashed potatoes, deeply ashamed to be involved in any way in such events. She looked suddenly to Malfoy as he slid into a seat next to her, still seething.
> 
> "Your _friend_ is - " Malfoy began, but Fausta immediately cut him off.
> 
> "I think there's been enough talk of Astrid to last a lifetime, Malfoy," she said wearily, glancing up and down the Slytherin table, which was flying with even odder rumors.
> 
> "I bet she's tryin' ta knock him off! The girl wouldn't be caught dead with a GRYFFINDOR! She's a Slytherin now!" one boy tried to argue, and received brief, murmured agreement.
> 
> "Honestly Fausta ... what's wrong with her?" Malfoy spat as he looked towards the feast, which sat as large as ever on the tables.
> 
> "Didn't like hearing about your lovely green eyes, Draco?" Fausta smirked, crossing her arms over her chest as she watched Malfoy pick at a few of the dishes, while Snape watched on suspiciously.
> 
> "I don't think I'll dignify that with a response," Malfoy muttered, glancing to Snape, who smiled briefly at the boy before finding himself in conversation with a first year Slytherin about whether bringing rats to the table was common practice at Hogwarts or not.
> 
> "You must be more careful around Astrid, Draco," Fausta said with the faint trace of a smile, "I won't be here to rescue you all the time."
> 
> "RESCUE ME!? IT'S YOUR FAULT!" Malfoy roared, and glared at everyone as they stopped in their discussion to watch Malfoy's outburst.
> 
> "Touché," Fausta said with a small smirk as she looked down at her food once again.
> 
> "You're impossible," Malfoy muttered and slid back into his seat again, muttering something inaudible under his breath.
> 
> "It's rude to mutter, Draco," Fausta smirked, glancing towards Snape who was, for one reason or another, beet red, looking as if he were about to pop.
> 
> "NO! I DO NOT CARE WHAT THAT GIRL IS DOING TO WEASLEY! THESE RUMORS WILL STOP THIS INSTANT! IF I HEAR ANYMORE, THE GOSSIP-MONGER WILL BE EXPELLED!" Snape raged, this was not his night. Dumbledore cast him a warning glance and Snape stormed from the hall, muttering something about finding out for himself.
> 
> "Oh my. Do you think someone should warn dear Astrid?" Fausta mused, smiling ever so slightly.
> 
> "I hope he catches them," Malfoy stated flatly and pushed himself up from the table, starting after Snape, wanting to get in on this as well.
> 
> "Oh Malfoy," Fausta said, even more amused now as she stood up from the table as well and began jogging after them.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> "Where d'ya think they're going?" Hermione asked Harry as she watched a very angry looking Snape bustle past the table, followed by Malfoy and Fausta.
> 
> "Ron's done it again," Harry sighed and pushed himself up from the table as well, jogging after Snape's entourage.
> 
> "Ron's done what? Harry! Stop being so cryptic!" Hermione said in a whiny tone of voice as she stood from the table and followed as well ...
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> "What was that?" Ron asked, looking towards the door with wide eyes.
> 
> "You are a twit, aren't you?" Astrid grinned at him, but it slowly faded as she heard the noise too ... several pairs of rather loud footsteps were coming their way.
> 
> "Someone's coming!" Ron hissed, looking around the trophy room at the spotless trophies.
> 
> "WELL TARNISH THEM UP AGAIN!" Astrid snapped and muttered something under her breath, the trophies looked an absolute mess now.
> 
> "ASTRID! Someone's going to notice that!" Ron squeaked, looking frantically towards the door, the footsteps were almost there now.
> 
> "Thanks for taking the rap, love," Astrid grinned evilly and immediately hollered at the top of her lungs, "YOU HORRIBLE TWIT! I SAID NO MAGIC!"
> 
> "Astrid … oh no, don't do this! ASTRID!" Ron begged, suddenly realizing what Astrid had in mind.
> 
> "Ha ha, begging won't change anything, love! Save that for later," she said and winked quickly, "DEAR PROFESSOR SNAPE CHARGED ME WITH THIS MOST IMPORTANT TASK AND YOU'VE FOULED IT HORRIBLY, YOU AWFUL WEASLEY! WHAT SHALL MY DEAR SEVERUS SAY!?"
> 
> "_Dear Severus_, Miss Ackerley?" Snape said, appearing in the doorway, looking around the trophy room with mounting horror.
> 
> "Oh! Professor Snape! How lovely of you to drop by! Ron was just saying what an immense idiot you are, weren't you, Ron?" Astrid asked, grinning at Ron.
> 
> "ASTRID!" Ron bellowed, but immediately stopped as Snape began storming towards him, his hand twitching, as if dying to reach for his wand.
> 
> "Not a problem, Professor Snape! Give me a moment alone with the boy, I'll show him what's what," Astrid said with a nod as she pulled out her own wand and began muttering under her breath.
> 
> "You've done quite enough, Miss Ackerley," Snape replied shortly, turning his malicious gaze on Ron.
> 
> "Mr. Weasley, you never cease to amaze me. Only your first day and you've already lost 20 points from Gryffindor - "Snape began, but Astrid cut in immediately, suddenly looking quite ill.
> 
> "But Professor Snape ... it's just the beginning of the term, there ARE no points to take from Gryffindor yet," she said quietly and everyone turned to give her odd looks.
> 
> "Miss Ackerley, what are you doing?" Snape hissed, quite wondering about the girl's sanity by this point.
> 
> "I'm just as disappointed as you are, dear Professor, but perhaps we could arrange some other form of punishment. I have something in mind, conveniently enough," Astrid grinned and steepled her fingers, turning her gaze on Ron who looked quite bewildered.
> 
> "Convenient, yes, Miss Ackerley," Snape said, sounding almost amused as Fausta and Malfoy appeared on the scene.
> 
> "I think you've done enough 'punishing' for one day, Astrid," Fausta said with a light smirk as Malfoy looked on in disgust.
> 
> "I suppose we COULD just let him get off, scott-free ... " Astrid shrugged and sighed heavily, moving towards the door.
> 
> "What have you got in mind, Ackerley?" Snape said, careful to keep any interest out of his voice.
> 
> "It would be nice to have someone clean up the Slytherin common room for us, wouldn't it, Professor Snape?" she grinned somewhat sadistically.
> 
> "An interesting prospect, but this would include allowing a Gryffindor into the Slytherin common room, which I cannot condone," Snape said firmly, almost sounding disappointed.
> 
> "Perhaps if he had supervision?" Astrid asked sweetly and it became all too obvious she had been planning this for quite some time.
> 
> "And I suppose you think _you_ would be adequate supervision, Miss Ackerley?" Snape snorted and shook his head, "with all the rumors flying around, I couldn't encourage such an idea."
> 
> "I'll do it," Fausta spoke up from the doorway, trying to look innocent enough. Malfoy looked at her with utter dread while Astrid narrowed her eyes, though whether it was in surprise or anger, it was hard to tell.
> 
> "You, Miss Darcy?" Snape asked slowly.
> 
> "_I_ know how to treat Gryffindors, Professor Snape," Fausta smirked lightly, completely ignoring Astrid's glares.
> 
> "Hmm, a very interesting idea indeed. I shall consider it. You'll have your answer tomorrow," Snape said and moved quickly towards the door of the trophy room, but he stopped as he reached the threshold and glanced back over his shoulder at Ron, sneering slightly,   
"And your robes are on backwards, Weasley."
> 
> Ron turned beet red and shuffled quickly after Snape, deciding that changing his robe there would only make matters worse. He met up Harry and Hermione in the hall, who immediately began asking him for details, but Ron was too busy looking back into the trophy room, trying to catch Astrid's eye before he left.
> 
> "All right, what do you want?" Astrid growled at Fausta, moving quickly towards her as she absently waved her wand around, completely ignoring Malfoy.
> 
> "What ever do you mean, dear Astrid?" Fausta asked silkily, "can't a girl do a service for her house without getting the third degree?"
> 
> "This isn't funny Fausta," Astrid said, looking for the first time anyone could remember, to be actually angry.
> 
> "My, my Astrid, this doesn't suit you, it really doesn't," she smirked coldly and looked towards Malfoy, suddenly frowning, "leave us."
> 
> " '_Leave us_' are you SERIOUS? You don't talk to Draco Malfoy like that!" Malfoy sputtered, unable to believe his ears.
> 
> "SHE JUST DID! NOW LEAVE!" Astrid roared, eyes burning, and that was all Malfoy had needed, he disappeared quickly from the hall with his tail between his legs.
> 
> "Astrid, you have no faith in me what-so-ever, do you?" Fausta smirked and moved towards the door, moving to close it before her eyes found Ron Weasley standing outside the door, still trying to get Astrid's attention, still with his robe on backwards. She hissed at him and slammed the door, turning back towards Astrid, looking deeply disappointed.
> 
> "A true friend wouldn't let you associate with his sort," Fausta smirked, leaning back up against the door.
> 
> "His _sort_!? And what sort would that be, Fausta?" Astrid spat, not believing her friend's words.
> 
> "Astrid, it's not for your tender ears," she smirked and glanced over her shoulder at the door, "however ... I'm sure I could be persuaded to make certain ... exceptions. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours," Fausta said as innocently as she could muster.
> 
> "A true Slytherin if I ever met one," Astrid said with an odd sort of grin, and Fausta's eyes widened for a moment, she had been sure Astrid would go on a rampage at this statement, and yet there she stood, grinning as if she had just been told the greatest joke in the world.
> 
> "Astrid ... " Fausta began, a little shaken, but didn't continue, Astrid was moving towards her, and she was sure Astrid was going to strike now, "Astrid, don't do anything you'll regret!" he voice was slightly shrill now as Astrid continued to approach.
> 
> "A true Slytherin if I ever met one," Astrid repeated, this time a little sadly as she motioned Fausta away from the door and pulled it open slowly. Fausta, however grabbed a hold of her arm.
> 
> "Astrid ... what on Earth are you talking about?" Fausta hissed, none too impressed.
> 
> " ... I dunno. I was just trying to sound intelligent. Oh well, live and learn, COME HERE RON!" Astrid chimed and flung the door open, causing both Malfoy and Ron to come sprawling into the room, landing in a heap.
> 
> "I WASN'T LISTENING!" Ron yelled immediately, flinging Malfoy off of him and into the wall.
> 
> "OH! That's so sweet! You really care, don't you Ron!" Astrid giggled and dragged him off to who knows where.
> 
> "I suppose you weren't listening either," Fausta said curtly as she swept quickly past Malfoy who was still sprawled on the floor.
> 
> "Fausta! F-fausta! Wait! FAUSTA!" Malfoy yelled as he scrambled to his feet and dashed off down the hallway after her.
> 
> "Really Draco, that's no way for a Slytherin to act," Fausta said, giving him a sour sideling glance.
> 
> "Only been a Slytherin for a few hours now and already you're giving me orders," Malfoy smirked lightly, casting a glance at Fausta as well, and as their eyes met, they both turned a nice shade of scarlet and sped up down the hallway.
> 
> "Why are you following me?" Fausta hissed, glaring angrily over at Malfoy.
> 
> "We're going to the same place, you twit!" Malfoy growled, glaring back just as angrily.
> 
> " ... well. That doesn't mean we have to walk together. You. Wait here ten minutes, and then you may continue to the Slytherin common room," Fausta commanded and quickened her pace a little.
> 
> "You can't be serious!" Malfoy protested, but the look he got from Fausta froze him in his tracks immediately. He plopped to the ground and sat up against the wall, looking incredibly sour. All Fausta could do was smirk.
> 
> "What are you doing sitting there, Malfoy? Get to your common room!" Professor McGonagall chided as she came down the hall towards him.
> 
> "But ... b-but Fausta!" Malfoy said, getting his fiftieth icy glare of the night.
> 
> Malfoy pushed himself to his feet, muttering something that couldn't have been too nice because Fausta heard McGonagall gasp and drag Malfoy off as she rounded a corner towards the Slytherin common room.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> Fausta sat at the Slytherin table for breakfast, poking disdainfully at her scrambled eggs. She looked around at the empty seats around her - apparently her reputation preceded her, but that was the way she liked it.
> 
> "Where's Malfoy?" one first year Slytherin ventured, seeing that Fausta was all alone and might be lonely.
> 
> "I'm sorry, I don't keep tabs on him. Perhaps I can have him tagged for you the next time I see him. You might check the hallway on the second floor, however," Fausta hissed icily and smirked as she watched the scared little first year cower away.
> 
> "Where's Astrid?" another Slytherin asked ... Fausta decided not to dignify this with an answer and merely took to examining her knife closely, giving the boy sidelong glances.
> 
> "YOU ARE INSUFFERABLE! YOU NEARLY LOST US 50 POINTS LAST NIGHT!" Malfoy screeched as he stormed into the hallway, he seemed to be making a habit of big entrances.
> 
> "You must be confused, dear Draco. I was in the common room, like a good little witch," Fausta said, looking much more pleasant now as she took a small bite of her scrambled eggs, not looking up at Malfoy.
> 
> "I cannot BELIEVE you!" Malfoy yelled as he practically threw himself down at the table, grabbing viciously at an English muffin.
> 
> "How quaint," Fausta replied, seemingly fascinated with her eggs now.
> 
> Draco was about to reply, when the hall suddenly burst with noise. Everyone looked around, sure someone has received a Howler.
> 
> "NEVER IN ALL MY YEARS AT HOGWARTS! YOU TWO ... I NEVER! THERE AREN'T WORDS FOR WHAT YOU TWO … I CAN'T EVEN BRING MYSELF TO SAY IT!" the screaming voice of Professor McGonagall filled the dining hall and continued on like this for several minutes until she actually appeared in the hallway, dragging Ron Weasley and Astrid Ackerley behind her, both of whom were looking quite pleased with themselves.
> 
> "You didn't receive much love as a child, did you Pr-" Astrid began, but was immediately cut off by McGonagall.
> 
> "IF YOU EVER SPEAK IN MY PRESENCE AGAIN I WILL HAVE YOU THROWN OUT OF HOGWARTS! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?" McGonagall raged, everyone cowered, they had NEVER seen McGonagall this mad.
> 
> "How I supposed to answer if I'm not to speak?" Astrid asked, causing McGonagall to stop dead in her tracks.
> 
> "FIFTY POINTS FROM SLYTHERIN!" McGonagall screamed, dragging them through the hall again, seemingly towards Dumbledore at the teacher's table.
> 
> "ASTRID! YOU IDIOT!" all the Slytherin's called out in unison, as they began throwing English muffins and bagels in her direction, though most of them, suspiciously, seemed to be hitting Professor McGonagall.
> 
> "Don't worry lads! I'll get them back! Spit spo-" Astrid chirped cheerfully before she was cut off by McGonagall again.
> 
> "ANOTHER 20 POINTS!"
> 
> "That's -"
> 
> "ANOTHER!"
> 
> "not -"
> 
> "ANOTHER!"
> 
> "fair!"
> 
> "50 MORE!!!"
> 
> "AAAAASTRIIIIIID!"
> 
> "160 points on my second morning, that's got to be a school record!" Astrid chirped, seemingly oblivious to anything going on around her.
> 
> "LET'S MAKE IT AN EVEN 200!" McGonagall yelled and began dragging them out of the hall, Dumbledore now following them, looking quite amused.
> 
> It was only now that everyone noticed the Gryffindor table had been completely empty until McGonagall had shown up, and only now where students coming in. Half of them looked as if they were about to burst at the seams, they were laughing so hard. The other half looked as if they had recently been horribly emotionally scarred. Among this second group was Harry Potter.
> 
> "What happened?" the whispers began flying across the hall, and no one seemed to notice as Fausta slid out of her seat, looking quite mortified, and made a break for the hall door. But Malfoy beat her there and stood in her path, half torn between smirking triumphantly and screaming at her.
> 
> "Two-HUNDRED POINTS! NOT EVEN POTTER HAS EVER LOST THAT MUCH!" Malfoy screamed at Fausta finally.
> 
> "Remove yourself from my path, _boy_," Fausta spat, brushing past Malfoy, nearly knocking him off his feet.
> 
> "THEY FOUND HER WHERE!?" a yell rang out through the hall and Malfoy shuddered before running past an exhausted looking Neville Longbottom, after Fausta.
> 
> "I didn't get a wink of sleep last night," Neville began as a crowd of Hufflepuffs surrounded him and began asking him about Ron and Astrid ...
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> Fausta sat staring at the blackboard in her first Transfiguration class at Hogwarts. Malfoy sat several seats away, shooting daggers at her. It had been nearly 15 minutes since the first bell had rung, and neither Astrid, nor Professor McGonagall has shown up. Just when everyone was getting up to leave, McGongall came storming in, still dragging Astrid behind her, though Astrid seemed oblivious to it.
> 
> "If it were ME, I would have taken the two hundred points!" McGonagall spat, shoving Astrid towards a seat.
> 
> "Yes, I know, you tried to!" Astrid reminded her and took a seat next to Fausta, ignoring the English muffins people had saved from breakfast to throw at her, watching as Faustra promptly found herself a new seat.
> 
> "DON'T YOU EVER SHUT UP!?" Malfoy stood up and screamed. Normally Professor McGonagall would have silenced such an outburst, but no one had ever seen McGonagall so mad, "YOU HAVE BROUGHT _SHAME_ AND _DISGRACE_ TO THE HOUSE OF SLYTHERIN!" Malfoy continued, watching with disbelief as Astrid ignored him completely and skipped towards a desk near Fausta, obviously not getting the point.
> 
> "YOU WILL LISTEN TO ME WHEN I AM SPEAKING TO YOU!" Malfoy continued to yell, and finally Astrid turned her large brown eyes on him, smiling all too pleasantly.
> 
> "Fausta was right, you're adorable when you're angry," Astrid said sweetly, watching as Malfoy turned beet red and a loud thud was heard as Malfoy fell back into his seat and Fausta let her head fall to her desk at almost the exact same moment.
> 
> "Now then, if we can all tear our attention away from Miss Ackerley for a moment, we have some very important work to get to. This year you will be learning how to transfigure yourselves, now, this is very dangerous, so we have to take this slowly," McGonagall began casting a glare at Astrid, as if she secretly wished Astrid would disobey her and end up a goat …
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> "How's your head?" Astrid asked with a grin as she jogged to keep up with Fausta on their way to Herbology.
> 
> "For the first time in my life, I can think of absolutely nothing to say to you," Fausta said, her tone indiscernible.
> 
> "How about Malfoy?" Astrid grinned and waved at several Gryffindors who were giving her thumbs up signs as she walked down the hallway. Fausta immediately hid her face and quickened her pace.
> 
> "Oh, no need to be jealous of my popularity, Fausta! I can introduce you around!" Astrid grinned, narrowly dodging an English muffin one of the Slytherins still seemed to have saved.
> 
> "'EY! THEY'RE GETTING STALE! These things should be classified as deadly weapons! Rock hard, they are, eh Fausta?" Astrid said as she pulled one out of her pocket and beaned Fausta in the head with it.
> 
> "You. Will. Not. Speak. To. Me." Fausta said, her voice low as she tried to control herself. And for a moment, Fausta thought Astrid had actually taken the hint … that's when she noticed Astrid was no long following her and was several feet back in the hallway, talking to Ron.
> 
> "ASTRID! GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW!" Fausta screamed, watching Astrid scurry back.
> 
> "I thought I wasn't to talk to you," she said politely.
> 
> "There are worse things, Astrid, than having to talk to you. It's for the good for the house," Fausta finished and the two walked on to Herbology.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> Herbology went off fairly smoothly. The students were potting Mandrakes, something they hadn't had to do for five years, and they would have liked to keep that record going. Especially Astrid, who was extremely distraught that no one could hear her with the earmuffs on. Next they had History of Magic, which Fausta spent subduing Astrid, because she had never seen a ghost before and was adamant that she had to stick her hand through Professor Binns. When they finally got to lunch, Fausta forced Astrid to sit at the other end of the table, because she was worried about the Slytherins collecting more ammunition.
> 
> "We're going to lose the House Cup this year because of that twit," Malfoy said sourly, seating himself next to Fausta as Crabbe and Goyle sat across from the two.
> 
> "No, Slytherin loses the House Cup every year because of Potter," Fausta said offhandedly, staring at her chicken.
> 
> "FAUSTA! HOW'S YOUR DINNER?" Astrid yelled down the table and paused before adding, "HAVE YOU GOTTEN AROUND TO TELLING MALFOY YOU'RE DESPERATELY IN LOVE WITH HIM YET? WOW, RON HAS A NICE - OH WAIT, DIDN'T MEAN TO YELL THAT! SORRY ALL!" Astrid yelled, and, quite satisfied with herself, settled down to eat.
> 
> "Yeah Fausta, why haven't you gotten around to that?" Goyle asked a bright red Fausta and was belching up slugs a moment later, care of a beet red Malfoy.
> 
> "She has _no_ shame," Malfoy muttered, staring down at his chicken, looking quite disgusted.
> 
> "Don't tell me you're surprised," Fausta snorted, glancing over at the Gryffindor table to see Ron, also bright red -- Astrid had a knack for that.
> 
> "Why do you associate with her sort?" Malfoy spat finally, glancing over at her.
> 
> "You mean to tell me _your_ sort is more preferable?" Fausta asked with a small smirk before a small chicken came waltzing down the table, "Astrid, stop playing with your food."
> 
> The chicken stopped, almost looking offended by Fausta's remark before a large, black rat burst from the chicken, landing on Malfoy's plate. It looked up at him with innocent, oil-drop eyes before Malfoy gave a shriek, but whether it was of fear or rage, no one could tell, and stormed from the hall, seemingly towards his next class.
> 
> Fausta merely stared at little Severus before another chicken came waltzing down the table, picked him up and began back towards Astrid.
> 
> "What's going on here?" Snape hissed as he appeared at the table to see what all the noise was about. The chicken immediately fell to the table and little Severus hid under it, cowering up at his namesake.
> 
> "Get that _rat_ away from the table, Ackerley. It's disgusting," Snape hissed and turned to leave.
> 
> "But Malfoy's already gone, sir," Astrid said pleasantly, before Fausta spoke up.
> 
> "Shall I get Meph, Astrid?"
> 
> "I'll be good," Astrid sat quietly, and lunch continued uneventfully.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> "You _know_ the answer, Malfoy ... you know it!" Snape hissed, inches away from the boy's face, glaring at him insanely. He had taken the hit to Slytherin rather hard and was currently scrambling to regain some of Astrid's lost points.
> 
> "But I don't sir ... " Malfoy said, wincing ever so slightly as he tried to avert his gaze from Snape's beady, black eyes.
> 
> "I'm going to turn around and plug my ears. You have ten seconds to _help_ Mr. Malfoy," Snape said, looking around at all the Slytherins as the Gryffindors sat, appalled.
> 
> "It's rat's tail!" Astrid yelled, as if she had been waiting to say that for the longest time. Snape looked at her, utterly dumbfounded.
> 
> "Wait until I have my fingers in my ears ... " he began, half way between exasperation, and complete and utter awe that Astrid had known the answer to his question.
> 
> "Er ... rat's tail?" Malfoy ventured, glancing between Astrid and Snape, who immediately turned to him, looking overjoyed.
> 
> "YES! Quite right! And since that was such a difficult and advanced question," he paused to consider for a moment, "20 points to Slytherin. I think that's fair."
> 
> "WHAT!?" Dean Thomas yelled.
> 
> "20 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR!" Snape nearly squealed, sounding overjoyed once again.
> 
> "Sir! Potter's looking at you funny!" Astrid chimed, and Snape turned to consider her for a moment before turning his gaze on Harry, who looked a little too innocent.
> 
> "So Potter ... thought you could get away with it, did you?" Snape said silkily, enjoying himself far too much.
> 
> "Get away with _what_?" Harry asked, sounding quite confused.
> 
> "Don't you talk back to me! 15 points from Gryffindor! Perhaps that will teach you some manners, boy!" Snape said, now looking around the classroom almost frantically for a reason to hand out points to Slytherin. His eyes finally rested on Fausta and seemed to light up as an idea came to his mind.
> 
> "Ah! Fausta! You're sitting so nicely! Straight and proud! Just as a Slytherin should! 5 points to Slytherin!"
> 
> "Sir, don't you think you're getting a bit carried away?" this came from Malfoy. Normally Snape would have jumped on him, but he turned to Malfoy, an insane glimmer in his eyes.
> 
> "Excellent judgement Malfoy! 10 points to Slytherin!"
> 
> "Sir ... "
> 
> "Yes ... perhaps you're right ... perhaps we should get to some homework ... I want a five scroll report on the uses of rats tail by tomorrow!" he paused, looking around eagerly for one of the Gryffindors to speak up, but they were all just staring at him in shock. His face fell a little and he narrowed his eyes, "All right. One scroll. By the end of the week." He finished, sounding sorely disappointed.
> 
> "YOU'RE AN IDIOT!" Astrid yelled at Snape, not bothering to disguise her voice.
> 
> "WHAT!?" Snape screamed, turning towards her.
> 
> "IT WAS POTTER!" Astrid said immediately, grinning almost as Snape had.
> 
> "POTTER! DETENTION!" Snape called, gleeful once again.
> 
> "You can't be serious!" Ron piped up.
> 
> "RON! QUIET!" Astrid yelled quickly.
> 
> "You may join him, Weasley!" Snape hissed.
> 
> "OH! ME TOO SIR!" Astrid called, waving her arm in the air.
> 
> "Ackerley! Quiet, you're ruining it! Weasley, Potter - "
> 
> "And Ackerley!"
> 
> "_NOT_ ACKERLEY!"
> 
> "Greasy old git."
> 
> "I'll pretend I didn't hear that. As I was saying, Weasley, Potter," he paused to shoot a glare at Astrid so she wouldn't feel tempted to say anything further, "you will report to my office this evening at ten - "
> 
> "Actually sir, that's sort of an inconvenience, you see, Ron and I have some plans tonight, if you catch my drift, wink wink, nudge nudge," Astrid began again, winking at Snape who simply stared at her dumbfounded.
> 
> "You will be cleaning out my supply cabinet, I have some things I no longer require," Snape continued, as if he hadn't heard Astrid at all. The rest of their double potions class continued quietly, the Gryffindors too frightened to say anything, and the Slytherins too disgusted with Astrid's behavior. Harry, however, sat, slack-jawed and dumbfounded, wondering how this ever could have started ...


	4. Wrath of the Pickleweasel

> _Chapter Three_   
_By Hary_
> 
> __
> 
> **Authors Note:** We have noticed, in between writing our masterpiece, that the small (and reeeeeally crappy) fics seem to get the most attention. Now why is that? Well, they're a quick read, and let's face it, everyone loves to belittle someone else anonymously. Wait, maybe that's just us. ^_^ (whoever's reading this is a git. Ha.) In any case, we've decided to take a turn with our writing, and so, we present to you (with much pride), the new format for Harry Potter and Something Or Other.
> 
> Hary was cool. He has blak heir. He also has a lihtning scare on his hed. Astrid sez Ron is sexy. Bad Astrid! (Bad Ron two! Heheh!) Fustu is a bich. (OH NO! That's not PG!) We ment Fustu is meen. We dun't lick her. (Astrid licks Ron. Wink wink, nuge, nuge. Heheh.) Won day Drako kiled Hary. By Hary. Fustu spit on his carkus. Ron cride. Astrid mad him feel beter. Heheh. The end.
> 
> Now, was that a work of genius, or what? I mean, honestly people, that should get us quite a lot of reviews. Such as:
> 
> Yes, Fustu is a bich.
> 
> Or:
> 
> U bastards! I wright fics lick that! They R so GUD! So scrue U!!!!
> 
> Or:
> 
> U R SO FUNNY! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! LOLOLOLOLOL! MORE!
> 
> Or, our personal favourite:
> 
> This story is crap. Go to Hell. And burn there.
> 
> I think we will. Thanks. Oh, and enjoy the ACTUAL chapter three. (It's not much better than the fake one. :P)
> 
> _The REAL Chapter Three_   
_Wrath of the Pickleweasel_   
_(Yup, that REALLY is the title.)_
> 
> Harry strode slowly down the hallway, keeping his eyes on the dull-grey stone floor beneath him, wondering what evil force had possessed Hogwart's as of late. Taking a moment longer to think about that, it really wasn't such a difficult question to answer. Fausta Darcy and Astrid Ackerley. He was going to a detention in Snape's dungeon because of them. He was going to a detention in Snape's dungeon ALONE because of them. Ron hadn't shown up ... after Potions class, he and Astrid had disappeared and he hadn't seen either one since. Just the thought of what they could be doing ... well, he tried not to think about that. What Ron saw in that nut ... well, he tried not to think about that either. He hadn't thought things could get much worse - after all the battles with Voldemort, dealing with Draco Malfoy daily and just managing to survive at the Dursley's, well, Harry couldn't have imagined anything odder than that. But with Ron always disappearing ... he had known how to deal with Voldemort - to some degree anyway - but Ron and Astrid? Harry was completely clueless.
> 
> He continued down the hallway, lost in his own thoughts. He was so absorbed, in fact, that he managed to step into one of the false steps on the way to the dungeon ... he hadn't done that since forth year when he was sneaking down to Professor Snape's office to see why Barty Crouch was sneaking around ... or Barty Crouch Jr, rather.
> 
> "Oh ... bother," Harry muttered, taking a moment to tone down his language in case a teacher might be listening in.
> 
> "Got yourself in a spot of trouble, have you, Potter?" the one voice Harry didn't want to hear at that moment rang out.
> 
> "I'm fine, Astrid," Harry said, trying not to sound absolutely dismal.
> 
> "All right then, I'll just be on my merry way!" Astrid grinned as she appeared in Harry's line of sight and continued down towards the dungeon, "you might want to remind Ron he has detention with you, when you see him."
> 
> "He's not with you?" Harry asked, sounding more surprised than he would have liked to.
> 
> "Well, I don't see him, do you?" Astrid snorted and continued on her way.
> 
> "You worried about him or something?" Harry asked with what could be interpreted as a grin.
> 
> "Where ever would you get such a preposterous idea!?" Astrid demanded, turning swiftly on her heel, to face Harry, and placing her hands angrily on her hips.
> 
> "You're very disagreeable," Harry stated flatly, quickly becoming bored with this, and also worried about being late for Snape's detention.
> 
> "Oh, you're such a charmer, Potter," Astrid rolled her eyes and trod up the stairs again to help Harry out of the trick step.
> 
> "What're you doing here, anyway? I thought Snape said you couldn't come for detention," Harry almost grinned again, at this idea, casting a weary glance at Astrid.
> 
> "Extra credit assignment," Astrid said vaguely, suddenly looking quite shifty.
> 
> "Oh," Harry said simply as the two began down the steps.
> 
> "Oh, all right, if you're really going to press me ... you're such a bother, Potter," Astrid said, sounding just a little bit annoyed, but all the same quite pleased with herself, "I - "
> 
> "Actually, I didn't a- "
> 
> "I mean, if you REALLY want to know. I've come down to watch Professor Snape," Astrid said, smiling a little too pleasantly.
> 
> "To what?" Harry asked, quite confused.
> 
> "Deaf or dumb, Potter? Little bit of both? I understand. Toooooo waaaaatch hiiiiiiiiim," Astrid repeated, speaking very slowly so that Harry would be able to hear her.
> 
> "Watch him do what exactly?" Harry asked, not sure he really wanted to know.
> 
> "I don't know. Do Snapey things," Astrid shrugged, hugging herself, glancing innocently up at the ceiling.
> 
> It took a moment for the realization to hit Harry ... but when it did, he literally jumped back against the wall, pressing himself against the stone, a horrified look on his thin face.
> 
> "YOU _LIKE_ SNAPE!? That's ... that's ... DISGUSTING!" Harry yelled, completely and utterly appalled. Astrid, for the first time since Harry had met her, went beet red and immediately began trying to silence him.
> 
> "He might HEAR you!" Astrid hissed.
> 
> "Oh yeah, that would be a shame! He might be even MORE frightened of you!" Harry sputtered, edging himself slowly away from Astrid, sticking close to the wall.
> 
> "Aw come on, Harry ... I've just shared something beautiful with you ... " Astrid grinned her trademark, insane grin.
> 
> "I wish you hadn't," Harry said flatly, before an odd feeling lurched his stomach ... he stood staring at her for a long moment before he finally asked yet another question he REALLY didn't want to know the answer to, "Does Ron know?"
> 
> "Well ... it really depends on your definition of ... Ron ... I mean, er, knowledge. Yes, that's what I meant ... I mean, you know, it's hard to ... complicated ... er ... Potter, wait here while I get my wand," Astrid nodded and began searching her pockets for her wand.
> 
> "I'm going to be late for detention," Harry said quickly and jogged off towards Snape's office, ignoring Astrid's yells behind him.
> 
> "I have students coming to detention, Eichmann, get out of here," Harry heard Snape hiss as he neared the dungeon.
> 
> "I just wanted to visit my old friend, Severus. There aren't so many people who have as much in common as we do," a voice Harry hadn't heard before followed - he could only assume this was "Eichmann".
> 
> "Subtle. Very subtle," Snape muttered sarcastically before Harry heard the opening of a door.
> 
> "WEASLEY! WHAT WERE YOU DOING EAVSDROPPING?" Snape demanded after a moment and Harry shook his head, giving out an exasperated moan.
> 
> "That boy's a bad influence," Astrid said sounding mildly amused.
> 
> Harry just gave her a mildly annoyed look and continued towards the dungeon, pausing to watch as a rather thin man with orangey-red hair, freckles and large blue eyes walked past. Harry couldn't help but think the man could easily pass for a member of the Weasley household.
> 
> The man paused to regard Harry, his eyes inevitably landing on Harry's lightening-bolt scar and he gave out a small "eep" before running off towards the staircase.
> 
> "That was ... interesting," Harry commented, not quite sure what to think of that.
> 
> "He's cute ... " Astrid commented with a grin as Harry gave her an absolutely appalled look.
> 
> "Who's cute?" Ron asked, appearing from around the corner Eichmann had come.
> 
> "You are, sweetheart!" Astrid blurted out quickly, causing Ron to turn a bright shade of scarlet.
> 
> "Sweetheart?" Harry questioned, looking quite amused.
> 
> "Er ... I mean ... YOU FRECKLED GIT!" Astrid called, shoving Ron back against the wall, pausing a moment to give him an over-exaggerated wink before jogging off towards Snape's office. A rather loud groan told Harry and Ron that Astrid had met up with Professor Snape.
> 
> "What do _you_ want?" Snape asked in distaste.
> 
> "I just wanted to get a bit of extra work in … also thought I might watch Weasley and Potter for you, you work so very hard, Severus, dear, you really do deserve a break," Astrid said as Ron and Harry appeared around the corner.
> 
> "Did you treat your teachers at your _old_ school like this?" Ron asked in a mix of curiosity, disgust and anger.
> 
> "Oh, the teachers at my old school weren't nearly this ... " Astrid paused to glance at Professor Snape who glared at her coldly.
> 
> "Finish that sentence and I'll have you thrown out of Hogwarts," Snape said coldly, flinging open the door to his office, "however, I must speak to Miss Darcy. I'll be back in 10 minutes, I shouldn't think that would be enough time for you to make a mess of things, Miss Ackerley."
> 
> "You'd think that, wouldn't you?" Astrid grinned and shook her head, pushing her way into Snape's office.
> 
> "Nearly this _what_?" Ron demanded as he also found his way into Snape's office.
> 
> Snape shook his head, sighed and glanced to Harry, looking as if he would rather impale himself on his own wand than say what he was about to.
> 
> "Make sure they don't do anything. _ANYTHING_," Snape said and turned to walk away when a crash rang out through the air.
> 
> "IT WAS LIKE THAT WHEN I GOT HERE!" Astrid yelled and then ran out to Snape, looking rather embarrassed.
> 
> "I'll keep a closer eye on Ron," she nodded and disappeared again, leaving an exasperated Snape standing dumbfounded in the hallway.
> 
> "No problem, Professor Snape," Harry said … this was an odd feeling, for once, he and Snape actually agreed on something … that was the benefit of having a common enemy.
> 
> "She was the _best_ her school had to offer? Lord, I wouldn't want to see the rest of those idiots," Snape muttered before starting down the hallway to the Slytherin common room.
> 
> "All right ... stop whatever you're doing ... I'm coming in, and I don't want to walk in on anything … questionable," Harry said, feeling a distinct churning his stomach as he moved towards the door.
> 
> "All right! Give us a minute! No ... they're on backwards again, Ron ... honestly, didn't your mother teach you how to dress?" Astrid called out, all very loudly.
> 
> "I'm going to have nightmares about that for the rest of my life," Harry shook his head, leaning up against the wall next to the door, wishing Astrid hadn't shown up.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> "I'm sure Meph didn't _mean_ to claw at your face, Draco ... he thought you were an intruder, didn't you Meph? Didn't you, pretty kitty? You probably scared him half to death! You awful thing! I'm going to tell Professor Snape you abused my poor kitten!" Fausta spouted, trying to suppress a smirk as she scratched her fluffy, black cat behind the ears.
> 
> "How is this _my_ fault!?" Draco demanded, wincing and tenderly fingering the many claw marks running down his pale face.
> 
> "I liked it best when he screamed 'MY FACE!! MY BEAUTIFUL FACE!' " a second year Slytherin girl chortled as she passed, giving the cat an approving glance.
> 
> Draco had only to glance at Crabbe and Goyle before horrified screams rang out through the Slytherin common room.
> 
> "No sense of humor, Draco. Mar your 'beautiful face' and suddenly you have a stick up your - " Fausta dropped off as she heard someone enter the common room. All eyes turned towards the entrance, english muffins at the ready, just in case it was Astrid. However, when Professor Snape came striding into view, they quickly hid their muffins and watched him expectantly.
> 
> "Fausta, I'd like to have a word with you," Snape said as he approached Fausta and Draco. He did a double take as he looked at Draco's red face and shook his head with an exasperated sigh before walking back towards the entrance of the common room, Fausta following close behind him.
> 
> "You'll keep Malfoy company, won't you, dear Meph?" Fausta said with an evil grin as she tossed Meph towards Malfoy, who screamed in horror and launched himself towards the 7th year boys Slytherin dorm.
> 
> "What did you need, Professor?" Fausta asked when she and Snape had made their way out of the common room and down the hallway a few feet.
> 
> "I trust you remember the proposal you met me with?" Snape asked.
> 
> Fausta smirked, she could almost see Astrid's face at Snape using the word "proposal", she quickly wiped the smirk away and nodded.
> 
> "Of course, Professor, how could I forget?" she replied politely.
> 
> "You're quite sure you can handle Ackerley?" Snape asked, arcing a brow.
> 
> "I've been handling her over the past few days, Professor," Fausta replied once again, as if the whole event had been scripted for her and she was already sure of the outcome.
> 
> "Yes. That's why she's in my office right now doing God-knows-what to that Weasley boy ... " Snape muttered, more to himself than Fausta, "Very well. Keep Ackerley away from the boy. We'll start tomorrow, strictly on a trial basis, is that clear?"
> 
> "Crystal," Fausta smirked and turned back towards the common room.
> 
> "Oh, and Fausta?" Snape called after her, Fausta turned back with an arced brow.
> 
> "Sir?"
> 
> "Nothing ... it's nothing ... "
> 
> "Sir?"
> 
> "You don't think Ackerley would ... never mind," Snape said at last and turned quickly on his heel, running off down the hallway towards his office.
> 
> "Definitely Astrid's type," Fausta mused and turned back towards the Slytherin common room. This was definitely an interesting development. (If this were a _really_ cheesy fic - and not just mildly cheesy, as it is - Fausta would burst into a fit of maniacal laughter right now ... can't you just see that? I can … then again, I picture Snape as being attractive. Yes. This is Astrid speaking ... bite me.) Fausta smirked, walking slowly down the hallway, feeling quite pleased with herself when she sensed someone walking up behind her. She sighed lightly, and without bothering to turn around, called out.
> 
> "Astrid, I'm not in the mood for this. Just get back to the common room, I was _not_ hitting on Snape, for the last time, I would never even _think_ of that, you can _have_ him," Fausta said in an exasperated tone of voice before walking towards the common room once again.
> 
> "Well ... that's nice to know, but Severus isn't really my type. Too greasy," a voice Fausta didn't recognize rang out (yes, rang out _again_ ... stuff really rings in Hogwarts ... it's a castle ... good acoustics ... I left my thesaurus at home, so sue me!)
> 
> Fausta immediately turned beet red and swung around to see the man that could have passed for a Weasley standing there in front of her ... of course, she hadn't been there the first time we introduced this character, but there's really no point in describing him all over again since you, the reader, already know what he looks like - that would just be a waste of space ... not that this isn't really a waste of space, but that's beside the point! You've made me lose my train of thought now ... where was I?
> 
> Fausta immediately turned beet red and swung around to see the red-haired, freckled man standing there looking rather amused. He gave Fausta a quick little bow, his periwinkle robes swirling around him as he returned to his full height. (**Authors Note:** PERIWINKLE! HA! That is like ... the best word ever! Who cares what color that is, its _PERIWINKLE_. ^_^ Oops, sorry, our conversations are leaking into the writing. Just wanted to add some other cool words. Weasel. Pickle. Pickleweasel ... oh man, I am so funny! Okay, back to Fausta and Eichmann. Damn ... pickleweasel ... )
> 
> "Oh, I'm so sorry, I thought you were Astrid ... " Fausta blushed, apologizing profusely as she tried to avert her eyes from the man, as it was hard to look at him since his robes and hair clashed so badly.
> 
> "I should hope so," the man mused and held out his hand to her, "Professor Eichmann, I've signed on as Hogwart's new dueling teaching and I'm looking for Fausta Darcy, perhaps you could help me?"
> 
> "Why are you looking for the incomparable, Miss Darcy?" Fausta asked, smirking a little and narrowing her eyes at the new Professor.
> 
> "It would appear I've found her," Professor Eichmann grinned, crossing his freckled arms over his thin chest.
> 
> "A keen observation," Fausta replied in a somewhat icy tone, though she was careful to watch herself around a teacher. She was still quite embarrassed by the fact she had assumed Professor Eichmann to be Astrid.
> 
> "Most definitely Fausta Darcy," Eichmann repeated, laughing a little to himself.
> 
> "My reputation precedes me?" Fausta asked, sounding almost amused herself.
> 
> "It most certainly does, and is precisely the reason I have sought you out, Miss Darcy," Eichmann responded, still sounding quite amused by the whole situation.
> 
> "No autographs, please," Fausta smirked for a moment, then looked utterly appalled as she realized that was something Astrid was quite likely to say.
> 
> "I need a partner with which to demonstrate the finer arts of dueling," Eichmann continued, completely ignoring Fausta's remark, "I couldn't have hoped for anyone more qualified - I understand you competed in national competitions in Canada."
> 
> "_Won_ national competitions in Canada, Professor Eichmann. There is a distinct difference," Fausta replied icily -- apparently Eichmann's boost to her ego hadn't warmed her to him any.
> 
> "Well, I'll have to keep on my toes, won't I, Fausta?" Eichmann asked, unfazed by Fausta's blatant rudeness.
> 
> "I suppose so, Professor Eichmann," Fausta smirked and turned towards the Slytherin common room once again before calling over her shoulder, "do enjoy your stay at Hogwarts, Professor Eichmann, I understand new teachers don't tend to last very long. Look on the bright side though, you're not teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts ... "
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> "I'm not touching it ... you touch it," Ron said, looking wearily at a rather nasty looking jar of gooey-green-something-or-other. He glanced to Astrid who was currently sitting at Snape's desk, going through all the drawers.
> 
> "_I'm_ not here for detention. Isn't that a laugh," Astrid grinned before continuing, "Just make Harry do it, Ron, dear," Astrid said off-handedly and continued to open drawer after drawer, flinging out all the contents.
> 
> "I think he's going to notice someone ransacked his office," Harry said quietly as he moved towards the jar Ron seemed so afraid of.
> 
> "What _are_ you looking for anyway?" Ron asked sourly, wandering over to stand behind Astrid, peaking over her shoulder.
> 
> "Evidence," Astrid said vaguely, ignoring Harry all together as Ron placed his hands lightly on Astrid's shoulders, leaning forward to get a better look at what she was up to.
> 
> "WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING!?" Snape demanded, choosing the most in-opportune moment to arrive back in his office.
> 
> "Looking through your desk, Severus, I should think that would be obvious enough," Astrid said, evidently deciding there was no way to get herself out of this one.
> 
> "First of all, you will refrain from calling me 'Severus', Miss Ackerley, it is a show of disrespect. And secondly, _what are you doing looking through my desk_!?" Snape demanded, eyes ablaze with anger as he took a warning step towards his desk.
> 
> "Looking for the asarabacca root, Professor Snape, dear," Astrid said, pleasantly enough as she opened another drawer and began sifting through it.
> 
> "_Why_, may I ask, were you looking for the asarabacca root, Miss Ackerley? That was Potter's assignment, I distinctly remember telling you not to help these two out," Snape frowned deeply and moved towards his desk, pulling out his wand.
> 
> "I need it for an Evomo Potion I'm working on," Astrid replied smoothly, continuing her search as Ron gripped her shoulders a little tighter, looking at Snape with wide eyes, wondering if Astrid had pushed him too far this time.
> 
> "An Evomo Potion? That raises several questions. Don't you think that's a little advanced for you, Miss Ackerley? And what did you intend to do with such a potent potion?" Snape asked, eyeing her carefully.
> 
> "I've been making Evomo Potions since 3rd year. It's kids stuff. And what I intend to do with it, well, I don't think you would approve, so I think I shan't answer on the ground that it might incriminate myself and others," Astrid grinned a little, sounding bored with the conversation as she pulled open another drawer.
> 
> "I think perhaps you should leave, Miss Ackerley," Snape said, trying to keep his tone calm and even, as he replaced his wand in his robes.
> 
> "But I wasn't finished yet ... " Astrid complained, glancing quickly up at Ron.
> 
> "I think you've done quite enough," Snape said with a frown.
> 
> "How did you know? Ron's robes aren't on backwards this time!" Astrid said with a grin, glancing to Ron once again, who turned a bright shade of red and ducked out of sight behind Harry.
> 
> "No, yours are. But that's beside the point - " Snape hissed, but stopped as he watched Astrid turn beet red and shuffle out of the room, looking almost as embarrassed as Ron ...
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> "I'll assume by your demeanor that you haven't heard yet," Fausta smirked as she watched Astrid appear in the Slytherin common room. This was perfect, she had hoped Professor Snape wouldn't get around to telling Astrid about Ron cleaning up the Slytherin common room. Perhaps he had wanted to keep it quiet - one couldn't be sure what kind of reaction you'd get from this news. The Slytherin students would most likely be furious. As for the other houses and the administration ... that wasn't much of a pleasant thought either.
> 
> "I'll indulge you, Fausta. Heard what?" Astrid sighed as she plopped herself down in an empty chair next to Fausta, nearly sitting on Meph before he jumped into Fausta's lap and hissed angrily at Astrid.
> 
> "Professor Snape has agreed to let Ron clean the common room ... no doubt you know what this means," Fausta smirked, stroking Meph like an evil genius.
> 
> "Oh Lord ... not in the mood for this, Fausta, really, I'm not," Astrid frowned and picked herself up out of the seat, moving towards the 7th year girls dorm.
> 
> "Oh Astrid ... whatever is the matter?" Fausta asked, feigning concern.
> 
> "Nothing you'd understand," Astrid said flatly, knowing this would get on Fausta's nerves more than anything else, seeing as Fausta knew _EVERYTHING_.
> 
> "Try me," Fausta replied, sounding none-to-pleased.
> 
> "Bite me," Astrid replied, mocking Fausta's tone of voice.
> 
> "Isn't that dear Ron's job?" Fausta asked coolly, smirking ever-so-slightly.
> 
> "I can make a special exception in your case," Astrid said with an obnoxious smile before turning back to the dorms and disappearing out of sight.
> 
> "Oh no, Astrid. This won't do. This won't do at all," Fausta shook her head, a determined look on her face as she stood up and moved towards the dorm herself, when several Slytherin girls appeared from the dorms, eyes fixed on Fausta. Before any of them could speak, a yell came from the dorms behind them.
> 
> "HEY! THOSE ENGLISH MUFFINS ARE GETTING A LITTLE STALE NOW! CAN'T YOU GET SOMETHING FRESHER! OW!! STOP IT! OW!!!! WHO THREW THAT!? YOU'RE MINE MALFOY!"
> 
> Evil, maniacal laughter followed this statement, and Fausta had to cringe a little as she continued towards the dorms, seemingly unfazed by the other girls icy glares.
> 
> "Stay away from Malfoy," Pansy Parkinson hissed, pounding her fist menacingly into her hand.
> 
> "Come again? I must be hearing things, I could have sworn you just told me to stay away from Malfoy," Fausta laughed, obviously amused by the very idea.
> 
> "You heard me! Stay away from Malfoy!" Pansy repeated, narrowing her eyes at Fausta.
> 
> "Oh, it's not that simple, _Pansy_," Fausta hissed right back at her, hand moving for her wand.
> 
> "Well, maybe we can help you simplify it," Pansy retorted.
> 
> "Think of that one yourself, did you Pansy?" Fausta asked, glancing around at the other girls, "I had no idea Draco had such a large fan club."
> 
> "DRACO'S MINE!" Pansy yelled, whipping her wand out, aiming it at Fausta and ... flying back against the wall. She lay there in a heap with several of the other Slytherin girls before getting up to see who had done the damage. In the doorway to the boys dorm stood Draco Malfoy, wand out in front of him.
> 
> "No one messes with your girlfriend, eh Malfoy?" Astrid said with an evil grin as she appeared from the girls dorm, apparently, she had been watching the whole thing.
> 
> "I have been waiting so long to do this," Malfoy said, turning his wand on Astrid.
> 
> "You'll have to wait a little longer, Mr. Malfoy," Snape said, appearing in the common room. All eyes turned on him and Astrid let out an over-exaggerated, frightened wail.
> 
> "Oh thank the _Lord_ you got here in _time_, Severus! He was going to do _awful_ things to me!" Astrid cried as she ran towards Snape and latched her arms around his waist, burying her face in his chest.
> 
> "GET AWAY FROM ME!" Snape practically screamed, flinging himself around the room in an attempt to dislodge Astrid, Malfoy didn't think he'd ever seen Snape look so frightened.
> 
> "Oh, yes, not in front of the others, I understand," Astrid said, giving Snape an over-exaggerated wink before moving back towards the girls dorms.
> 
> "What are you doing here, Professor?" Pansy finally piped up, hoping she wouldn't be getting into any trouble.
> 
> "I heard this commotion all the way from my office! What is the _meaning_ of this?" Snape demanded, glaring at all in attendance.
> 
> "Well, you see sir - " Astrid began, but Snape quickly cut her off.
> 
> "I don't want to hear your twisted version of events, Ackerley. Someone with a little sense - what happened!?" Snape demanded again and Astrid looked a little crushed.
> 
> "Fausta and Draco attacked me!" Pansy shrieked.
> 
> "I said someone with a little sense, Miss Parkinson," Snape said dryly, looking now at Fausta, "Would you care to explain, Miss Darcy."
> 
> "Well, Pansy and her friends seemed to have claimed possession of a certain Mr. Malfoy," Fausta smirked, glancing back at them, pausing before she continued, but Snape cut her off.
> 
> "I think that's all I need to hear. All of you, get back to your dorms. Weasley will clean this up tomorrow night. No one will hear of this, understood?" Snape said through gritted teeth, obviously not wanting to have to take points from his own house.
> 
> "Well, with that scream you let out, I don't see how anyone could have missed it, Severus," Astrid shrugged a little, glancing down at the heap of Slytherin girls.
> 
> "I thought we had a discussion about that, Miss Ackerley," Snape reminded her.
> 
> "Discussion about what, Severus?" Astrid asked innocently.
> 
> "Never mind ... why do I even bother?" Snape muttered before disappearing from the room, leaving the group to sort things out themselves ...
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> "Did you hear? Astrid Ackerley went nuts last night and went on a rampage in the Slytherin common room! Took out Pansy Parkinson and almost got Snape! Did you hear him scream last night?" rumors were flying once again around Hogwarts and it was all Fausta could do to sit there and not go on a rampage herself.
> 
> Astrid hadn't shown up to breakfast yet, but Fausta couldn't blame her - these rumors were even worse than the ones going around after they had apparently found Astrid in the Gryffindor common room.
> 
> A hushed murmur fell over the room as the girl of the hour made her triumphant entrance into the room. She sauntered towards the Slytherin table, bowing and curtseying here and there, blowing out kisses to anyone who'd give her a second glance before she hopped on top of the Slytherin table to take a flamboyant bow, before she was beat down by a barrage of english muffins.
> 
> "Ever the showman," Fausta mused as Astrid feel into a seat next to her, batting away the english muffins that still flew at her. She paused for a moment to stand up once again, looking around with an angry glare.
> 
> "HEY! THAT WAS A SAUSAGE!" she yelled and plopped herself down again, glancing to Fausta with a shrug.
> 
> "You got off easy, Ackerley," Malfoy glared at her across the table and it became painfully obvious that he was quite angry about not being able to put Astrid in her place last night.
> 
> "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you didn't like me, Malfoy," Astrid grinned a little and helped herself to some scrambled eggs.
> 
> "If I didn't know any better, I'd say you had a brain in that empty head of yours," Malfoy retorted, still glaring at Astrid.
> 
> "Oh, the burn," Astrid rolled her eyes, picked up her plate and began moving towards the Gryffindor table.
> 
> "What _is_ she doing?" Malfoy asked, eyes widening in absolute disgust as Astrid seated herself next to Ron at the Gryffindor table, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING, ACKERLEY! SLYTHERIN ONCE HAD _HONOR_!! GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!"
> 
> "That will be quite enough, Draco," Fausta sighed and yanked him down into his seat.
> 
> "But she's making us look bad! She's making you look bad! She's making me look bad!" Draco sputtered, his face going red.
> 
> "You're doing a fine job of that yourself, Draco," Fausta shook her head, glancing over at the Gryffindor table - everyone but Ron had moved down several seats to get away from Astrid, she didn't seem to notice.
> 
> "I'm glad I always have you here to lower my self-esteem," Malfoy snorted, glancing over at the Gryffindor table himself, "she's even making _them_ look bad!"
> 
> "Attention! Attention!" Albus Dumbledore called over the hall, and almost immediately everyone went silent, except, of course, for Astrid.
> 
> "No, I'm serious, Fausta told me she wants to have like, a million of Malfoy's babies! Oh, sorry, are we all being quiet now? Don't mind me!" Astrid chirped, glancing around.
> 
> "Thank you, Miss Ackerley," Dumbledore said, his eyes sparkling with amusement as he glanced towards Fausta and Malfoy, seeing they were both turning six shades of red, "I have an announcement that should interest you all," Dumbledore began, glancing out over the hall to make sure he had everyone's attention.
> 
> "It is time, once again, for Hogwart's annual Iuvenesco Ball. Normally, this ball is restricted to graduating students only, as it is a celebration of the knowledge they have acquired at Hogwarts. But this year, we will be opening the Ball to students of younger years, if they are invited by graduating students.
> 
> "As I'm sure you know, this Ball is an opportunity for you to display your skills and talents for your fellow students, and your parents. I'm sure this will be a very exciting time for all of you, and more information will be given to you by your House leader." Dumbledore finished and seated himself once again at the teacher's tables.
> 
> "I've never heard of this Iuvensco Ball ... " Malfoy muttered, wondering what he had missed.
> 
> "Oh, well then, if the great _Draco Malfoy_ hasn't heard of it, there _must_ be something wrong," Fausta snorted, picking up her bag and starting out of the hall.
> 
> "Get back here so I can retort!" Malfoy yelled, running out of the hall after Fausta.
> 
> "DON'T LOOK SO DESPERATE, DRACO," Astrid yelled after him, "IT'S ALL RIGHT, SHE ALREADY WANTS YOU ANYWAY!"
> 
> "YOU'RE DEAD ACKERLEY!" Malfoy yelled, but continued out of the hall anyway.
> 
> "My work here is done," Astrid grinned and picked up her books, starting off after her housemates …
> 
> **Authors Note:** Did anyone else notice we never did Author's Notes before this chapter? Weird, huh? Oh well. Yes, the next chapter of Harry Potter and Something or Other (or Astrid and Ron Get Their Groove Back) (oooor Fausta, Queen of the Harpies) will be coming along soon. I know none of you can wait, since our readers went down more than 50% from chapter one to two. Oh. The burn. Also coming up in chapter 4 (desperately trying to gain interest here) SNAPE/RON   
SLASH! WOO! (Astrid sez: Can I join in?) j/k


	5. It Tastes Like Chicken

> _Chapter Four_   
_It Tastes Like Chicken!_
> 
> __
> 
> **Authors Note:** Before we even start, we thought we'd leave our loyal readers with a thought or two ... WHERE ARE YOU!? What the hell is this!? I mean honestly people ... all right ... I think we're done ... YOU BASTARDS! Okay, sorry, my mistake.
> 
> The next issue would, of course, be the titles of our chapters. They started out making some sense. Screams of Agony, for instance (the title of our first chapter - yes, we know you were sitting there going "What the hell is that?" God. Read the story. Please … for the love of God ... sorry, are we getting desperate?) Back on topic! Screams of Agony - the sounds that could be heard resounding through the households of our readers. Ha ha. That was funny. It wasn't? Shut the hell up. Okay, chapter two ... wait, let me go look. (Yes, even WE don't remember the title of chapter two.) Truth Hurts. Well. When we STARTED writing it was GOING to make sense ... there was going to be this thing with rumors about Ron and Astrid, but we never really got around to that. Now - chapter three. We have no idea where the hell that came from. We're still in counseling trying to figure that one out. Although it was pretty DAMN funny! (Come on ... pickleweasel ... yeah, I hear you giggling.) And now, chapter four. It tastes like chicken. Ones thoughts would first wander to Ron ... no, wait ... Astrid's thoughts would first wander to Ron ... and that's so very wrong. So why are we calling this chapter "It Tastes Like Chicken"? Because it does. It really, truly does. Give it a lick ...
> 
> ...   
...   
...
> 
> We just made you lick you computer monitor. We wield supreme power. So now that we've proven our power anyway, you might as well just review the fic. You've got nothing to lose. Except maybe a few brain cells ... but lets not get into that.
> 
> So, without further ado (there's been enough of that.) we bring you … Harry Potter and Something or Other - Chapter Four - It Tastes Like Chicken.
> 
> (For those of you who were paying attention at the end of chapter three, this will make sense. For the rest of you, just smile, nod, and skip this next paragraph.)
> 
> Ron stood in Professor Snape's office. Did he really want to do this? COULD he really do this? Astrid had been quite adamant that he do this. That had to be a good sign ... er, well ... never mind that. He looked towards the door with anticipation, any moment now the Professor would be returning and ...
> 
> NO!!! WAIT!!! This is Fausta here, and this is just horribly, HORRIBLY wrong. I cannot condone such wanton filth. FILTH!! I don't CARE what you said at the end of chapter three, I canNOT believe you wrote that ... go to get a glass of water and look what she's promising you disgusting morons. Yes. Morons. This means you Megan! Green hair, honestly ... you're going down sister, if I ever get my hands on you ...
> 
> ***Fausta starts foaming at the mouth and is dragged off by men in white coats***
> 
> They're coming to take me away! Hee hee! Sorry about that! Who wants to get back to that SPICY scene? I DO! (Yes, this is Astrid.) Geez ... can you imagine? Snape ... and Ron ... oooh ... and somehow their shirts get ripped off ... oh yeah ... and they get covered in peanut butter for some reason ... yeah, this is good ... ***BZT!!!! - Astrid gets electrocuted after drooling all over the keyboard*** Ack ...
> 
> (Perhaps we should get to the actual story? By this point, we're even scaring ourselves. It's not our fault ... Spike had poofy hair on Buffy today ... do you have any IDEA what that does to us!? POOF POOF!!!!)
> 
> _Yes, We're Finally On To Chapter Four_   
_(It Still Has A Screwed Up Title)_   
_It Tastes Like Chicken_
> 
> "Are you absolutely insane?" Professor McGonagall demanded, her eyes fixed wildly on Professor Snape. They stood in her office - he had asked to speak with her after Dumbledore had made his announcement.
> 
> "Yes ... yes, my little dumpling, crazy in love with YOU!" Snape chorused, pointing at her as he advanced on her, "now TAKE ME!" he yelled, throwing his arms out to either side.
> 
> _Okay ... sorry, just had to get that out of my system ... dumpling. ^_^_
> 
> "Are you absolutely insane?" Professor McGonagall demanded, her eyes fixed wildly on Professor Snape. They stood in her office - he had asked to speak with her after Dumbledore had made his announcement.
> 
> "Is that a no?" Snape smirked, glancing up from the bookshelf he had been examining.
> 
> "No, Severus, is not NEARLY a strong enough sentiment," McGonagall hissed, glaring over at him.
> 
> "Perhaps I should see Dumbledore about this then," Snape shrugged, moving towards the door, "he's always been an open individual."
> 
> "I won't let that stodgy bastard have you! All right, I'll take you!"
> 
> _OKAY! That was the LAST time! I promise. (These life savers are going straight to my head.)_
> 
> "Perhaps I should see Dumbledore about this then," Snape shrugged, moving towards the door.
> 
> "You think his answer will be any different?" McGonagall sounded almost amused by this notion.
> 
> _(I'm so tempted to say "Dumbledore owes me a favour." "What KIND of favour, Severus?" "Never you mind, my little love donkey!" However, I said I wouldn't do any more of that. So. Yes.)_
> 
> "In this case, yes. The rumors that have been flying around Hogwarts as of late are doing nothing for the school's reputation," Snape commented offhandedly.
> 
> "And this would do nothing, if not fuel them, Severus!" McGonagall frowned.
> 
> Suddenly Astrid burst into the room and threw herself at Professor Snape.
> 
> "NOW TAKE ME!"
> 
> _Just kidding. That didn't happen. Damnit ... we're far too hyper to be writing right now. Ah well, this will be interesting to look back on in the morning. ("Wait ... did we actually POST that ... OH SH…OOT!")_
> 
> "I would expect more from you, Minerva," Snape shrugged and continued from the room.
> 
> "What have you got up your sleeve, Severus?" McGonagall frowned deeply.
> 
> "It's not my sleeve you should be worried about," Snape wiggled his eyebrows.
> 
> _Wow ... this is going to have to be rated R this time around. *grin*_
> 
> "Is this really how you'd like to find out?" Snape smirked, glancing out into the hallway.
> 
> "You're not going to bully me into this, Severus," McGonagall stated.
> 
> _You sick BASTARDS! I wasn't thinking anything sick THAT TIME. I'm appalled._
> 
> "Have it your way," Snape shrugged, seeming all too pleased with himself.
> 
> "Fine," McGonagall sighed, turning her gaze from Snape, unable to look at him now.
> 
> "Oh?"
> 
> "Mr. Weasley will clean the Slytherin common room. Just don't let me hear anything going on between him and Miss Ackerley," McGonagall shuttered visibly.
> 
> "I knew you'd see it my way," Snape smiled sinisterly and walked from the room.
> 
> "Severus?"
> 
> "Yes Minerva?"
> 
> "TAKE ME!"
> 
> "Come again?"
> 
> "Never mind,"
> 
> "All right then, see you tonight for wink wink, nudge nudge?"
> 
> "Of course!"
> 
> **And now, the non-convoluted version of the previous scene:******
> 
> "Are you absolutely insane?" Professor McGonagall demanded, her eyes fixed wildly on Professor Snape. They stood in her office - he had asked to speak with her after Dumbledore had made his announcement.
> 
> "Is that a no?" Snape smirked, glancing up from the bookshelf he had been examining.
> 
> "No, Severus, is not NEARLY a strong enough sentiment," McGonagall hissed, glaring over at him.
> 
> "Perhaps I should see Dumbledore about this then," Snape shrugged, moving towards the door.
> 
> "You think his answer will be any different?" McGonagall sounded almost amused by this notion.
> 
> "In this case, yes. The rumors that have been flying around Hogwarts as of late are doing nothing for the school's reputation," Snape commented offhandedly.
> 
> "And this would do nothing, if not fuel them, Severus!" McGonagall frowned.
> 
> "I would expect more from you, Minerva," Snape shrugged and continued from the room.
> 
> "What have you got up your sleeve, Severus?" McGonagall frowned deeply.
> 
> "Is this really how you'd like to find out?" Snape smirked, glancing out into the hallway.
> 
> "You're not going to bully me into this, Severus," McGonagall stated.
> 
> "Have it your way," Snape shrugged, seeming all too pleased with himself.
> 
> "Fine," McGonagall sighed, turning her gaze from Snape, unable to look at him now.
> 
> "Oh?"
> 
> "Mr. Weasley will clean the Slytherin common room. Just don't let me hear anything going on between him and Miss Ackerley," McGonagall shuttered visibly.
> 
> "I knew you'd see it my way," Snape smiled sinisterly and walked from the room.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> Ron sat at the Gryffindor table (at lunch) with Astrid, glancing towards the Slytherin table where several of his classmates were sending him evil looks. The Slytherins had managed to twist the story (as usual) and it was now Ron who had bewitched Astrid into liking him. Fausta thought that was giving Ron too much credit, but she was friends with "the bewitched one" so didn't get too much say in Slytherin matters these days. Ron munched uneasily on his peanut butter sandwich as Astrid cozied up next to him, grinning somewhat insanely.
> 
> "How's it goin', Ron?" she asked, a little too casually for Ron's liking.
> 
> "Um ... okay," he shrugged a little, giving her a sidelong glance.
> 
> "That's good," Astrid continued to grin, staring at Ron.
> 
> "Astrid ... what's up?" Ron asked uneasily.
> 
> "I've just got a good feeling about you being able to clean the common room," Astrid nodded, crossing her arms over her chest.
> 
> "You're not going to ... do anything, are you?" Ron asked uneasily.
> 
> "Don't you trust me?" Astrid pouted a little.
> 
> "I don't think I should answer that question," Ron bit into his sandwich again, glancing wearily at Astrid.
> 
> "I'm beginning to think this relationship is a purely physical thing for you," Astrid said in an indiscernible tone of voice.
> 
> "There's another one I don't think I should comment on," Ron told her with a nod.
> 
> "That's not funny, Ron," Astrid frowned deeply, watching him carefully as Severus (the rat, not the teacher) crawled out of her robes and onto the table, sniffing around for food. (Having said that ... wouldn't it be funny if it WAS the teacher? Crawling around in Astrid's robes … heheh, I think someone would notice though ... moving on!)
> 
> "You realize we're all alone at this end of the table?" Ron asked, trying to change the subject quickly.
> 
> "Go sit with them," Astrid frowned, scooping up Severus and walking quickly out of the hall.
> 
> "I didn't mean I don't want to sit with you!" Ron yelled after her, but she was already gone.
> 
> "Oh ... fig," Ron muttered absently, getting up and running out after Astrid.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> Fausta glanced around the room with boredom, arcing a brow at the nervous chatter of her classmates. Dueling was, apparently, a new thing at Hogwarts. There had been one previous attempt, but one only needed to hear the name of the previous teacher to understand why it had been discontinued. Gilderoy Lockhart. If his dueling was anything like his writing ... well, she didn't even want to think about that.
> 
> "I think I'll turn her into a toad ... and him ... a badger. And her ... oh lord ... I don't think there are many animals more ugly than she already is. Perhaps a warthog of some kind," Fausta muttered to herself as she skimmed the room with her eyes.
> 
> "Taking stock, are we Fausta?" Professor Eichmann asked, appearing as if from nowhere behind her.
> 
> "Quite a sorry lot," Fausta said, glancing at Eichmann over her shoulder.
> 
> "It shouldn't take much for you to give them an enjoyable show then, should it?" he smiled pleasantly and motioned for her to follow him up to the stage.
> 
> "Where are you going with my partner?" Draco asked, Fausta hadn't even realized he was there.
> 
> "Don't worry Malfoy, I'll take care of you!" Pansy chimed from the other side of the room, running over quickly to assist Malfoy.
> 
> "I think I'd like to drop Dueling," Malfoy said, glancing towards the door.
> 
> "Suck it up, buttercup," a seventh year Hufflepuff told Malfoy, and was soon choking on his wand.
> 
> "Mr. Malfoy, that's not how we conduct ourselves," Eichmann reminded him, but sounded mildly amused anyway.
> 
> "Calm down Malfoy. It'll all be all right," Fausta smirked, crossing her arms over her chest from her place on the stage with Eichmann.
> 
> "All right! You've all signed up for Hogwarts newest class! Dueling! Now, I know some of you may have been in Professor Lockhart's class, and while I would like to use a memory charm on you all, I don't think we have the time. So you'll just have to do your best to forget everything that Professor Lockhart ever taught you," he nodded and looked around the room, a serious look on his face that made what he just said that much more comical … Fausta liked him already.
> 
> "It's okay! We didn't pick any of it up anyway!" a Hufflepuff boy yelled from the back.
> 
> "Someone else is asking for a wand tracheotomy," Malfoy yelled to the boy.
> 
> "That's two, Mr. Malfoy," Eichmann said, trying to suppress his laughter.
> 
> "That's the number that comes after one, Draco dear," Fausta smirked.
> 
> "You could lay off in front of the _Hufflepuff_," Malfoy said with distaste.
> 
> "We're not a lower life form!" one Hufflepuff yelled in a hurt tone of voice.
> 
> "Could've fooled me," Malfoy yelled back, and Fausta did a double take as she thought she heard Eichmann mutter   
"Debatable." He glanced to Fausta and seeing her surprised look, he just grinned cheekily at her before looking out over the crowd again ... it was at that moment that Fausta decided who her favourite Hogwart's teacher was.
> 
> "I see most of you have already paired off, that's great. What do you think we should start them with, Fausta?" Eichmann glanced to Fausta, watching an evil grin spread across her lips.
> 
> "Something messy," she said simply, giving Eichmann a sweet smile.
> 
> "At least she knows what she likes," Eichmann grinned a little and looked out over the class, "let's see ... I haven't gotten to know Madam Pomfrey too well, so until she trusts me, let's not be ripping off each other's limbs." He glanced to Fausta who just grinned at this comment.
> 
> "I've always liked the Decollo spell," Fausta smiled sweetly.
> 
> "Ah, a choice spell. Do you feel up to cleaning up the room afterwards?" Eichmann grinned.
> 
> "There wouldn't be much to clean up," Fausta sniffed, glancing around the room.
> 
> **Author's Note:** Since there's really no more delicate way to give you this information … Decollo is Latin for "to behead" … oh yeah. ^^ Tasty. (This chapter _does_ taste like chicken.)
> 
> "Perhaps we should start with something a little more simple then?" Eichmann mused.
> 
> "That might be for the best," Fausta sighed a little.
> 
> "Shall we start with an Expelliarmus then?" Eichmann asked, glancing over at her.
> 
> "If we have to," Fausta sighed a little.
> 
> "Fausta, you're such a joy," Eichmann grinned and looked out over the crowd, speaking again before Fausta would have a chance to get a word in, "my lovely assistant has benevolently decided to impress upon us all, a more simple spell. The Expelliarmus spell is the foundation of Dueling. I'll tell you what Fausta, I'll try to cast a Decollo spell on you, and you disarm me before I do it. That way, if something goes wrong, the students will be able to see your trademark anyway." Eichmann gave her a questioning glance, trying to suppress a grin once again.
> 
> "An excellent compromise, Professor Eichmann. I hope your reflexes haven't betrayed you in your old age," Fausta smirked, drawing her wand from her robes and holding it out in front of her in a cocky manner.
> 
> "We shall see what my experience has afforded me, Miss Darcy," Eichmann grinned and brandished his own wand, not even waiting to see if she was ready, "DECOLLO!"
> 
> "EXPELLIARMUS!" Fausta yelled, just in time, Eichmann's wand flew to the opposite side of the room, still shooting fiery blue sparks from it's tip.
> 
> "Excellent, I didn't want to have to clean you off my robes," Eichmann smiled a little too pleasantly, though Fausta seemed unfazed. Eichmann turned to collect his wand and saw the rest of the class on the ground with their arms over their heads. He blinked a little and frowned.
> 
> "Everyone all right?" Eichmann asked, arcing a brow.
> 
> "Perhaps they don't have the stomach for dueling," Fausta shrugged a little.
> 
> "And you assumed they weren't intelligent," Eichmann mused, snatching his wand off the ground.
> 
> "Cowardice and intelligence, Professor Eichmann, are not the same thing. Though I can understand how you could make such a mistake," Fausta smirked lightly.
> 
> "What would I do without you here to explain such matters to me, Fausta?" Eichmann smiled pleasantly as he rejoined Fausta.
> 
> "It's best not to think of such things, Professor," Fausta smirked and nodded.
> 
> "So, who's next?" Eichmann asked, looking out over the crowd ...
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> "You could have been _KILLED_! Are you absolutely _INSANE_!? We don't even know anything about that psychotic new teacher!! And he looks suspiciously like a Weasley, I wouldn't trust him ... " Draco yelled, waving his arms around emphatically as he and Fausta walked towards Potions class.
> 
> "I think he's simply wonderful," Fausta shrugged offhandedly, knowing this would only aggravate Malfoy further, "but it's nice to know you care." She snorted a little and picked up her pace, not in the mood for Malfoy's idiocy.
> 
> "HE'S BEWITCHED YOU!" Malfoy screamed, which seemed to be the popular answer to any problem as of late.
> 
> "Yes Malfoy. I've been bewitched. I'm going to run off with Eichmann and we're going to have 70 Weasley-like children. Fausta Eichmann, yes," Fausta said with a mock dreamy sigh.
> 
> "I begin to question my timing," Eichmann smiled as he appeared behind Fausta once again, who, once again, turned neon red.
> 
> "YOU STAY AWAY FROM HER!" Malfoy screamed, waving his wand around in Eichmann's face. Eichmann gave him a mildly annoyed look before flicking the wand out of his face and motioning Fausta to follow after him.
> 
> "I need to speak with you a moment," he nodded and began walking down the hallway.
> 
> "DON'T RUN AWAY WITH HIM FAUSTA!! THINK OF THE HORRIBLY UGLY CHILDREN YOU'D HAVE!" Malfoy yelled down the hallway after Fausta.
> 
> "Seek help, Malfoy," Fausta sighed and followed after Professor Eichmann.
> 
> "He's taken quite a liking to you?" Eichmann grinned a bit as he and Fausta found a quiet place to talk.
> 
> "If you'd like to remain my favourite teacher, you won't bring up the subject again," Fausta frowned deeply, glaring a bit at Eichmann.
> 
> "That _would_ be a tragedy," Eichmann smiled, nodding a little.
> 
> "What did you need, Professor? I'd hate to be late for Potions class," Fausta told him, nodding absently.
> 
> "I'm sure Severus would understand," Eichmann smirked softly, then realized what he was doing and laughed a little nervously, shrugging slightly, "I forgot to tell you about the dueling competition Hogwarts will be holding closer to Christmas. I wanted to give you a heads up."
> 
> "Really?" Fausta asked, brightening visibly.
> 
> "It's not that you really need a heads up, I'm sure the competition will be scant at best," Eichmann shrugged a little.
> 
> "Naturally," Fausta smirked.
> 
> "I was simply wondering if you'd like to have some private practice sessions? I'm sure I could teach you some spells not quite sanctioned by the Ministry of Magic," Eichmann told her, watching carefully for her reaction.
> 
> "I'm sure that would be acceptable," Fausta smirked lightly and nodded a little, though she looked about as happy as anyone had probably ever seen her.
> 
> "Excellent, I'll contact you later for times and location. Take care, Fausta," Eichmann nodded in a friendly manner and walked off down the hallway. Definitely her favorite teacher.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> Fausta stepped into Potions class to see everyone already toiling over their cauldrons. She frowned lightly and moved towards her seat, hoping Snape wouldn't notice.
> 
> "_Late_, Miss Darcy?" came the ominous reprimand.
> 
> "I was speaking with Professor Eichmann, Professor Snape," Fausta mirrored Snape's tone, not even turning to look at him.
> 
> "I suggest you stay away from Professor Eichmann," Snape frowned.
> 
> "Noted and ignored," Fausta smiled pleasantly.
> 
> "While I hate to take points from my own house, there are always special exceptions to be made. Five points, and I'll ask you not to take that tone with me again, Miss Darcy," Snape frowned, obviously hating the fact that his own house was suffering because of this, "I don't suppose Miss Ackerley has a better excuse for being late? I'd rather not have to take any _more_ points, especially not on Miss Ackerley's account. She's already made up for six years of not being here."
> 
> "Astrid isn't here?" Fausta frowned a little, glancing to the seat next to her to see that, in fact, Astrid wasn't there, "I didn't think I'd live to see the day that Astrid would miss Potions class."
> 
> "Hope for the best, Fausta, maybe she's dead," Malfoy chirped from a seat near Fausta. Fausta just gave him a cold glare and began gathering ingredients for the potion the class was working on.
> 
> "I received a note from Professor Bob," Snape cringed a little at the Muggle Studies teacher's name, "saying that Astrid didn't arrive for his class either."
> 
> "Is Ron here?" Fausta asked with a shudder.
> 
> "Yes, Mr. Weasley arrived for class on time," Snape frowned a little, that seemed to be his problem with the situation,   
Well, I'm sure she's all right. No need to worry, at least we'll have a quiet potions class for once." Snape muttered and at that moment, a loud crash rang out through the classroom.
> 
> "LONGBOTTOM!" Snape screamed and was immediately off berating Neville and gleefully taking points off Gryffindor.
> 
> "What did Eichmann want?" Draco asked sourly.
> 
> **Author's Note:** Did you know that Microsoft Word changes wnat to want!? What IS that!? It doesn't fix recieves!! So what the hell!? ... what, do lots of people type wnat? If you're one of the messed up people who types wnat a lot, please, e-mail us. [slytherin@wouldilie.com][1] ... you frighteningly odd person ... wnat, what in the hell is that!? Oh, yeah, and sorry about Professor Bob. ***lol*** We couldn't think of a better name for him ... hey, here's an idea, vote on a name for the Muggle Studies Professor ... review our fic and send us your suggestions! The winner of the Name Professor Bob contest receives a pony!
> 
> **Note:** Pony may be subject to unponyness. ie, authenticity of pony may come into question. The authors of this story, however, hereby disclaim that they ever called the pony in question, a pony. You may, in fact, receive an e-mail with the word "pony" in it. Or, if you're lucky, a picture of a dog named Pony. Pnoy ... nope, doesn't fix it, just checking. ^^ We now go back to your chapter of the month ... It Tastes Like Chicken. ^^
> 
> Fausta decided to simply ignore Draco and moved, instead, across the classroom to talk to Ron. She frowned as she reached he and Harry's station and glared at him for a long moment before he actually noticed her standing there.
> 
> "Fausta, could you not look at us like that? You're making the flowers wilt ... " Ron said meekly, keeping his eyes on his work.
> 
> "Where's Astrid?" Fausta demanded, eyes narrowing.
> 
> "I don't know," Ron sighed, glancing over at Harry who was edging away from the table.
> 
> "What did you do to Astrid?" Fausta's frown deepened.
> 
> "Nothing! I haven't even seen her since lunch!" Ron frowned.
> 
> "Didn't she storm from the table at lunch?" Hermione piped up helpfully from another table.
> 
> "Thanks Hermione," Ron winced, glancing over at her with an annoyed expression.
> 
> "What did you do to Astrid?" Fausta repeated, glaring at Ron.
> 
> "Nothing! I swear, she's just odd," Ron frowned and began slicing up some rat's tail.
> 
> "Do I need to call Malfoy over here to perform another wand tracheotomy?" Fausta hissed, very serious this time.
> 
> Harry, who had actually attended the dueling class, quickly motioned for Ron to shut up before he ended up with a wand in a place you really don't want to find a wand.
> 
> "She'd better be all right, Weasley," Fausta spat and moved back towards her seat.
> 
> "Since when did you care about her?" Ron shot back at her.
> 
> "I'm not getting into that conversation," Fausta smirked a little and seated herself once again, ignoring Ron for the remainder of the class.
> 
> * * * * *
> 
> Herbology class went by without event and Fausta wished they were repotting mandrakes again so that she wouldn't have to listen to Draco's incessant whining about Professor Eichmann. The minute class ended, she ran back to the Slytherin common room to look for Astrid ... she found her in the girl's dorm inside a pillow fort.
> 
> "What are you doing, Astrid?" Fausta asked with an exasperated sigh.
> 
> Astrid eeped and leapt out of the pillow fort, sending pillows everywhere. She spun around to look at Fausta and blushed deeply, scooping up what she was working on and shoving it under her bed quickly.
> 
> "You didn't happen to notice you missed three classes today?" Fausta asked with a frown, "That's going to cost Slytherin points, and that, Astrid, is the last thing you need."
> 
> "I was working," Astrid said absently, falling back onto her bed with a frown.
> 
> "On what?" Fausta asked, moving towards Astrid's bed, trying to look underneath, only to be bopped on the head several times with a pillow.
> 
> "A potion, all right?" Astrid frowned, shooing Fausta away from her bed.
> 
> "What _kind_ of potion, Astrid?" Fausta asked with a smirk.
> 
> "That's really not the point," Astrid sniffed and stood up, walking out of the dorm room.
> 
> "Aren't you worried I could check what's under your bed?" Fausta asked, arcing a brow as she jogged out after Astrid.
> 
> "You wouldn't be able to figure it out anyway," Astrid shrugged absently.
> 
> "_Excuse me_?" Fausta demanded, eyes narrowing.
> 
> "I'll admit you're a top-notch student, Fausta. But when it comes to potions, you're sorely lacking," Astrid shrugged once again, not noticing as Fausta pulled out her wand and began debating exactly what spell to cast on Astrid.
> 
> "Do you have a death wish, Astrid?" Fausta forced a sickly sweet smile.
> 
> "I suppose I must," Astrid smiled faintly, glancing at Fausta and grinning a little, "you're such a show-off though. I already heard about your dueling class. I told you Professor Eichmann was cute."
> 
> "He's not _cute_, Astrid. He's a simply amazing teacher, and you saying anything to any other effect is simply an insult to the man," Fausta frowned deeply.
> 
> "Malfoy's got some competition?" Astrid grinned evilly, relieved the subject had been changed from the potion under her bed.
> 
> "You disgust me," Fausta muttered, watching Astrid purposely plop down into a chair Mephistophilis had been inhabiting.
> 
> "I try," Astrid smiled pleasantly.
> 
> "It shows," Fausta smirked and fell into a seat near Astrid, "in any case, you've gotten Ron worked into a nice little frenzy. Whatever did happen?"
> 
> "This really doesn't become you, Fausta," Astrid shook her head lightly.
> 
> "Curiosity?" Fausta smiled pleasantly.
> 
> "Compassion," Astrid stated flatly, shooting an evil look at Meph.
> 
> "Well, we can talk about this, or about that potion under your bed," Fausta shrugged a little, "or are they related? Going to get back at Ron?"
> 
> "Not all of us are as petty as you are, Fausta," Astrid shrugged absently.
> 
> "That hurts, Astrid. I thought we were such good friends," Fausta smirked.
> 
> "It's an Adamo potion," Astrid told her quietly.
> 
> "Did you say ... ?" Fausta asked, eyes widening a little in surprise.
> 
> "Adamo," Astrid nodded.
> 
> "You're aware those are illegal. I'm not even sure Professor Snape could put one together," Fausta frowned deeply.
> 
> "I found the recipe in his desk," Astrid shrugged absently.
> 
> "And what do you intend to do with it? You don't need to use it on Ron. He already follows you around like some little puppy dog," Fausta sneered in distaste.
> 
> "No, I don't need to use it on Ron," Astrid frowned a little, "there are those that need some more convincing."
> 
> "Who, pray tell, would that be?" Fausta asked, arcing a brow.
> 
> "I would have thought it would be obvious," Astrid looked mildly amused.
> 
> " ... Oh ... my ... GOD! That is _DISGUSTING_!" Fausta screamed at the top of her lungs and everyone stopped to give her odd looks. Astrid blushed and waved them along, shooting Fausta an annoyed look.
> 
> "I wouldn't tell anyone about this," Astrid frowned.
> 
> "And why should I be bothered by your little threat?" Fausta snorted.
> 
> "If I can make an Adomo potion, just imagine what I can slip into your drink tomorrow morning," Astrid grinned evilly, quite enjoying herself.
> 
> "Why Snape?" Fausta asked, deciding to change the subject.
> 
> "Because he's Snape. He's just ... adorable," Astrid giggled a little.
> 
> "SNAPE!?" came the yell from behind Astrid. She turned around slowly to see Ron standing there with a mop and pail in his hands, looking absolutely disgusted.
> 
> "Oh ... 'llo Ron ... we were ... practicing a scene from a play?" Astrid asked, wincing a little.
> 
> "Oh no. No no. No no no no ... NO!" Ron finally yelled, throwing down the bucket and pail and storming from the room.
> 
> "You knew he was there when you asked that, didn't you?" Astrid asked Fausta, not even turning to look at her.
> 
> "Would you expect anything less from me?" Fausta smirked.
> 
> "You disgust me," Astrid repeated Fausta's sentiment and stood, running off towards the girl's dorm.
> 
> "It's mutual then," Fausta smirked ... talking to herself like some maniacal evil genius ... oh Fausta, when will you ever learn? ^^;;
> 
> **Author's Note:** Okay, well, we wrote this like a week ago, and we stuck this author's note thing on, so obviously we had   
something relevant, and possibly humorous to say here, but we can't exactly remember exactly what that was, so you   
all get gypped. Ha.
> 
> Anyway, read the next chapter and all that, cuz it's cool. Ya, we know that already ... we're bleeding psychic, lay off   
already ... yes Fausta, I'm getting in a fight with the computer again ... it started it ... shut up ... no you shut up ... no   
you shut up ... no you ... no you ... no you ... this isn't getting us anywhere ... no you shut up! Sorry, one last one. ^^   
(The dangers of watching Sean Penn and Kevin Spacey snort crack before you decide to write ... do you have any idea   
how hard it is not to incorporate that into the story?? I know you've just been waiting for us to reveal that Astrid does,   
in fact, have a nice little stash of cocaine ... you can't prove a thing!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAH! *runs off to protect her precious,   
precious crack* Okay ... we're done now ... we'll go write chapter 5 now ... (Chapter Five: We Like Crack.) (Is this a bit   
too much?? Heh.) )
> 
> **Special Author's Note:** This is for all the Canadians ... this chapter was written, for your pleasure from our ... dun dun dun   
dun dun dun dun ... WINNEBAGO!!!!!!!!

   [1]: mailto:slytherin@wouldilie.com



	6. Stop With the Author's Notes Already

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Harry Potter and Something or Other

Chapter Five

Let's Get Physical

Author's Note:Today is a day of morning.Wait, mourning, sorry.Most days have mornings, am I right?I say most, because I'm generally not awake for mornings, so … you know.It's sort of a myth over at my house.The sun comes up.Ha.Anyway, it's a day of mourning.It's also a day of explanations.The Harry Potter world doesn't mention anything about computers, in fact, computers don't work within the walls of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.And have you ever wondered why?Because when Windows corrupts for the fifteenth time in one day, you don't want anyone capable of blowing up a small village to be using that system.If the Harry Potter world did, in fact, have computers, Bill Gates would be a bouncing white ferret by now.Let me tell you.

And as such, we have lost a substantial amount of our story.Yes, I'm sure all the fans out there were wondering what was taking us so long.Well, we had an epic.It rivaled the Iliad.(Who's taking a course in Greek mythology now?!Ha!)Really it did, it was probably one of the most fantastic pieces of literature ever compiled.But it's gone now.All twenty seven chapters we wrote are gone.

Nah, we're lying our lazy asses off.We wrote one author's note.(Yes, four months produced one author's note.)But it was a really good author's note, because we had this character named Magnificent Malificent, and she was an exchange student from America, and she was more beautiful than anything you've ever seen – in fact to look upon her, your eyes would melt from their sockets and you would spontaneously combust.And she was really smart, she made Hermione look like Curious George, you know, the monkey?And everyone was in love with her.Even McGonagall.Especially McGonagall.And she was even more powerful than Dumbledore, in fact, she killed Dumbledore.She just looked at him and her awesome power overwhelmed him, and he spontaneously combusted.(She's big in with the spontaneous combustion.)And then she killed Voldemort.Just because.It wasn't Harry's destiny to do that, J.K.Rowling is a big fat liar.It was Magnificent Malificent.And then she killed Harry.So, you see, it really was a wicked author's note.And the world is really missing something without it.

Anyway, these author's notes are getting really ridiculous, and it has, actually, been four months, so it would really be best to get to the story.Except that there's one other thing we have to rant about.In Chapter Four (Wrath of the Pickleweasel – do you feel cheated, there was no actual pickelweasel.I, for one, feel used.But that's just because I'm having Snape fantasies.BWA HA HA!!!) we mentioned … shite.Fausta just informed me that Chapter Four was 'It Tastes Like Chicken', which I now remember, because we made you poor saps lick the screen.(There's still a little bit of moisture.)Anyway, Chapter Four - whatever the hell it was called - we had a contest.The 'name Professor Bob' contest.Or was that in Chapter Three?Well shite Fausta.You could point this out before I make an arse of myself.Note how I don't delete anything in this conversation.I am the Queen of Arse.Anyway, CHAPTER THREE FOR GAWD'S SAKE JUST GET IT OVER WITH – we had the 'name Professor Bob' contest.That contest resulted from this conversation:

"So Astrid's not allowed in Dueling, eh?"

"Yeh, because of some … mishaps."

"Mishaps."

"You know Astrid."

"I wish I didn't."

"Gerrof."

"Hee hee.You're Canadian."

"I can say 'gerrof' if I wanna.I don't have to be English."

"This isn't how the conversation went."

"So I'm embellishing a little.It was pretty dry."

"None of our conversations are ever dry."

"Mwe hee hee."

"What the hell was that?"

"You know … like 'mwa ha ha', only slightly less maniacal."

"I can't believe you delineate between the two."

"Why not?"

"Back to the matter at hand?"

"Right.Astrid can't take Dueling, so what should she take?"

"Um … they're both taking Care of Magical Creatures, right?"

"MWA HA HA!"

"Much better.Arithmancy?"

" … yeh.Astrid in Arithmancy."

"Right, right.Divination?"

"She's probably barred from that too."

"How's that?"

"She got too gruesome."

"Too gruesome for Trewlaney?"

"Don't tempt me."

"Muggle Studies?"

"SWEET!She wouldn't have to do anything!Coasty coasty!"

"Coasty coasty?What, are you PaulyShore now?"

"Ah, right, screw you."

"Bu—uddy!"

"Eew."

"We need a name for the Muggle Studies Professor."

"ProfessorShore?"

"Oh Christ."

"Professor Jesus?"

"Don't do that."

"Um … should a Slytherin be taking Muggle Studies?"

*both giggle*

"Come on, we need a name."

"Professor Muggle?"

"You're an idiot."

"Fine.Screw you."

"Humph."

"Professor Eichmann?"

"We did that already."

"There could be two!! That'd be trippy!"

"I'm never asking your help on anything ever again."

"Professor Bob."

"Professor Bob?"

"Yeh.Like 'yo, whassup Professor Bob?'And Professor Bob's like 'I be down with that, mah homey!'And I'm like 'we be chillin'. And he's like – "

"STOPIT!!!!"

"Okay.Professor Schnitzle?"

"Bob, Bob, Professor Bob."

"He could have a theme song! Like – "

"AAAAAAAAAARGH!"

And thus Professor Bob was born.Of course, the name Professor Bob isn't much better than Professor Schnitzle, which I am still vying for.Shut up, Fausta, it's a rockin' name!Anyway, we had a contest, in which you could win a pony if you could give Bob Bob a better name than Bob Bob.(Or Robert Bob if you want to get formal.)Please note that the pony was subject to unponyness – DISCLAIMER DISCLAIMER COVERING OUR ASSES DISCLAIMER!!!We thought this would be a great idea.Send someone a picture of a stick pony, drawn by yours truly, Astrid, and have a few laughs.

The laughs never began. No one entered our contest.For shame.

For shame.

And now, without further ado, we proudly bring to you, Chapter Five! (whew, I thought that would never end.)

Chapter Five

Stop With the Author's Notes Already

Harry and Hermione (who are actually alive, and were not eaten by the pickelweasel, as earlier reports may have inferred) sat in the Gryffindor common room, twiddling their thumbs (and twiddling nothing else, this isn't a H/H) and waiting for Ron to return from his first night of horror in the Slytherin common room.Little did they know the atrocities Ron would be subjected to that night.

"So … " Harry glanced over at Hermione.

"So.What have you been up to?Usually the whole world revolves around you, and I haven't heard hide nor hair of your little escapades since those psychopaths arrived from Canada," Hermione returned Harry's glance, not sounding bitter at all – oh no!

"Um … nothing interesting, naturally," Harry said quite honestly, careful to tiptoe around what could be a potentially violent situation, "I hope Ron comes back soon."

"Yes, he's been quite _busy lately, hasn't he?" Hermione snapped in irritation._

"Oh, so you figured it out, eh?" Harry couldn't help but grin a little.

"Figured out that Ron's got a new best friend?Hasn't got time for us anymore?Oh yes, I've figured that out!" Hermione called, not quite as smart as she thought she was.

"Sure Hermione, sure," Harry nodded, deciding to wait until Hermione's parents decided to let her in on the phenomenon know cryptically as the 'birds and the bees'.

"NO!NO No no no no no … " Ron squealed as he appeared in the Gryffindor common room, getting progressively quieter and more desperate until his mantra was nothing more than sheepish babble.

"Don't you try to get out of this, Ronald Weasley!" Hermione said, for one reason or another assuming that Ron had heard all of her and Harry's previous conversation.

"No … no no no … NOOOOO!" Ron screamed, his vocabulary now reduced to one word.

"Astrid and Snape?" Harry asked, slightly more swift than his sidekicks.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" the screams rang throughout half the castle as Ron fell to his knees in an all-too-cliched manner, gripping at his face as he fell forward onto the ground and twitched pathetically.Most of the Gryffindors ran out to see if, in fact, Lord Voldemort had entered Hogwarts, as surely such a pathetic noise would indicate, but when they found Ron Weasley twitching on the ground, they sighed and went back to their rooms.Some wandered into the room to give the red-haired, freckled boy a kick in the head, but most disappeared quietly into their rooms.

"Sorry, suppose I shouldn't have brought it up," Harry winced, sticking a finger in his ear, wondering if, perhaps, his eardrums had been shattered.

"What's all this about, then?" Hermione piped up, ever naïve.

"I was in the room, and the green, and the silver, and the people, they didn't like me, and the throwing things, and the OW! And then she said, and I heard, but she didn't know I heard, but the other did, and she didn't say, but I heard anyway, and I screamed and NOOO! And she lied and then the guy and the thing and NOOOOOO!!!" Ron popped his head up long enough to unintelligibly scream before flopping about on the ground again like some kind of salmon.

"Yes.That made a whole lot of sense.Is the Slytherin common room an opium den?" Harry asked, glancing over to Hermione, who was just standing there staring at Ron in a dumbfounded manner, as if she couldn't tell whether she should kick him in the head or … punch him in the head.

"He's been bewitched!" Hermione finally yelled, the only reasonable answer she could possibly come up with.

"Astrid Ackerley likes Professor Snape," Harry told Hermione very slowly.This didn't seem to register.

"Ron Weasley likes Astrid Ackerley," Harry said.Nothing.So he added, "that's why Ron's robes are always backwards."Slowly.Very slowly.Her eyes widened.Her mouth dropped open.And she kicked Ron in the head.

*****

"So, when are you going to ask Malfoy to the ball?" Astrid asked pleasantly as she began building a little fortress out of her scrambled eggs for Severus (the rat), who still managed to find himself a seat at the Slytherin table, despite numerous complaints.

"Astrid, sod off," Fasuta hissed through clenched teeth.This was not the first time Astrid had asked.This was not even the fifteenth time Astrid had asked.This was probably closer to the sixty eighth time Astrid had asked.Only approximately.

"You'll have to ask him soon, because you'll want his robes and your dress to match, so then when you're making out on the dance floor, you both kind of melt together into this one big making-out-blob!That's _so romantic!" Astrid swooned._

"Who are _you taking to the ball, Astrid?" Fausta asked, naturally referring to the Iuvenesco Ball, even though we haven't mentioned it for quite some time._

"Oh, Severus, naturally.He's been trying to ask me all morning, haven't you noticed him looking at me _all morning?Those black eyes __smoldering with desire, his whole body __aching with – "_

"For God's sake, I'm trying to eat!" Fausta spat, taking a stab at Severus with her fork.

"It's going to be lovely, really, I mean, I'm making my own dress, and I'm going to make this fantastic little bow tie that Severus can wear, and we're just going to burn up the dance floor, I mean, can you imagine the moves he's got?" Astrid mooned, if this were an anime, her eyes would be giant hearts beating out of her skull.

"Supposing 'dear Severus' doesn't ask you?Will you take pity on the Weasley?" Fausta refused to acknowledge Ron as anything above a mold.

"The who?Oh!Ronny!Sure, yeah, I've got two hands, haven't I?" Astrid said, not meaning what I'm sure you think she means.

"That's it, I'm never going to eat again," Fausta shook her head and shoved her plate away, storming from the table just as Malfoy sat across from her.

"Well bloody great, what have I done _this time?!" Malfoy yelled after Fausta._

"You haven't asked her to the ball yet, you silly sod, it's breaking her poor little heart!Be a man! … You are a man, aren't you?" Astrid asked curiously, ducking under the table as if to check whether Malfoy was a man or not.

"AAAAH! BLOODY ACKERLEY!" Malfoy screamed, beet red, and ran from the hall at an amazing pace.

"So it's still up for debate, then?" Astrid asked, appearing from beneath the table before shrugging and picking at Severus' egg fortress.

*****

"Her?" Hermione asked, pointing to Astrid as Draco ran past and Astrid began fighting with her rat for a piece of scrambled egg.

"I've been saying that for the past week," Harry sighed, not even turning around to see Astrid growling at Severus.

"Her?" Hermione asked again, unbelieving, flinching as Astrid grabbed a sausage and began beating Severus about the head with it, somehow ignoring the tremendous pile of scrambled eggs right next to her.

"Have I gone bloody invisible?" Harry demanded, looking around quickly, "oh please, I've just rescued this school from impending doom, what, _seven times now!Please, ignore the boy with the scar, whose destiny it is to destroy He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named!Really, that must be part of the prophecy too!"_

"What's he on about?" Ron asked, the first semi-intelligent thing he had said in a very long time.

"Who knows," Hermione shook her head," so, her?"

"AAAH!" Ron screamed and flopped under the table, curling into a little ball as, conveniently, Snape walked past the table.

"Weasley, what's wrong with you this time?" Snape asked, peering under the table curiously, showing a rare bit of compassion, as he seemed to understand Ron's woe – they were both being stalked by Astrid after all.

"Nothing sir, this is really more your problem," Harry couldn't help but grin ominously.

Snape just gave him a weary look and dashed towards the teacher's table before Astrid could get a hold of him.He dove under the table, where Minerva handed him a plate of bacon, as it had become his usual seat.

"Why _Snape?Why not … Harry.I could deal with that.Blimey, I could deal with it if she had a crush on Dumbledore, but __Snape, he's like my bleeding mortal enemy!" Ron yelled from under the table._

"_Who's mortal enemy?!" Harry demanded, sticking his head under the table at Ron._

"Right, sorry, forgot all that business," Ron shrugged a little.

"Right," Harry nodded, sitting back up.

"But, I mean, he's still a prick, eh?" Ron asked, sliding back into his seat to nods from Hermione and Harry.

"Orange juice," came the peep from under the teacher's table, and a sallow hand popped up and waved about until Minerva jammed a glass of orange juice into it and it disappeared.Sputtering followed.

"No pulp, you silly bint!" the peep was a little louder this time as the orange juice reappeared.This was followed by several sharp shrieks.

"Sorry Severus, my foot slipped," Minerva said, voice swimming in self-satisfaction as she handed the oily little man another orange juice – no pulp.

"Hmph," he huffed, "it's WARM!" he yelled and held it up again.More shrieks.

"Muscle spasm," Minerva assured him before handing him his third glass of orange juice, "how is it?"

"Yummy," Snape whimpered, and crawled off towards Flitwick's chair.

*****

"No." Snape stated flatly, shaking his head as he looked around at the other teachers at the staff meeting.

"Severus, we're short of teachers as it is, if a student doesn't have a chaperone, they can't come to the ball," Minerva explained, though none-too-delicately; she was still enjoying the fact that Severus sported several high-heel shaped bruises.

"No, because I'm going to pull Ackerley's name.It's going to happen, and you know it just as well as I do," Snape snapped, looking almost afraid for his life.

"Don't be stupid Severus, there are a dozen names in the hat, the chances of pulling Ackerley's name are slim.Look, I'll shove her paper to the bottom for you, now the odds are astronomical!" Minerva said, pulling out Astrid's name and shoving it to the bottom of the hat.Snape watched her suspiciously before putting his hand out towards the hat … but it hovered several centimetres above, as if he were frightened that Ackerley's name might be attracted to him somehow, like the leech of a girl that was Astrid herself.

"Oh Christ, just hurry up and pick, we've got other things to do!" Professor Bob called violently, waving his little fist about in the air menacingly.

Snape shot him an evil look and made plans to spike Bob's orange juice later, but for now, he carefully took a name from the top of the hat and held it in his hand, dreading what it might say.The Iuvensco Ball was a time of celebration and family, but some unlucky students found themselves without chaperones – family members of some kind who could make their way to Hogwarts for a weekend of celebration.In these cases, the teachers drew lots to decide chaperones, because without them, the students couldn't participate in the many planned events.And Astrid had conveniently forgotten to tell her parents, or her parents had conveniently forgotten to RSVP, or something of some convenience, because Astrid's name was in that lot, and Snape had the sinking feeling Astrid's name was now in his hand.

"Longbottom, Longbottom, Longbottom, Longbottom," Snape chanted over and over as he carefully unfolded the piece of paper, as it was no exaggeration that he'd rather dance with Neville Longbottom than with Astrid Ackerley.He was quite sure he wouldn't have to be worried about where Neville's hands would be while they danced.He closed his eyes and pulled the folded piece of paper open, opening his eyes in a flash to see his doom spelled out in fourteen letters.

Astrid Ackerley

****

" …

….

….

….

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Snape screamed and ran from the room, his arms waving about in the air madly.

The other teachers exchanged glances for a brief moment before McGonagall dropped the hat and the room was filled with uproarious laughter.

"Okay.Let's get the real hat now," McGonagall said as a wave of papers with 'Astrid Ackerley' written on them floated to the ground, the hat following close behind.

*****

"Hey Fausta," Draco said, in what might have been an attempt to be smooth, but came out as more of a choaked squeal.

Fausta simply glared at him out of the corner of her eyes as Astrid bounced on a desk next to them, sure she knew what was coming next.

"Um … " Draco said before wimping out and running, surprisingly, over to Astrid, "what the hell am I supposed to say?!" he demanded, glaring at her as if this were all her bright idea.

"I told you!You wiggle your eyebrows and say 'How you doin'?'Girls think that's sexy," Astrid nodded authoritatively.

"You like Snape.What the hell do you know about sexy?" Draco demanded.

"Fine, do it your way.Get laughed at, I'd enjoy that much more anyway.You know what girls think is _really sexy?When boys where their underwear on the outside," Astrid grinned mischievously._

"ASTRID!He'll make an ass of himself just fine without your help," Fausta hissed across the Potions class; Snape was apparently still getting over the distress of picking Astrid – he was twenty minutes late.Later some boys would say they heard crying coming from the teacher's washroom, but no one could confirm this rumor.

"Hey!I think I'm insulted!" Draco yelled back and glared at Astrid, "some help you turned out to be."

"What did you expect?" Astrid asked absently as she picked up Severus, still playing with a little piece of scrambled egg, and began fighting with him once again.

"I am the man.She wants me.In the zone.Calling upon all my masculine charm.I am the man.I am the sex GOD!" Draco chanted under his breath as he walked towards Fausta.

"THE SEX GOD?" Astrid called, making sure the entire room could hear.With that, Draco turned neon red and ran from the room as well, presumably to become the second Slytherin Astrid would have crying that day.

"THANKS ASTRID!HE WAS GOING TO ASK ME!" Fausta yelled in a very rare outburst as she leapt from her desk and ran after Draco.

"I know what I'm doing," Astrid assured her rat, who looked at her skeptically before offering her the piece of scrambled egg out of pity.

*****

"I didn't say that," Draco said lamely as Fausta caught up with him in the hallway.

"What _did you say?" Fausta asked skeptically._

"Um … I am … the … sex … god … damn … " Draco scrambled, but didn't seem to be coming up with anything.

"Oh." Fausta nodded absently, glancing back towards the potion class.

"Yeah." Draco nodded, watching Fausta, who turned to look back at him.This would naturally be the cliched moment in which they both blush, laugh and start dating, but Fausta is never one for cliches.

"WELL ARE YOU GOING TO BLOODY ASK ME OR NOT?!" she demanded as Draco half-fulfilled his part by blushing with mortification.

"Um … come … dance … me … " Draco mumbled, barely intelligible.

"No." Fausta said coolly and walked back into the Potions classroom, quite pleased at having the upper hand.

"I hate women," Draco grumbled.

"Me too," Snape agreed dejectedly, appearing in the hallway next to Draco, who nearly jumped out of his skin.

"Professor Snape?" Draco asked, watching the older man with curiosity.

"Run, Draco.Run while you still can," Snape shook his head, his eyes hollow and desperate.With that, he trudged into the classroom, leaving Draco to ponder his words.

"You said no?" Astrid asked unbelievably, obviously having been eavesdropping, "you probably shattered his poor little ego, he might run off and join the circus now, nothing left for him in the wizarding world."

"Where do you come up with this garbage?" Fausta demanded, watching Astrid with wide eyes.

"I dunno.Just seemed a little more realistic than him maybe turning around and going to the dance with Pansy Parkinson or something," Astrid shrugged pleasantly as all colour drained from Fausta's face.

"DRACO MALFOY YOU WILL GET BACK IN HERE AND YOU WILL TAKE ME TO THAT BALL OR I SWEAR YOU WILL REGRET THE DAY YOU WERE BORN!" Fausta screeched at the top of her lungs as Draco arrived in the room, following Snape, who was already being assaulted by Astrid.

"I AM the sex God!!!!" Draco yelled triumphantly, causing Fausta to turn beet red and wonder if she really did want to go to the dance with Draco.

"You didn't run fast enough," Snape shook his head sadly as Astrid snuggled him, gazing up at him lovingly.

"So Severus, about that ball … " Astrid began, looking suggestively up at Snape, who gave Draco a panicked look and once again, began searching the room for available exits.

*****

"So, has she asked you to the ball yet?" Harry asked, staring between Ron who was about as enthusiastic as mold about the whole idea of the ball, and Hermione, who was still shocked and disgusted at the very idea of Ron liking Astrid, who liked Snape.Harry was seriously beginning to debate seeking out new friends, roadkill and a vulture had more personality than these two.

"Who?" Ron asked sullenly, proving once again that it takes a special kind of person to find Astrid Ackerley attractive.

"Astrid," Harry ventured, knowing this would probably get Ron wailing again, but deciding it was better than Ron sitting there like some sorry lump.

"Astrid?" Ron asked, just as sullenly – maybe he had blocked her out.

"That girl.The one who … " Harry trailed off, he didn't really want to explain the relationship Ron and Astrid had, as it made him a little queasy, "who likes Snape." He finally decided upon, not really any less disturbing.

"Oh," Ron sighed dejectedly, "yes.Astrid." He let out another pitiful sigh.

"No, then?" Harry asked, staring at his wand and debating whether to drive it into his skull.

"Oh, no," Ron shook his head and waited a few moments before deciding that another pathetic noise was necessary.

"Are you going to ask her?" Harry asked through gritted teeth.

"Ask who?" Ron blinked.

"Astrid." Harry clenched his wand between his fingers.

"Ask Astrid what?" Ron asked, such an attentive friend.

"ASK ASTRID TO THE BLOODY BALL!" Harry yelled, knuckles white, sure he was going to have splinters once this conversation was done.

"Okay," Ron sighed and got up, wandering off to, presumably, look for Astrid, as Harry fell backwards onto the ground and crawled back to the Gryffindor common room, wishing he had been just a little bit nicer to Draco Malfoy that first time they met.

*****

Hollow black eyes bore into a stone wall, and anyone watching would surely think him mad.But once the words 'pure-blood' were spoken, the wall moved away and one found themselves within the depths of evil.Or the Slytherin common room, whichever you prefer, really.That was, of course, assuming that one wanted the wall to move away to reveal the centre of Slytherin society.And this individual most certainly did not.He sighed slightly and let his eyes fall to his feet, which he shuffled uncomfortably as he tried to decide the best way to get this over with quickly and painlessly.Of course, with Astrid Ackerley, there really was no quick and painless way about anything.

"I could always just go join Voldemort again," Snape considered, rolling up his sleeve to glance at his Dark Mark.It was somehow less ominous than Astrid's grinning face.Voldemort was a distant power, he could easily be ignored.Astrid, however, was terrifyingly in his face.Literally.

"I wish Fluffy were still here.I'm sure he and Astrid would get along well," Snape mumbled before leaning up against the door to the Slytherin common room, "ah Fluff-aaaah!" Snape screamed as he fell backwards into the Slytherin common room to find himself staring up at Astrid.

"Why, Professor Snape, are you trying to get a peek up my robes?" Astrid asked, about to take a step forward as if to help him out a little in that respect, when he flew up to his feet, faster than anyone had ever seen him move.

"That's not funny, Ackerley," Snape hissed, glaring at the young woman.

"I wasn't joking," Astrid said, looking down at the ground as she played absently with the bottom of her long black robes.

"Never mind … I must have a word with you, Miss Ackerley," Snape said, then seeing the look Astrid was giving him, as if all her hopes and dreams were about to realized, he added, "or rather, I'm being forced to.This way, please." He said and motioned her out into the hallway while other Slytherin's watched on with pity.

Astrid skipped out into the hallway, obviously quite ecstatic, and stared up at Snape, eyes wide and hopeful.

"Yes, Professor Snape?" she breathed, practically salivating.

Snape took another quick glance at his Dark Mark before beginning, "Well, Ackerley, as you know, the Iuvenesco Ball is coming up and unfortunately your parents have decided not to attend, and unfortunately you need a chaperone and MOST unfortunately, by some sick twist of fate, that chaperone is … er … " Snape couldn't even bring himself to finish.

"Yes?Yes, Professor Snape?" Astrid squealed, her hands clasped together in joy.

"Don't make me say it," he winced, looking quite ill.

"Oh, but Severus, dear, we have to make it official!You have to ask me properly!" Astrid squealed again, her voice so high-pitched with glee it could have cracked glass.

"I have to go drown myself now," Snape muttered and turned around quickly, wandering off down the hallway as Astrid skipped gleefully after him, chanting in a singsong voice 'He loves me! He loves me! We're going to have ten thousand tiny pink babies!'

*****

"We're only going to go through this one more time," Fausta said, highly irritated that Malfoy wasn't paying attention, "taking me to the ball is an incredible privilege, and I want you to realize that." Malfoy, however, didn't seem to see it that way.Quite the opposite, really, he thought that HE was doing FAUSTA a service.

"Fausta, really, you're not even paying attention to MY rules of conduct," Malfoy sniffed, the two hardly paying any attention to each other, they were much too absorbed in what they, themselves, were saying.

"You will address me as Miss Darcy, you will not speak unless spoken to, and even then, sparingly.I will do the majority of the talking for the both of us, because you've done quite a job of making an idiot of yourself, and I don't need you dragging me down with you.Eating will not be permitted, I won't let you ruin your robes and my dress; I've seen you eat.And dancing itself has a completely different set of rules, with subsets of rules pertaining to the placement of hands, positioning on the dance floor … " Fausta didn't seem to feel any need to shut up.

"My parents will be there, so naturally you'll be expected to be on your best behaviour, and if that Ackerley girl comes around, you will denounce knowing her AT ALL, she is some kind of magical mishap, once a troll or a mold or something, I don't really care.Just don't speak with her.Naturally, there are very few people that are acceptable to be seen with, you may stand next to Professor Snape, my parents, your parents and … well, that's all.If anyone else gets within ten feet of you, they will find themselves burping up slugs. Also … " Malfoy continued on a similar train of thought with no end in sight.

"Of course, my brother will be there and - " Fausta was cut off by a rather girlish scream on Malfoy's part.

"DAMION DARCY IS COMING?!" Draco demanded, turning a ghostly white.

"Naturally," Fausta said coolly, "my parents are far too busy with important business to amuse themselves with silly little balls." She snorted, ever the condescending little witch.

"But … b-but … but … but but … " Draco squeaked, practically crying now.

"Oh, don't be silly, Damion isn't allowed to turn anyone into cockroach's anymore.The Wizard's Council wasn't very impressed with that little mess," Fausta smirked.

"What about ferrets?" Draco asked with a wince.He had a history with ferrets.

"Where's your sense of adventure?" Fausta grinned maliciously.

"Must've misplaced it," Draco said lamely, debating just hiding under his bed until the ball was over.

"Don't worry Draco, I'll protect you," Fausta smirked.

All Draco could do was whimper.

*****

"So Astrid," Ron attempted as Astrid walked down the aisle of desks in Potions class after Snape.

"Hmm?" Astrid asked absently, following a foot behind Snape, bumping into him whenever he stopped to curses and yells to go back to her desk.

"Are you going to the ball?" Ron asked, not noticing Snape shudder at even a mention of the ball.

"Of course," Astrid swooned, latching onto Snape, "Severus asked me to go with him!"

"I DID NO SUCH THING!" Snape screamed and shoved Astrid off of him, running towards his office and locking himself in.

"He's playing hard to get again," Astrid swooned, "he's so dreamy!" Astrid added, suddenly forgetting all about Ron and his feelings.

"Oh, er," Ron said, not really sure how to take this, "did you want to go with me?"

"Go where?" Astrid blinked as she wandered up to Snape's office door and began tapping on it with her wand.

"To the ball," Ron said awkwardly, wandering after her, wishing he could get her attention for more than two seconds.

"Yes, I'm going to the ball," Astrid nodded, tapping the door one final time before it caved in on itself to reveal Snape trying to crawl out a window.

"No, did you want to go to the ball with _me?" Ron asked, watching Astrid skip over to Snape, who sighed and pulled himself out of the window in defeat._

"Severus, be careful!You'll hurt yourself!I wouldn't want you to mar your beautiful face!" Astrid squealed, then glanced over her shoulder at Ron, "hmm?Sorry, can't.Going with Severus.You understand."

"Dear God, go with the boy!" Snape yelled, shoving Astrid towards Ron.Astrid just giggled.

"You're so giving, you only want my happiness, don't you?" she sighed and latched onto Snape once again.

"Ackerley, a miracle of nature has occurred and someone actually wants to go to the ball with you.I encourage you to seize this opportunity, as one like this may never come along again," Snape told her icily, eyes narrowed at Astrid.

"Hmm, what was that?Sorry, I was lost in your eyes," Astrid told him as Ron watched on in disgust.That was about as much as he could take though, and he quickly vacated the scene, not really wanting to know what this might lead to.

"This is blatant harassment," Snape told her flatly, but Astrid was too busy snuggling Snape to hear anything he was saying.

*****

Two dresses lay spread out on Fausta's bed, and she looked between both, a considering look on her face.Both were black.Both were long.The only real difference was the flared sleeves on one dress.But, of course, such matters of style demanded intense consideration.

"I like this colour better," Fausta murmured, picking up one of the dresses, naturally Fausta could see the minute shade difference.She was, after all, Fausta Darcy.

"But the sleeves on this one," she considered aloud, tossing one dress aside and picking up the other one, "I just don't know." She sighed softly.It was hard being such a role model.Fausta continued her close scrutiny of two nearly identical dresses until the most horrible sight she had ever seen came skipping into the room.Fausta screamed at the top of her lungs and flung herself down to the ground to crawl under her bed, sure that the apocalypse was upon them, or some other such disaster.But no, it was only Astrid.

"Do you like it?I made it myself!" Astrid beamed with pride as she spun around in the Frankenstein of dresses.Fifteen different colours of blindingly bright plaid had been stitched together using some kind of crude yarn.Gigantic bows of hideous colours adorned the dress in every place they would fit.Astrid had fixed two of these bows around her pigtails and now bounded around the room in an outfit that would bring a clown to shame.And this was ignoring the shape of it, which seemed to balloon around her shoulders and waist, one could scarcely imagine how she managed that.And as if that wasn't enough, everything was fringed with a God-awful lace.She was truly a sight to behold.

"I CAN TELL!MY BLOODY EYES!!!" Fausta screamed, rarely one to spaz, but she always made special exceptions for Astrid.

"Isn't it pretty?I made a matching bowtie for Severus!" Astrid squealed and continued to bounce around the room, waving a bow-tie of similarly disturbing proportions.

"Oh my, I can't wait to see him in that," Fausta smirked, suddenly quite intrigued at the prospect.

"Don't you get any ideas," Astrid glared at Fausta, a dark cloud passing over her sunny demeanour, before she started bouncing around the room again, giggling like an idiot, presumably thinking about Severus in his new bowtie.

"You have nothing to worry about," Fausta assured Astrid, "well, this is assuming that Professor Snape doesn't have his wand when you try and put that ghastly thing on him."

"Ghastly?" Astrid looked almost hurt.Almost.

"Which dress would you wear, Astrid?" Fausta quickly changed the subject, motioning to the two dresses she was trying to decide between.

"I wouldn't be caught dead in either," Astrid shrugged pleasantly.

"Thank God," Fausta nodded and decided that both were completely acceptable.

"But if I had to choose, that one," Astrid said, pointing to one at random.

"Excellent," Fausta said and, inevitably, chose the other dress.

"You're incredible," Astrid shook her head.

"I know," Fausta said with a very rare pleasant smile.

"So we're having the welcome banquet tonight, eh?" Astrid said, flopping down onto her bed as Fausta waved her wand and a little blurry screen appeared around her so she could change.

"A keen observation," Fausta snorted.

"Are your parents coming?" Astrid asked curiously.

"No, my parents are far too important for these piddling little social gatherings," Fausta told Astrid, her tone even more condescending than usual.

"Darn.I was looking forward to meeting them," Astrid sighed, "It would really help in determining whether this attitude of yours is some kind of genetic defect or what."

"You'd know about genetic defects, wouldn't you?How is Ron anyway?" Fausta smirked, "that bowtie is really more his style than Snape's.I mean, Ron must be blind if he's hanging around with you, mustn't he?"

"So, is that stick up your arse a family heirloom, or what?Too bad I can't ask your parents," Astrid smiled pleasantly, "they're probably too busy appearing on 'The Antique's Roadshow' for the fifth time.Pressing business, you know."

"To say nothing of the Ackerley clan, who are probably going to cousin Billy Bob and cousin Amy Jo's wedding," Fausta snarled.

"That was last month!" Astrid protested, causing Fausta to drain of colour and stare at Astrid, "Didn't think I'd get _you on that one." Astrid shook her head and with that, turned and departed._

"Yeah, well … NUTS TO YOU!" Fausta yelled after Astrid, grumbling to herself as she pulled on one of the black dresses, unable to remember which one Astrid had hated more, but it didn't really matter.They were both black dresses after all ...

*****

"I can't believe she blew you off for Snape," Hermione said none-too-delicately, almost revelling in Ron's squirming at any mention of Snape's name.

"Yes, well, that's how it goes," Ron laughed lamely before picking up his wand and pointing it at his head.Luckily, Harry snatched it away in time, and Ron only blew a rather sizeable hole through a chair in the Gryffindor common room.

"Oh yes, that's really going to help things," Hermione snorted, "though I suppose with a hole in your head, you and Ackerley might have a little more in common."

"What is everyone's problem with Astrid?!" Ron demanded, glaring at his two 'best friends'.

"She's nuts," Hermione said bluntly.

"She really is off her nut," Harry helpfully backed Hermione up, receiving an annoyed look from Ron for his efforts.

"She's volatile," Hermione added.

"You have to admit, it's only a matter of time before she cracks and kills us all," Harry nodded thoughtfully.

"She likes Snape, that in itself is just evidence of a whole _slew of new problems," Hermione shook her head._

"Snape is quite the prick," Harry nodded.

"Not to mention that she's treating you pretty awfully," Hermione nodded.

"Of course, Ron, you're a pretty big idiot, so you probably deserve it," Harry pointed out and barely dodged Ron's fist, "and you're touchy."

"What kind of _friends are you?!The love of my life has rejected me!I don't know how much longer I can go on!" Ron yelled violently._

"Actually Ron, all you two did was make out," Harry said, making another superb point.

"Yes, well, it was very nice and I miss making out," Ron pouted, crossing his arms over his chest.

"You disgust me," Hermione made a face.

"Do you want to kiss me?" Ron asked hopefully, pretty desperate right now.

"GOR!!! NO!!!" Hermione yelled, and with that, stormed out of the room.

"That was intelligent," Harry snorted and smacked Ron upside the head before following after Hermione.

"I miss Astrid," Ron pouted, rubbing at his head.

*****

"You look nice," Draco squeaked, whipping around quickly to make sure Fausta's older brother wasn't around and had heard him say any of that, "but I mean that in a completely plutonic way!" he added, just in case.

"You're an idiot," Fausta stated flatly.

"I'd rather be a live idiot than a dead ... " Draco searched for the word.

"Idiot?" Fausta offered helpfully.

"Thanks," Draco told her sarcastically.The evening was already going splendidly as far as both were concerned.Really.I'm not being sarcastic here.

"No problem, Malfoy," Fausta smirked, "don't even think of embarrassing me." She said offhandedly, causing Draco to do a bit of a double-take.

"Embarrass _you?I'm more worried about that stupid friend of yours making a fool of us," Draco hissed._

"I'm not joking, Draco," Fausta said, suddenly grabbing the collar of Draco's dress robes and pulling him close to her, her eyes blazing, "if you should act in a manner that displeases me, you shall find yourself in a rather uncomfortable position.Shall I elaborate?"

"Please don't," Draco squeaked, letting out a sigh of relief as Fausta released him.

"Excellent," she smiled, "we'll have you trained yet."

"_Trained?!" Draco demanded._

"You're displeasing me," Fausta warned.

"Sorry, Miss Darcy, ma'am," Draco said, quickly offering his arm to Fausta so that the two could make their way down to the banquet to greet their families.

*****

The banquet was in full swing, a band of goblins played in the background, but the evening's entertainment was clearly found elsewhere.Severus Snape sat mortified, tugging at the awful little bowtie that Astrid had managed to clamp on his neck and had conveniently enchanted to remain on his neck until she saw fit to take it off.Snickers followed him the entire evening, and he had a list of students to clean the potions lab at least a mile long.

"Look on the bright side, Ron, that could be you," Hermione said cheerfully, watching Snape as he picked up a fork and began stabbing uselessly at the bowtie.

"Yeah," Ron said dejectedly, almost as if he _did wish it were him.Which was quite incredible considering that Snape had, by that time, given up on the fork and was now trying to saw through the thing with a steak knife._

"Ron, come on, your parents are going to be here soon," Harry said, as if this were the kind of comment that would cheer Ron up.He wasn't really all there though, he was quite busy watching Snape as he now debated just jamming the steak knife into his jugular.

"Yeah," Ron said again, he was a barrel of laughs that evening.

"Honestly, what would your parents think if they knew you were dating a Slytherin?!" Hermione demanded, shaking her head, "and not any ordinary Slytherin!Astrid ACKERLEY!"

"Yeah," Ron nodded a bit, it swiftly became obvious that he wasn't even listening to them at all.He was watching Astrid as she swooned over Snape and fussed with the bowtie he was so set on destroying.He now had one of the candles in his hand and was trying to torch the bowtie.

"Ron, would you like to have wild monkey sex with Snape?" Harry asked, deciding to test the above theory.

"Yeah," Ron nodded absently.

"I wonder if Astrid would think that a turn on," Harry considered before wandering over to talk to her.

"Ron, honestly," Hermione sighed, "Harry is about to talk to Astrid about you having mad sex with Snape.So if you wouldn't mind snapping out of this blue funk for a moment ... "

"I didn't have sex with Snape," Ron said, blinking slightly as he watched Harry talk curiously with Astrid, who just grinned insanely and began nodding.She then looked at Ron and gave him the thumbs up, ever grinning like an idiot as she winked at him.

"If that's not a reason to run far, far away, I don't know what is," Hermione said, looking rather queasy.

"She seemed to like that idea quite a lot," Harry blinked, emotionally scarred, as he approached the table.Apparently Snape had heard him, because Snape was getting ready to start throwing steak knives at Ron.

"Mr. Weasley, I would thank you _not to make advances on me!Ackerley here is more than I can handle," Snape yelled across the hall and it went absolutely silent for a few minutes as everyone turned to look at Ron.Harry and Hermione ducked under the table as Ron glanced around blankly before the hall practically exploded with laughter._

"What's this all about?" Ron asked and sighed before resuming mooning over Astrid.

*****

The welcome feast was soon underway as the students' family members arrived.Naturally Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy made a dramatic entry halfway through the first course.Fashionably late, of course.

"Mother," Draco nodded genially, "father." Another nod.Fausta smirked.

"Draco," Lucius sounded more than slightly annoyed to be there.Naturally he had other, more important things to do, but Draco _was his only son._

"This," Draco said when Fausta had reminded him to introduce her by elbowing him not-too-subtly in the stomach, "is Fausta Darcy."

"Charmed," Fausta smirked, glancing between Draco's parents.

"So good to see you again, Fausta," Narcissa said vaguely, her eyes anywhere but on Fausta.

"Someone must apologize for pulling you away from other matters for this trifle, and since it seems that Draco has no intention of doing this, I suppose I'll have to," Fausta sighed, looking apologetically at the Malfoy's.

"We've come to expect such ineptitudes from Draco," Lucius commented offhandedly, his eyes also on the feast around them, as if trying to decide who would make acceptable company and coming up short.Very short.

"Father!" Draco protested, his cheeks flushing lightly.

"Don't be a child, Draco," Fausta snapped and received an approving look from Narcissa.

"Fausta!" Draco whined, but stopped when he received an icy glare from all three of them.

"Who's that?" was yelled across the hall, and the source could only be Astrid.

"Oh no," Draco went pale.

"That's Draco's mum and dad," someone answered her from the Gryffindor table.

"HEY DRACO!" Astrid yelled, "YOUR DAD'S HOT!" she gave him the thumbs up and stuck her tongue out in approval before being yanked down into her seat by Snape, who continued to look absolutely mortified.

"What was _that?!" Lucius demanded, his eyes wide._

"Er ... we're not really sure ... it just showed up one day and no one can seem to get it to leave," Draco grumbled, glaring over at Astrid, who had dragged Snape over to the Gryffindor table, getting a little tired of the constant barrage of English muffins at the Slytherin table.Naturally, Snape was screaming and moaning and putting up quite a fight, but Astrid didn't seem to notice.

"Some kind of infectious mould, I would expect," Fausta smiled pleasantly before motioning towards the table, "please, Mr. Malfoy, Mrs. Malfoy, make yourselves at home.I understand the surroundings are vile at best, but I suppose we had best tolerate them for Professor Dumbledore's sake."

"Excellent, Fausta," Lucius smiled, "Draco!Why didn't you offer us a seat?!" Lucius snapped, glaring at his son.Draco stopped shooting daggers at Astrid long enough to give his father a shocked look.

"Must be those fellows he's always hanging around with, I'm sure he couldn't have picked up such appalling manners from _you, Mrs. Malfoy," Fausta smiled at Narcissa before glaring at Draco herself._

"EY!" Draco protested.

"Sit down and hush up," Lucius glared at his son.

"I begin to get the impression that you two are more fond of Fausta than of me," Draco glared at his parents but found a seat anyway and settled down to listen to an evening of Fausta and his parents talking about his faults.

*****

Half way through the main course, everyone was quite sure that no more guests were coming, and Draco was quite relieved, as he assumed Damion Darcy wouldn't be making an appearance.

"I'm sorry to say it appears as though your brother has been tied up in other matters," Draco smirked, glancing over at Fausta before a dark shadow fell over him, spelling out his doom.

"I knew that would happen," Draco said dejectedly and ducked under the table, only to have the back of his dress robes grabbed and then find himself hanging in the air, a very angry Damion Darcy glaring at him.

" 'llo Damion," Draco managed to chock, tugging at the collar of his dress robes.

"If it isn't my favourite Malfoy," Damion grinned sadistically, "you wouldn't be trying to get away from me, now would you, Draco?"

"No, no, wouldn't think of it!I was just going under the table to ... ehm ... shine your shoes," Draco said lamely before finding himself on the ground, staring at Damion's shoes.

"That's sweet of you, Draco," Damion smirked, giving him a not-so-nice little nudge in the face with his foot.With this, Fausta sighed, deciding Draco had had enough and stood to glare at her brother.

"Damion, honestly, I can't take you anywhere," she spoke to him in very much the same way she spoke to Draco, "let him up, he's already just about swallowed his tongue in fear."

"But we were having fun," Damion grinned at his baby sister in typical bully fashion.

"Yes!Fun!" Draco squeaked from the floor.

"Draco, get up," Fausta sighed, grabbing the back of his dress robes and yanking him up.

"Make yourself scarce, Malfoy," Damion hissed, giving him a shove.

"Damion, I'm sure mother and father would simply _love to hear about this behaviour," Fausta mirrored her brother's smirk._

"You can't tell me you _want that little rat here!" Damion called in disbelief._

"Draco is - "

"Just leaving!" Draco eeped and scurried off before anyone else could grab onto his collar.

"DRACO!" Fausta yelled, then turned to her brother, "DAMION!"

"What?!" Damion huffed and found himself a seat, digging into the food as if nothing had happened.

"Draco was my _date," Fausta hissed._

"Your ... _what?" Damion demanded, looking up at Fausta in a clichéd, over-protective older brother sort of way._

"Oh, don't be an idiot, Damion," Fausta grumbled and sat back down as Damion ran off after Draco, who luckily had a head start.Mr. and Mrs. Malfoy found themselves back at the table and glanced around quickly.

"Where's Draco gotten himself to now?" Lucius grumbled, hoping his son wasn't doing anything _too stupid._

"You just never know with Draco," Fausta said pleasantly, "did you enjoy your chat with Professor Snape?"

"Yes ... although that ghastly girl with him was ... " Lucius glanced to Narcissa, searching for the right words, "does she have an eye twitch?I could have sworn she kept winking at me ... "

*****

"Ackerley and now Weasley," one Slytherin girl shook her head, "if _I were Professor Snape, I'd just ram a fork into my forehead and be done with it."_

"I thought Weasley fancied Ackerley," a Ravenclaw said, it seemed the same conversation was going on at several tables.

"Maybe it's some kind of weird revenge," a Hufflepuff suggested, making a face.

"Maybe Weasley's just snapped," was a Gryffindor's contribution to the conversation.

"Maybe Ackerley's convinced them to have a threesome," Astrid whispered conspiratorially, but everyone stopped talking at this and just glared at Astrid, "or maybe not." She pouted and found her way back to her seat.

"Severus?" Astrid asked as she found her way back to her seat, sighing slightly.

"Dear God, what?" Snape asked dejectedly.

"What are your feelings about peanut butter?" Astrid asked, her eyes instantly lighting up.

"I have to go vomit endlessly now," Snape said as he got up from the table and started out of the hall.

"Ah, Severus!You're so witty!" Astrid chirped, looking around for a moment before tossing her rat onto the table.She smiled happily at little Severus and plopped him on Snape's plate, deciding that since they shared a name, they should also share their food.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Draco screamed as he raced past the table.

"Someone's trying to kill Malfoy!" a Hufflepuff yelled, "And it's not Fausta Darcy!"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Draco continued as he ran around the table once again.

"What's he doing?" one Slytherin asked, watching Malfoy make circles around the table.

"PROFESSOR SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAPE!" Malfoy screamed, deciding he was the only one who could possibly help him.

"Not Malfoy too!" one Hufflepuff yelled and sound found himself on the ground, twitching.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Draco screamed as Damion began to catch up with him.It was at this opportune moment that Astrid should decide to get involved.She simply stood up in Draco's path and he fell to the ground, screaming and covering his eyes.

"MY EYEEEEEEEEEEEEES!" Draco screamed, flailing about on the ground.

Damion skidded to a stop, or rather slowed down enough that running into Malfoy stopped him the rest of the way.He blinked, watching Astrid as she pulled her wand from her homemade dress and began poking Malfoy in the forehead while giggling.

"What are you doing?" Damion asked curiously as he watched the odd girl assault Malfoy.

"Just accosting Malfoy!One of my favourite habits, it is," Astrid smiled pleasantly as Draco gave out a little shriek when she 'accidentally' gave him a jab in the eye.

"Oh ... " was all Damion could think to say.

"Want to give it a go?" Astrid smiled pleasantly and held out her wand, "he makes the most adorable noise when you get him in the eye." Astrid then made a move to illustrate this, back Malfoy flailed away from her general direction.

"Don't mind if I do!" Damion said almost gleefully and took the wand from Astrid, giving Malfoy a few quick jabs in the side, "I ... uh ... like your dress." Damion's cheeks reddened slightly.

"Thanks! I made it," she paused to kick Malfoy in the head, "myself!"

"It's very ... colourful.Brings out your eyes," Damion flushed a little deeper.

"Oh for the love of GOD!" Draco yelled and received several kicks.

"Yeah, I took this material from one of Malfoy's dress robes," Astrid pointed at a spot on her dress and Malfoy would have made a noise but he was currently making sure he still had all his teeth, "and I took _this piece from Severus' bed sheets." She giggled and pointed to a patch over her heart._

"Oh ... is Severus your boyfriend?" Damion asked, his eyes narrowing a little.

"He's my little dumpling!" Astrid giggled, nodding.

"Damion, God, no, run!Run now!" Draco croaked and was soon eating wand.

"Oh ... is it ... serious?" Damion asked, scratching absently at the back of his neck.

"Well ... ehm ... that's sort of a complicated matter," Astrid said, considering.

"HE HATES HER GUTS!" Malfoy yelled before finding himself with a bloody nose.

"Oh, well ... I'm Damion," Damion (naturally) smiled and held out a hand to her.

"Astrid.Ackerley," Astrid stopped to consider this a moment, "Astrid Ackerley." She nodded.

"Delighted," Damion smiled, glancing down at his hand, which Astrid seemed to be ignoring.

"Quite," Astrid nodded primly before glancing down at Draco, "so, why were _you running down Malfoy?Not that it's not a pastime I don't heartily endorse and wish more people would partake in."_

"Oh, he was making a move on my sister," Damion explained bluntly.

"DRACO'S CHEATING ON FAUSTA?!YOU AWFUL LITTLE TWIT!" Astrid yelled and wound up to kick Draco in the head yet again, when Damion stopped her.

"No, no, my sister is Fausta," Damion blinked, wondering why he had stopped Astrid from kicking Malfoy, "but please, don't let that stop you."

"Of course," Astrid smiled and gave Malfoy a good thwack in the head, "wait ... you're Fausta's brother?" she blinked, looking at him with something along the lines of disbelief.

"Damion, what's taking you so long?I saw Draco go down ages ago and he's not that hard to keep on the ground," Fausta sighed, turning to glare at Astrid for a moment, "thank you for your _help, Astrid."_

"Oh, sorry Fausta.I was just talking to Astrid," Damion smiled pleasantly, "she's got a simply fantastic dress."

Fausta's eyes went wide and she stared at her brother in shock and disgust, "Are you absolutely BLIND?!"

"What d'you mean?" Damion winced slightly, "it's very ... creative."

"Hmph.See?Creative!" Astrid stuck her tongue out at Fausta before wandering back to her table, apparently done with Damion.

"What in the name of all things holy were you doing?!" Fausta demanded, glaring at her brother as he watched Astrid walk off, sighing dreamily.

"She's amazing ... who's this Severus kid?I'll rip him a new - "

"OH MY DEAR LORD!" Fausta shrieked, "you do _not like Astrid Ackerley!"_

"And why not?She's perfectly lovely!" Damion glared at his sister.

"She's perfectly _deranged, Damion!" Fausta shot right back._

"Just tell me who this Severus snot is," Damion continued to glare icily at Fausta.

"_Professor Severus Snape," Fausta returned her brother's glare._

"_Professor?!" Damion yelled, "that's __got to be violating some moral codes!"_

"Well Damion, it's not exactly mutual," Fausta hissed.

"He's _taking advantage of that poor, innocent girl?!" Damion demanded._

"You are not my brother," Fausta shook her head, picking up Draco, "come Draco."

"I want to go home," Draco whimpered as Fausta dragged him back towards his parents.

_Author's Note:And thus ends Chapter Five.AH HA HA HA!!Um ... so.Yup.So, I suppose you can probably expect Chapter Six soon, as we know everyone's just dying to finish up the Iuvensco Ball ... and besides, that plot twist with Damion!I mean, WOW!Who saw that one coming?And we have to find out what's going to happen with Ron and Snape!I mean, the guy FINALLY comes around!Good for you, Ronny!(This is Fausta speaking here!Ha ha ha.Just shitting you.)So, hopefully we'll have more up soon and Draco will live through it.Ha ha ha.Stupid punk.(Still Astrid.Ha ha ha.)In any case, Chapter Six might be it for a while, since Fausta is leaving for a place of higher learning, while Astrid sits here and ROTS.Ha ha ha, Actually, she'll be back around Christmas, so you'll have another instalment right around the time of the Potter movie ... of course, this chapter will be absolutely __awful, because Astrid just happened to have a thing for Alan Rickman even before he took the roll as Snape, so you just __know these are going to be volatile times.Let's see how many times we can get kicked out of the theatre for yelling 'TAKE IT OFF, BABY!' when Snape appears on screen! *cackle*_

So, yes, you can expect some real life exploits in that Chapter ... ha ha ha.As we'll be wearing Slytherin t-shirts and harassing small children!Trying to recruit them to our cult!Er ... house.We'll let you know when we'll next be writing in December.(ha ha ha.)Because we're actually getting LIVES! AH!GOD NO!Say it ain't so!

Just because I'm a self-indulgent little snot (I bet you think this is Fausta now, but it's not. *grin*) What are we doing?Well, I'll tell you, Bob!(NAME PROFESSOR BOB G*DDAMN YOU ALL!)Fausta is popping out of province to study MOOSICS!!YEAH MOOSICS!!She's going to be ... a moosic person or something.Whatever.ASTRID, however (ME ME ME) is ... um ... actually not doing much.Ha ha ha.Actually, she's going to be kissing ass from this September till next September to try and get into a VEDY VEDY small program!So, wish her luck in the ass-kissing department!I'm just gonna lock on and hold on tight!(Ha ha ha.)Well, honestly, the program admits thirty students a year.Ha ha ha.So will be applying in January ... does anyone care?Ha ha ha.No.What's it about?FILM AND VIDEO!! ROCKIN' DUDAGE!!!!So Astrid is going to be a moofie person!Yay!Moosics and moofies!We is SO mature.Um ...

That's about it.I just like talking about that, because it makes me feel all high and mighty to be in university.YOU UNCULTURED SLOBS WHO REFUSE TO NAME PROFESSOR BOB!!!Give the man a name, for the love of all things holy!!!Okay.Really done now.Really really.Hope you liked it.REVIEW IT!PLEASE!WE'LL SEND MONEY!!*

*please note money may be subject to monopoly-ness. ha ha ha.


	7. When Hell Freezes Over

Title: Harry Potter and Something or Other (6/?)   
  
Author name(s): Astrid Ackerley and Fausta Darcy   
  
Author email: slytherin@wouldilie.com   
  
Category: Humor, Romance   
  
Keywords: Draco, Snape, Harry, Ron, original characters, seventh year   
  
Spoilers: all 4 books   
  
Rating: R   
  
Summary: Two young witches transfer to Hogwarts from Canada. Chaos ensues. Not your usual Mary-Sues :)   
  
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K Rowling, various publishing companies including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, and Raincoast Books, and Warner Brothers Inc. No money is being made and no copyright of trademark infringement is intended.   
  
Authors Note: This is what we planned as the antithesis of Mary-Sue self-inclusion characters. Adventures abound for the gang in their 7th year at Hogwarts. Slytherin house gains two new students. Both are insane. Read to find out. REVIEW or be purged like the Gryffindor-loving, muggle-born scum you all are :)   
  
Chapter Six  
I'm Not Dead! I'm Feeling Much Better! I Think I'll Go For a Walk!  
  
Author's Note: And so we rise from the grave to torment you once more. See, this was our evil plot all along. We wrote like crazed monkeys (newsflash: Astrid can't spell 'monkeys'! It's monkies, DAMN YOU!!!!) until people actually started to like the fic, and then, like the twisted buggers we are, WE TOOK IT AWAY!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!! Leaving you hollow shells of the readers you once were!  
  
Actually, we got plastered at New Years and couldn't see straight. Or Fausta did, anyways. Astrid has a higher alcohol tolerance than Fausta ... does that make any sense to ANYONE?!  
  
Needless to say, the next morning opening our eyes and getting off the couch was a task hard enough to accomplish. Actually writing may have resulted in death. Or great pain for you guys. And because we love to torture you silly sods, we present to you ...  
  
What Astrid and Fausta May Have Written, Had They In Fact Tried, While Drunk  
  
Snape is so sexy. I would totally do him. Right here, right now. Mad, circus monkey loving. I'm telling you. AAAAAH! MY EYEBALLS JUST FELL OUT OF MY HEAD!!!! Oh, no wait, there they are.  
  
Were you talking about having sex with a monkey? Eeeew ... Astrid wants dirty monkey love! Astrid is a monkey-lover! Eeeew! Eeeeeew! EEEEEEEW!!!! I REPEAT FOR EMPHASIS: EEEEEEEEW!!!!!  
  
Why does it always come back to monkey-sex for you? You have a monkey-sex fetish. AAAAAAH! A MONKEY STOLE MY EYES!!!! No wait, there they are!  
  
Guess what?  
  
What?  
  
I just ate your eyes.  
  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
And you think we're kidding.  
  
Okay, maybe it wasn't QUITE accurate. Substitute the word 'Hobbit' for the word 'monkey' and you've about got it. But we don't like to mix fandoms. So we thought we'd leave those sexy little munchkins out of this.  
  
So, where were we? Right! Onto Chapter Six! Because people have actually been clamouring for it! YES! CLAMOURING!!! That word rocks. Clamouring. I wonder where that word comes from. D'you think it's got anything to do with clams? Ha ha ha. Seafood rocks.  
  
Okay, we're not drunk right now. We promise. If we were drunk, there would be lots more Hobbit-sex. Mmmm. Hobbit-sex.  
  
OKAY!!! Onto Chapter Six!  
  
Chapter Six  
I'm Not Dead! Etc.  
  
Lord Voldemort stared at the parchment in front of him, evil red snakey eyes tearing up as he read over the words. He sniffed his little snakey nose and gave it a blow on a very dark, very evil black hankie.  
  
"Oh, my darling daughter," Voldemort hissed as pathetically as any being of true evil can manage, "the time has finally come for you to join me. I only hope you won't reject me, like all the women at 'Happy Hour'." With this he chuckled a very ominous chuckle and sealed the letter, but he didn't put any postage on it. No, he was THAT evil.  
  
*****  
  
"Mail's here!" Hermione astutely observed as owls began pouring in from the ceiling of the Main Hall. Down they tumbled towards the waiting hands of the Hogwarts students below. With one very notable exception. Yes, a very EVIL looking owl circled around the top of the Main Hall looking EVIL with an EVIL package in it's EVIL talons! MUAHAHAHA!!!! (Sorry. We'll stop that.)  
  
Down the EVIL owl tumbled, towards the Slytherin table ... towards a girl at the Slytherin table ... towards ...  
  
ASTRID ACKERLEY!!!!!  
  
(You thought it was going to be Fausta, didn't you? You SUCKER!!!!!) The decidedly NOT NICE looking owl dropped the NASTY LOOKING letter in front of her before taking off out of the Main Hall with a hoot that boded of EEEEVIL!!!! (We're going for the subtle approach with this chapter.)  
  
"What an evil looking package," Astrid said, glancing down at the evil looking package in front of her.  
  
(Here Astrid pauses to remove the eye-goop from her eyes. Which is integral to the plot. You must know what we're doing at EVERY SINGLE MOMENT!!! Oh my god! Fausta is picking her nose!!! Ha ha ha, just kidding. Back to the EVIL.)  
  
"Who would be sending you such a menacing package?" Fausta sneered, usually it was HER who was receiving not-altogether-wholesome mail.  
  
"I'm not sure; it hasn't got any return address," Astrid said spookily, "I suppose we'll never know!"  
  
"... you could open the letter," Fausta suggested flatly.  
  
"My god! You're right!" Astrid agreed before tearing into the letter, which was housed in an evil black envelope, and was written with a not-all-that-frightening white gel-pen on foreboding black paper.  
  
Dearest Astrid,  
  
Hi! It's me! Your dad! No, I mean your real dad. Not that muggle sod back in Canada.  
  
Who am I, I can hear you asking?  
  
"GREAT SCOT! HE CAN HEAR MY THOUGHTS!" Astrid screamed before Fausta snatched the letter away and continued reading.  
  
I am ... none other than ... the great ... and powerful ...   
  
(Astrid goes to great lengths to restrain herself from writing 'Wizard of Oz'.)  
  
HE WHO MUST NOT BE NAMED!!!!!! (Voldemort. Not Bill Gates.)  
  
Yes, that's right. I am your father, Astrid.  
  
"NO!" Astrid screamed, "that's not true! That's impossible! OBIIII-WAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!!"  
  
Your mother was the only women I was ever able to pick up at Happy Hour. And oh, what a happy hour it was! In the back of my Chevy, I knocked your mother up in Reno, Nevada. And then I left her, because I am EVIL!!!!  
  
So you see, you are my daughter! (Which is a direct consequence of me being your father.) And you must join me in an unholy alliance, so that we may wreak havoc upon the wizarding world and cause untold pain and misery!!!!  
  
Please let me know when I can pick you up.  
  
Daddy loves you!  
Voldey.  
  
Okay. By now you should have figured out that we are, in fact, screwing with you. Yes, we played you like a five cent kazoo!! Voldemort isn't really Astrid's father, and Astrid doesn't really know Obi-Wan Kenobi. Though she really wishes she did. Because he has a really nice ... padawan braid. Yeah.  
  
AAAAH! OKAY! HE'S YOURS FAUSTA!!! OWWWWW!!!  
  
Anyway. On to Chapter Six? Yes, I think so.  
  
Chapter Six  
(For the Third Time)  
I'm Not blah blah blah  
  
"The results from the DNA test are in, Draco. You're Harry Potter's sister."  
  
Ha ha ha, okay, really sorry now. Okay, CHAPTER SIX, DAMNIT!!!  
  
Chapter Six  
(Really, We Promise This Time)  
You Know the Drill  
  
Last time we saw them, our heroes were in the Riddler's clutches, dangling high above a cage of rabid baboons on rollerskates.  
  
"Holy shit, Fausta!" Astrid exclaimed.  
  
Oh my god. You guys are too great. OKAY!!! Oh, forget it. I don't think we're going to write Chapter Six. This is it. This is Chapter Six. Have fun!  
  
Also, please note that since we've gone a bit nuts with the Author's Notes in the last few chapters, most anything in brackets will be Author's Notes. Unless it's an aside, which may happen, just to screw you up! So you'll never know if it's part of the story or not! AH HA HA HA! Diabolical.  
  
Chapter Six  
When Hell Freezes Over  
  
The soft chamber music of the goblin band floated through the air as the students and their parents took to the floor. Snape was actually pleased by the change of pace, as once Astrid realized that there were, in fact, goblins at the front of the dance, most of her energy was spent trying to throw chairs at them. (Astrid was not particularly fond of goblins. Go figure.)  
  
"Isn't anyone going to try and stop her?" Harry asked as Astrid let out a war-cry and hurled another chair towards the goblins. No one really seemed to notice as the bass player went down, twitching under the weight of the chair.  
  
"Do YOU want to try?" Hermione asked as she danced awkwardly past with Ron, who kept ramming Hermione into the other dancers, his eyes fixed on Astrid and her assault on the goblin hoard.  
  
"It's kind of atmospheric, actually," Harry laughed nervously, glancing to Cho, his dance partner.  
  
(Fausta just pointed out that Cho would have already graduated. Well, Fausta, you can just rot in hell. Cho failed a bunch of grades, cos she's a big dork.)  
  
"FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS GOOD AND HOLY, PUT THE GOBLIN DOWN!" Snape yelled as Astrid lunged at one of the violin players, practically foaming at the mouth.  
  
"How long d'you think it'll take her to get through the entire band?" Harry asked as Ron and Hermione made another pass.  
  
"At the rate she's going, I'd give them another five minutes," Hermione answered, glancing over her shoulder to see Astrid gnawing on one of the goblin's shins as he tried desperately to crawl away.  
  
"Do you remember when we used to get through a dance with the entire band in tact?" Harry wondered, watching the streak of plaid make for the other violinist.  
  
"I remember when we used to eat English muffins," Hermione told him, shaking her head.  
  
"Is no one else seeing this?" Harry asked, motioning over to where Astrid was currently bashing the first violinist over the head with his own instrument. Somehow the music continued on, and none of the other dancers seemed phased. Even Snape only paused to yell at Astrid when his punch cup needed refilling.  
  
"NOT THE EYES!" one of the goblins screamed as Astrid brandished the first violinist's bow.  
  
('It's called a bow, right?' Astrid, always the intelligent one, asks. She who can tell you the year in which each Hobbit in Lord of the Rings was born, but cannot identify 'that string thing that a violin-guy uses to make his violin work.' Yeah.)  
  
"Ron? Are you seeing this? Crazed, homicidal maniac. Not dating material," Hermione shook her head.  
  
"She's so nimble," Ron said dreamily, sighing happily as he watched Astrid scream and make for the punch bowl.  
  
"NOT THE BLOODY PUNCH BOWL!" Snape objected, finally deciding to put a stop to this behaviour when his punch bowl was in jeopardy. Thinking quickly, he shoved the beautiful glass centrepiece into Astrid's hands and sent her on her way back towards the goblins.  
  
"This is my last year. My last year. I won't have to put up with this ever again. My last year," Harry chanted to himself, shaking his head as he danced to the ever-shrinking goblin band's music.  
  
"AAAAARGH!! THE PAIN!!!!" the cellist screamed as shards of glass went flying in all directions. The violist didn't even have a chance to scream.  
  
(I hope this isn't too out there. Naaaah.)  
  
*****  
  
"You Severus Snape?" Damion Darcy asked gruffly, glaring at the older man as he refilled his punch once again.  
  
"How very astute," Snape drawled, not even looking up from the punch bowl.  
  
"I think we need to have a word," Damion said with a very deep frown, glancing over at Astrid, still screaming like a crazed baboon.  
  
"As you can see, I'm quite busy," Snape said before pulling a small flask from his robes and pouring the contents into his cup, his eyes brightening considerably with every drop, "so if you don't mind."  
  
"I really think we need to have a word," Damion hissed, giving Snape a look and grabbing his arm.  
  
"Look boy," Snape began, pausing to drain his cup, "contrary to popular belief, I'm not the school bicycle."  
  
"Excuse me?" Damion arced a brow at the elder professor as Snape turned to fill his cup with punch again before stopping and just pulling the flask from his robes again.  
  
"You heard me, boy," Snape said, taking a sip from his flask, "I said it loud and clear and you heard it and I'm not repeating it because you heard what I said because I said it for you to hear." All of Astrid's dreams had come true; Snape was drunk. Very, very drunk.  
  
"Er, sir, I think maybe you should put the flask down," Damion suggested, glancing around in something near panic as Snape wrapped his arm around Damion and rested his head on his shoulder.  
  
"Don't even think about taking my flask," Snape told him, shaking his head against Damion's shoulder, "this is all I have left. She's taken everything else. My dignity, my pride, she almost took my punch too. This is all I have." Snape waved the little flask in Damion's face before taking another sip.  
  
"Sir, maybe we should get you out of here before you embarrass yourself," Damion nodded nervously, trying to haul Snape away, but he would have none of it.  
  
"Have you seen my bow-tie?" Snape asked, trying to look down at his bow-tie, "It's a little late."  
  
"It's a perfectly nice bow-tie," Damion told him sympathetically, looking around frantically for some way out of this conversation.  
  
"Do you think so?" Snape asked, sniffling a little at Damion's kindness, "I mean, do you REALLY think so?"  
  
"Er ... yes, of course," Damion nodded unsurely.  
  
"You know, I'm a very attractive man," Snape started before finding himself on the floor and Damion on the other side of the Hall, "I'M SERIOUS!" Snape yelled after him before passing out on the floor.  
  
*****  
  
"The way you let Damion knock your teeth out was really quite pathetic, Draco," Fausta told him, sounding none-too-impressed with her date.  
  
"Right, next time I'll ask him to stick solely to my body," Draco nodded, it was very hard to tell whether he was joking or not.  
  
"You could always grow a spine," Fausta suggested offhandedly, shrugging a little.  
  
"Stand up to you and Damion?" Draco asked, sounding rather frightened by the prospect.  
  
"What? Who said stand up to ME? No, you twit! Stand up to my brother," Fausta gave him an annoyed look.  
  
"Of course ... I think it would just be easier to dig myself a hole," Draco frowned slightly.  
  
"I can't believe you're still hanging on to that pathetic bear after all this time," Fausta shook her head, of course referring to the incident that had started this entire mess. (See Tamz, we were getting to it. Sha.)  
  
"Don't you bring Mr Snuggles into this!! He's an innocent!" Draco yelled, earning him some rather odd looks from the dancers around him.  
  
"Draco, it was a teddy-bear," Fausta stated flatly.  
  
"MR SNUGGLES WAS MORE THAN A TEDDY-BEAR! HE WAS MY BEST FRIEND! He was my only friend ... "  
  
---FLASHBACK---  
  
Draco sits at a small table with a ratty looking old teddy-bear. The bear has only one ear and one of it's eyes is hanging on by a thread. Make no mistake, this wasn't the wear-and-tear of love; Mr Snuggles was punished.  
  
"Do you want another cookie, Mr Snuggles?" Draco asked the little bear, smiling happily from under the oversized straw hat adorned with giant sunflowers.  
  
Mr Snuggles stared at Draco.  
  
"I said, do you want another cookie, Mr Snuggles?" Draco asked again, this time a little more forcefully.  
  
Mr Snuggles stared at Draco.  
  
"ANSWER ME YOU LOUSY BASTARD!!! YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME LIKE MUMMY AND DADDY! I HATE YOU MR SNUGGLES!" Draco screamed, relieving the bear of one of it's arms.  
  
"What was that? Oh yes, I'd like another cookie too, Mr Snuggles," Draco nodded pouring the contents of the cookie bag into his mouth ...  
  
---END FLASHBACK---  
  
"Draco, when Damion ripped of his head, he was pretty much just a torso and a head anyway," Fausta shook her head disdainfully.  
  
"It doesn't matter!!! Mr Snuggles will be avenged!! I miss him so much!" Draco began to sniffle now.  
  
"Draco, it happened five years ago," Fausta sighed, "and if you get my dress damp, I'll get Damion to tear off your head."  
  
"Okay," Draco sniffled, defeated for the moment, casting a glare across the dance floor at Damion as he let his mind drift ...  
  
---FLASHBACK THE SECOND-  
  
"I like mummy's blue dress the most!" Draco said, modelling said blue dress as he danced around in front of his mother's floor-to-ceiling mirror, "What do you think, Mr Snuggles?" Draco asked the legless bear.  
  
Mr Snuggles stared at Draco.  
  
"No YOU look like a whore!" the thirteen year old Draco yelled back at Mr Snuggles.  
  
Mr Snuggles stared at Draco.  
  
"Hmm, maybe we should burn all these dresses," Draco nodded, looking down at himself, "this one makes my butt look huge anyway."  
  
Mr Snuggles stared at Draco.  
  
"You don't have to AGREE with me, you uncaring son of a bitch!" Draco screamed before the slamming of a door startled him.  
  
"OH NO! Mum and dad are home! This is all your fault, you stupid cross-dressing whore!" Draco yelled, bringing Mr Snuggles to the head-and-torso stage which Fausta had mentioned ...  
  
---END FLASHBACK THE SECOND---  
  
(Do all you Draco fans want to gut us yet? We only do this because we love the silly cross-dressing pyromaniac. Really, we do.)  
  
*****  
  
Ron watched as Professors McGonagall and Bob dragged Snape's limp carcass away from the dance floor. (Astrid is shocked to learn she has been spelling the word 'carcass' wrong. My world is crashing down around me. Nothing makes sense anymore. Dear god ... next thing you'll be telling me Hobbits aren't real ... ) Professor Snape yelled some rather lewd things across the dance floor, which unfortunately everyone heard, as the band was down to a single flute player, who was currently running back and forth across the stage, Astrid close behind him.  
  
"I hope they don't charge extra for this," Dumbledore mused, looking at the little pile of goblin carcasses, "Well, I think that's a splendid way to end this night's festivities." He nodded before raising his voice to talk to the entire Hall, "I think the night's merriments will end on that note. Students, please (because I know how much you guys love my spelling related idiocy, a brief rant: Open letter to the morons at Microsoft: You fix wnat. I got over that. You don't fix pelase?! COME ON! I type 'pelase' like fifteen times a day!! FIX PELASE!!!! Thanks.) Students, please escort your parents to the housing arranged for them in the third floor corridor, then return to your dormitories. Classes will commence tomorrow at nine am, when you will take your parents to class with you. Excepting potions class, which will not be held until at least noon."  
  
After escorting their parents to the makeshift dorms in the third floor corridor, all the students made their way back to their dorm rooms without too much fuss. The talk mainly settled on Snape's inebriation, Astrid's violent attacks on the band, and Mr Snuggles.  
  
"Snape was drunk?!" Astrid demanded, eyes widening, "and I wasn't there to take advantage of him?! Blasted goblins. Always foiling my plans. But they'll pay. Oh yes, they'll pay."  
  
"They haven't already?" Fausta asked sceptically, she herself had had quite a lovely evening reminding Draco of his decapitated teddy-bear.  
  
"They got off light," Astrid grumbled, obviously quite sore about missing Snape's drunkenness.  
  
"Did you see? Professor Snape was trying to pick up that surly looking kid. I think he's Fausta Darcy's brother," a Hufflepuff said more loudly than he really should have. You would've thought they'd have learned by now, what with Fausta dolling out the pain.  
  
"WELL, FUCK ME!" Astrid screamed and everything came to a dead halt and all eyes fell on Astrid. She glanced around quickly before narrowing her eyes, "WHAT?!" With this Astrid rolled her eyes and stormed off down the hallway.  
  
"That was bloody brilliant," Fausta grinned, following after Astrid before everyone else followed after them. (Lots of following. Oh yeah. DOWN WITH THESAURI!!!)  
  
(Well. That just bumped the rating up to R. Astrid is so filthy. Hey - at least we didn't leave the typo. Astrid typed 'quicky' instead of 'quickly'. Can we say Freudian slip?)  
  
*****  
  
The week continued on in much the same fashion, with Astrid encouraging Snape to indulge in his budding alcoholism, Damion roughing up Draco and trying to get Snape alone and uninebriated for a moment, and Ron trying to get Astrid's attention for a little while. Fausta spent the week keeping her brother from committing a homicide on Hogwart's grounds, and Harry spent the week thanking the lord his parents weren't alive to see this.  
  
The only event really worth mentioning would be Quidditch try-outs. Which occurred on the Thursday, though that really isn't of any importance to the plot. We just thought it would be worth mentioning that it happened, not on a Wednesday, but a Thursday. Anyway, Thursday at Quidditch practice, Astrid walked onto the field, carrying her (DAMNIT!!! What's the beater stick thing called? *breaks out 'Quidditch Through the Ages'* ... hee hee ... shuntbump. That sounds dirty. Okay, they're just called bats. But wasn't that worth it for the shuntbump thing? I bet Astrid would like to shuntbump Snape. Hee hee. *ahem*) carrying her bat and a vintage 1952 Swiftstick, (which also sounds so very dirty). As soon as she stepped out onto the pitch, Draco began shaking his head.  
  
"No. Oh no. NO," Draco said adamantly, raising his broomstick as if he was going to beat Astrid with it, "this is Slytherin's last chance for glory and I'm not having YOU muck it up!" (I said muck! *shifty eyes*)  
  
"But Mr Snuggles so wants to see me play!" Astrid said, holding up the teddy-torso that could only be Mr Snuggles.  
  
"WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?!" Draco screamed, lunging towards her, hands outstretched towards what remained of Mr Snuggles.  
  
"While I was very non-discreetly rummaging through all the things in your room, I came upon what could only be Mr Snuggles," Astrid grinned wickedly as she pushed off from the ground, flying out of Draco's reach, "Damion still has the head, by the way. He uses it as a pin cushion."  
  
"MR SNUGGLES!!!!!" Draco screamed, taking off before a shrill whistle brought him back down to the ground, a sheepish look on his face as Madam Hooch glared at him.  
  
"I thought I told you all to stay on the ground," she stated sternly, giving Draco a pointed look.  
  
"But ... but, Mr Snuggles!" Draco whimpered, pointing over at Astrid who just shrugged and made a 'crazy' motion to Madam Hooch.  
  
"Yes ... Mr Snuggles ... right! Okay, everyone who's trying out, step forward and state your house and the position you're trying out for," Madam Hooch looked over Draco's shoulder, leaning over to watch Astrid kicking something behind a bush.  
  
"Astrid Ackerley, Slytherin house, beater," Astrid chirped, giving whatever it was behind the bush another swift kick before wandering over to Madam Hooch, "I've brought my own bludger." Astrid nodded before producing Mr Snuggles' torso from her Quidditch robes.  
  
"NOOOOO!" Draco screamed, hopping onto his broomstick and dive bombing Astrid. Luckily, Astrid had anticipated this and smacked Mr Snuggles into Draco's face before taking to her Swiftstick and flying off over Madam Hooch's head.  
  
"Well, she's got nice form," Madam Hooch nodded as Draco did a face-plant into the ground, clutching Mr Snuggles to his broken face.  
  
"Give me a lap around the pitch," Madam Hooch called up to her and Astrid obliged. She was only halfway round the pitch when Draco joined her in the air, a vicious look on his bruised and bloodied visage.  
  
"You will PAY, Ackerley! You will feel the wrath of Mr Snuggles!" Draco yelled after her, "there was a reason Mr Snuggles had no limbs! YOU WILL FEEL PAIN!!!" Draco was so caught up in yelling at Astrid that he didn't notice the bludger hurtling towards him until it hit him squarely in the chest and Draco went spiralling down towards the ground.  
  
"Draco! What are you doing?" Madam Hooch yelled up at the tumbling carcass (I like the word carcass!) as it careened towards the earth at startling speeds.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAH! CATCH MR SNUGGLES!!!!" Draco screamed as he plummeted towards the Quidditch pitch, only to be saved about ten feet up by Astrid grabbing a hold of his robes. He stopped screaming to glance up at her, a horrified look on his pallid face, "NOOOOO!!! LET ME DIE!" Draco screamed.  
  
Astrid gave a little shrug before letting go of Draco and letting him perform another magnificent face plant.  
  
"That was remarkable," Madam Hooch told Astrid as she ran up to the pair, Draco still twitching on the ground, "you would make a brilliant seeker."  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!" Draco managed, twitching and convulsing ever more violently.  
  
"Thanks Madam Hooch, but if it's all the same to you, I'd prefer being a beater. Gives me an excuse to smack things about with a big, wooden stick," Astrid grinned none-too-sanely as she touched down.  
  
Astrid and Madam Hooch walked back into Hogwarts talking animatedly about Astrid's future Quidditch career while Draco lay broken on the Quidditch Pitch. But at least he had Mr Snuggles. It wasn't until several hours later when someone came looking for Draco that they found the other prospective Quidditch players behind a bush next to the Quidditch pitch. But by then it was too late. Astrid was Slytherin's newest beater.  
  
*****  
  
"So Fausta, before we begin, I need to ask you a few questions. For example, what are your views on Death Eating?" Professor Eichmann asked, giving her a curious look.  
  
"Did you say ... Death Eating?" Fausta asked with a blink.  
  
"No, no, I said meth-eating. I like meth," Eichmann said, looking around suspiciously.  
  
"You like meth." Fausta nodded.  
  
"Oh yeah. Meth is my friend. I do meth all the time. In fact, I think I'll go do some meth right now," Eichmann said and ran off screaming at the top of his lungs.  
  
(Just kidding. As tempting as that was to put into the story, we decided that we shouldn't joke about meth. KIDS! JUST SAY NO TO DRUGS!!)  
  
"So Fausta, your training goes as far as the decollo charm, obviously, but how much further does it go?" Professor Eichmann asked as he circled Fausta.  
  
(We would like to mention that, of course the decollo spell is sanctioned in competition. It's perfectly fine to - with a single word - cause your opponents head to fly from his body in a fabulous spray of crimson. That is so sanctioned. Yeah.)  
  
"Decollo was as much as my father was willing to teach me. I'm sure you'll agree that it alone has questionable uses in competition," Fausta smirked lightly, following Eichmann with her eyes.  
  
"I suppose what I'm asking, Fausta, is how far would you be willing to go?" Eichmann asked, perking a brow in curiosity.  
  
"Why, as far as you can take me," Fausta continued to smirk.  
  
(Oh my god! That's vaguely sexual! Ha ha ha! Fausta is such a whore! Aaaw ... Fausta knew that was coming. Never mind then.)  
  
"What if I were to suggest the adflictatio charm?" Eichmann asked, carefully gauging Fausta's reaction.  
  
"I'd say I'm way ahead of you! ADFLICTATIO!" Fausta yelled, causing Eichmann to spontaneously combust. The end.  
  
(Sorry ... we're getting really hyper. Just pretend that last thing with Fausta didn't happen.)  
  
"I would say that's a brilliant idea," Fausta was almost purring now.  
  
"Excellent," Eichmann smirked, readying his wand ...  
  
*****  
  
Breakfast the next morning was quiet, as usual, until Astrid arrived. The barrage of English muffins was especially thick this morning, as the Slytherins were not pleased with the state their Seeker was in, and with a Quidditch game later that week, they couldn't see how they were going to come out ahead.  
  
"Watch it, watch it!" Astrid yelled in uncharacteristically bad spirits that morning as she tried to shield the glass of what appeared to be orange juice she carried in her hand. (Note the 'appeared to be', cos we're just that subtle.)  
  
"What's got your knickers in a knot?" Draco asked sourly through the many bandages now adorning his beautiful face. He winced in anticipation of some kind of physical assault, but when none came, he opened his eyes to see Astrid grinning at him.  
  
"Never you mind, my dear," Astrid gave a cracked giggle, patting the pseudo-orange juice. (See? Subtle.)  
  
"Astrid, you're frightening me," Draco whimpered just as Fausta arrived at the table.  
  
"Still an invertebrate," Fausta mumbled in annoyance as she sat down next to him and began spooning herself some scrambled eggs.  
  
"Isn't this a lovely morning? I think this is a lovely morning. Where's Professor Snape?" Astrid asked, as subtle as ever as she glanced around the Hall, eyes lighting up as the professor in question walked through the door, "Severus! Darling! How are you?" Astrid chirped as the teacher approached the table.  
  
"A word, if I might, Ackerley," Snape grumbled, obviously not too pleased about having to be the one to deliver the news to Astrid.  
  
"Severus, dear, I squeezed this orange juice just for you, here, have some," Astrid said, practically forcing it down his throat.  
  
"I really do need to see you outside," Snape motioned out of the Main Hall, an urgent look on his face.  
  
"Take. The. Juice." Astrid said, her voice deathly quiet.  
  
"Astrid, join me in the hall a moment," Snape said silkily, knowing it was the only way he would get Astrid to stop this nonsense with the juice.  
  
Astrid blinked, immediately plopped the juice on the table and dashed out the Main Hall dragging Snape after her.  
  
"You're sure you were the only one to take a blow to the head?" Fausta glanced over at Draco as she grabbed for her orange juice and CONVENIENTLY grabbed the wrong glass. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha!! MUAHAHAHA!!!! *ahem* Fausta downed the entire glass as she glanced down at her plate and was just about to look back at Draco when who should run up to the table but RON!!!!! AAAH!! THE HORROR!!  
  
"Where's Astrid?" Ron demanded, causing Fausta to snap her head up to look at him. And then a very funny thing happened. The love potion started to take effect. (Yes, of course that's what it is. If you hadn't figured that out ... you have larger problems than we can deal with.) Fausta blinked slowly, looking down to the table for a moment before her gaze fell back on Ron. Wonderful, handsome, strapping Ron. (Strapping. Oh god, I love it.)  
  
"Never mind Astrid," Fausta purred, climbing onto the table to grab Ron's shirt collar and pull him towards her in what would have been one of the most passionate kisses ever to grace Hogwarts had Ron not been screaming and flailing his arms madly.  
  
"AAAAAAH! GERROF!! THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" Ron screamed when Fausta finally released him.  
  
"Have I ever told you how absolutely sexy I think you are?" Fausta asked, looking suggestively at Ron from her place on the table. She probably would have been quite alluring herself if she weren't kneeling in scrambled egg.  
  
"No, and I'd like to keep it that way," Ron said as he backed away from the table.  
  
"Oh, Ron," Fausta threw back her head and laughed, "I don't bite. Unless you want me to." With this she winked at Ron and resumed purring.  
  
This was all Ron needed. He turned abruptly and ran screaming from the Main Hall. (No, really.) Draco laughed up at Fausta, shaking his head.  
  
"That was brilliant! I can't believe you kissed him though; you don't know where he's been," Draco made a face, "but to make such a sacrifice just to emotionally scar that horrible Weasley. Fausta, I have a new respect for - " Draco would have finished if Fausta hadn't grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, a dangerous glare on her face.  
  
"I'd watch how you talk about my darling Ronny," Fausta hissed menacingly, before shoving Draco back into his seat, leaping off the table and running after her lovely Weasley-dumpling. (Dumpling!)  
  
Draco stared after her, dumbfounded as Astrid reappeared in the Hall, looking quite disappointed as she made her way over to the Slytherin table. She completely ignored the look on Draco's face and began searching the table until she found what she was looking for. An empty glass. She looked at it, paused, blinked, before yelling, "WELL, FUCK ME!" and storming out of the Hall.  
  
*****  
  
Author's Note: Well! There you have it! Chapter Six. Our most disturbing chapter yet, I'd say. I don't think anyone's going to disagree with that. However, we have a few things to discuss.  
  
Firstly, apologies if you were offended by the increased amount of profanity and obscenity. However, it really could have been much worse. We cut out that stuff that we feared would really offend people. Particularly a scene with Astrid, Draco, and Astrid's Swiftstick. Oh yeah. Maybe we'll include that on the DVD. :P  
  
Secondly, apologies if it seems like everything is 'Astrid said', 'Fausta said', 'Draco said'. Fausta pointed out that it's probably because I've been reading too much Tolkien. Nothing is ever exclaimed in Tolkien. It's all very subdued, like "Oh my god. Boromir just burst into flames," said Frodo as he watched Boromir burst into flames. Hee hee. I love Boromir. He's a Viking! :D  
  
Thirdly, thanks to everyone on Schnoogle (whom we are now writing for, not YOU BASTARDS ON FANFICTION.NET, YOU CAN ALL ROT IN HELL WITH HITLER!) who participated in the 'Name Professor Bob' contest!! Nobody won! YOU SUCKERS!!! He's staying professor Bob. However, since we do love you all, here is the pony we promised you.   
  
http://hideouspenguinboy.tripod.com/pony.jpg  
  
His name is Ron! Ron the pony! For no reason. *cough cough cough* (Let's stop right there. We promised to cut out most of the smut, right?) (Note: MOST of. Thanks.)  
  
Fourthly, there is no fourthly! HA HA HA!  
  
Fifthly, Hobbits are yummy. Astrid and Fausta like little men with fuzzy feet and pointy ears. They get the job done, boy howdy! (Reminder: We did say MOST of.) This really has no point. We just wants Hobbitses. Astrid is getting cardboard Hobbits for her room. No, really. It's not sad. And she's getting them bubble pipes. SHUT UP, I'M COOLER THAN YOU ARE!!!  
  
Anyway, Chapter Seven (which should be pretty interesting, what with Fausta trying to steal ASTRID'S MAN, DAMNIT!) should be up ... when? Fausta? Fausta promises you that it will be up within twenty-four hours, or she will sell her body over eBay. Ha ha ha. Okay, she really said soon. But whatever. I'm still selling her over eBay. Cardboard Hobbits don't come cheap. 


	8. Oh The Burden is So Great

Title: Harry Potter and Something or Other (7/?)  
  
Author name(s): Astrid Ackerley and Fausta Darcy  
  
Author email: slytherin@wouldilie.com  
  
Category: Humor, Romance  
  
Keywords: Draco, Snape, Harry, Ron, original characters, seventh year  
  
Spoilers: all 4 books  
  
Rating: R  
  
Summary: Two young witches transfer to Hogwarts from Canada. Chaos ensues. Not your usual Mary-Sues :)  
  
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by J.K Rowling, various publishing companies including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books, and Raincoast Books, and Warner Brothers Inc. No money is being made and no copyright of trademark infringement is intended.  
  
Authors Note: This is what we planned as the antithesis of Mary-Sue self- inclusion characters. Adventures abound for the gang in their 7th year at Hogwarts. Slytherin house gains two new students. Both are insane. Read to find out. REVIEW or be purged like the Gryffindor-loving, muggle-born scum you all are :)  
  
Chapter Seven Oh, the Burden is So Great  
  
Author's Note: Well, Astrid here. I sold Fausta over eBay to support my leaf habit. Ah, Old Toby. Finest weed in the South Farthing. And oh my ... the colours ... and the flying monkeys ... AAAH AAAAH! MY EYES!!!!  
  
Okay, just kidding. So, we've (yes, Fausta's still here. The bids actually only got up to around 15 cents, and I wasn't willing to part with her for that much. FIFTEEN CENT WHORE! FIFTEEN CENT WHORE!) noticed that a lot of people seem to be reading our story for the author's notes. Good for you. And now, just to spite you lousy bastards, we've decided to cut down on the author's notes and make the fic longer. Much longer. Painfully long, even. (In other words, we may get through an ACTUAL chapter ... instead of whatever the hell Chapter Six was.)  
  
Before we get to the actual fic, however, we would like to address some rumours. Rumours that we started, but that doesn't mean they're not rumours. So bugger off. (Bugger off is more family-friendly than piss off, says Astrid.) Okay, rumours - we aren't writing femme-slash, despite what you may have heard. While it is true that Astrid seems to hit on every male version of Fausta that comes along (Prof. Snape, Luscious Lucius Malfoy), she obviously ends up with Fausta. I mean Ron! Ron! I meant Ron! Damnit. Well, there goes the surprise ending, Fausta. So much for the massive orgy. What are we going to do now?  
  
Ha ha ha. You perverts. I bet you actually believed us too, didn't you? Probably not. You know us too well by now. Okay, so no femme-slash. Also, despite rumours rampant on the internet, Ron does not move to Gotham City, kill Robin and replace him as Batman's sidekick. Astrid may dream about him in tights, but that's about as close as you get.  
  
Now, there are some other rumours that we would like to encourage. Yes, Harry will get sucked into Middle-earth where he will have a mad tryst with Frodo. And Legolas. And Gimli. And, yes, even Saruman. And then he will return to Hogwarts where no man will ever be able to satisfy him ever again. But Draco will try. (Blame Fausta for that one.)  
  
Also, yes, Lucius Malfoy will have an affair with Astrid and leave Narcissa for her. They will get married and Astrid will be Draco's stepmother and will put his hair in curls and make him wear dresses. Which he'll enjoy. And go on to become Miss Magical UK 2002. But that comes later.  
  
For now, enjoy Chapter Seven! :D  
  
Chapter Seven Oh, But the Burden is STILL So Great  
  
"Fausta Weasley," Fausta murmured to herself, her quill swirling in little nauseating hearts with the initials 'FD + RW' next to a scratched out picture of Ron's head on a pike.  
  
"... Fausta ... you're just doing this to scare me, right? It's working. I'm scared. So very, very scared," Draco whimpered as he watched Fausta add another layer of frills to the heart.  
  
"You're interrupting my Ron time," Fausta growled and grabbed Draco by the collar of his shirt, "and right now I'm thinking about Ron in a speedo, so if you like all your fingers where they are, BUGGER OFF." With this she abruptly let him go and went back to her doodling.  
  
"... Are you doing this to get my attention? You are, aren't you?" Draco asked somewhat slyly, giving her a suggestive look.  
  
"I know where you sleep," Fausta snarled without looking up from her paper.  
  
"You're hurting my feelings," Draco snivelled and turned quickly around, pulling the bear torso from his robes and looking at it woefully, "Mr Snuggles ... she doesn't like us anymore."  
  
"I never liked Mr Snuggles," Fausta told Draco coolly, at which point Draco emitted a high-pitched squeal of agony and ran from the room.  
  
"Bloody bugger sodding bastard DAMNIT ALL TO HELL!" Astrid's voice rose from a mutter to a scream of rage as she threw herself into her seat. No one else seemed to notice; they were quite used to Astrid's little 'episodes'.  
  
"Hullo Astrid," Fausta said evenly, still not looking up from the sketch of her wedding dress.  
  
"GRAARRNGFUUUUUUUUGGGGG!!!!" Astrid foamed and slammed her head down against the desk, obviously still a bit sore about losing her love potion.  
  
"I'm quite well, thanks for asking," Fausta told her and began shading the dress black.  
  
"I think I'm just going to leap on him and tear off all his clothing," Astrid said, head snapping up, a wild look in her eyes as she balled her hands resolutely into fists.  
  
"Going for the subtle approach?" Fausta asked absently, her ink bottle was half empty thanks to her future wedding gown.  
  
"And then I'll cover him in peanut butter," Astrid's eyes lit up, and she nodded vigorously.  
  
"What is your fascination with peanut butter?" Fausta asked, turning up her nose a little. Naturally her tastes were slightly more refined.  
  
"It's a long story. My first crush was Mr Peanut," Astrid shrugged a little, "monocles are so sexy."  
  
"Oh, Astrid!" Fausta gushed, apparently moved by Astrid's profession, "I've fallen in love!"  
  
"... oh?" Astrid asked, arcing a brow, already beginning to suspect what might be behind this phenomenon, "you and Draco finally get things sorted out? Going to have all sorts of nasty little bleach-blonde brats?"  
  
"Ugh, not Draco," Fausta looked absolutely repulsed, "I can't stand a man that ... clingy."  
  
"Professor Eichmann?" Astrid asked with a mildly disturbing grin.  
  
"No ... although he is quite attractive," Fausta said consideringly.  
  
"Oh, much better. Colour-blind red-headed gits for children. Stop peeing in the gene pool, Fausta," Astrid said very eloquently and shook her head.  
  
"No, no, it's RON!" Fausta burst, hugging herself as if the name itself were too good to be true.  
  
"... ... ..." Astrid just stared at Fausta for a very long time, the little ellipses almost audible, before,  
  
"GRAAAAAAAAAAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!" and with that she jumped on Fausta, knocking her to the ground and began slamming Fausta's head against the floor.  
  
"AAAAH! YOU'LL RUIN THE SKETCH OF MY WEDDING DRESS!" Fausta screamed, trying desperately to reach for her wand. Astrid continued to scream like a walrus in heat and began throttling Fausta with renewed rage.  
  
"I! WILL! KILL! YOU!" Astrid screamed as Fausta began turning an attractive shade of blue.  
  
"You ... don't ... appreciate Ron ..." Fausta gasped, helplessly clawing at Astrid's face.  
  
"SO?!" Astrid yelled right back, "HE'S MIIIIINE!" Astrid screamed just as Professor McGonagall walked into the class. She took one look at the two girls and turned right back around.  
  
"Best go alert Madam Pomfrey," McGonagall mumbled to herself as she disappeared from the room, passing Draco as he re-entered the classroom. He stared at the two girls as they violently beat each other and glanced to a Slytherin student sitting near by.  
  
"What's this about?" he asked over shrill screaming.  
  
"Ron Weasley," the Slytherin told him woefully.  
  
"... ... ... Come on Mr Snuggles, I packed a few of mum's dresses," and with that, Draco exited the room as well, clutching the only thing he could count on - the teddy carcass - to his chest.  
  
"DIE BITCH!" Fausta screamed as she went for Astrid's eyes.  
  
"YOU FIRST!" Astrid shrieked right back at her and popped Fausta one in the nose.  
  
"Astrid, honey?" the cheerful voice came from the door and the class turned to see a rather odd looking couple standing at the door. The man was a slightly overweight fellow with a mass of straw blonde hair and a vacant grin. The woman was a very attractive sort, nearly all legs (but not literally :P) with red hair in loose curls to her knees. Both wore matching plaid jackets and the woman wore an attractive plaid skirt, while the man sported baggy plaid shorts. There was only one student these people could be related to.  
  
"Hi mum!" Astrid chirped pleasantly as she resumed slamming Fausta's head into the classroom floor, "Hi dad!"  
  
"Hullo angel! How are you?" Astrid's father asked pleasantly, wandering through the classroom towards his daughter.  
  
"Awash with blood," Astrid waved her hands at her father and Fausta took this opportunity to throw Astrid off of her, and then took it upon herself to dive upon Astrid and start clawing at her face.  
  
"That's nice," her father smiled, looking around the classroom with some interest.  
  
"Astrid, dear, what have we told you about fighting?" her mother asked sternly as Fausta screamed bloody blue murder and continued to leave rather large gashes on Astrid's pale face.  
  
"But mummy - " Astrid began in between Fausta's assaults.  
  
"No buts, missy. You get up right this minute and apologize to this nice girl," she said as that 'nice girl' wrapped her hands around Astrid's throat.  
  
"Sorry ... Fausta ..." Astrid chocked out before passing out. Fausta removed her hands from Astrid's throat and stood up, brushing a loose bang from her eyes. She heaved a sigh and nodded.  
  
"That's b- " Fausta began, but didn't quite finish, as Astrid kicked both her legs out from under her and sent Fausta crashing into a desk, where she promptly (and actually) passed out.  
  
"Done, mummy!" Astrid said pleasantly, wiping her hands off on her skirt, "welcome to Hogwarts!" she said and gave her mother a large hug as the Slytherins in the class cowered in her wake.  
  
"Haven't got much of a caretaker here, have they?" her father remarked, glancing down at where Fausta lay in a pile of broken wood and bled.  
  
"Where's Adora?" Astrid asked, obviously in regards to her younger sister ... yes, she has a younger sister. Named Adora. Astrid and Adora Ackerley. Oh, the horror.  
  
"We left her tied to the mailbox out front back home," her mother told her agreeably.  
  
"That's where she's happiest," Astrid smiled and directed her parents out of the classroom for a tour of Hogwarts.  
  
* * * * *  
  
Fausta sat in Potions class nursing all manner of cuts and bruises, and staring hatefully at the door as she waited for Astrid to arrive. The second Fausta saw the hint of blonde hair, her wand was out and she sent a rather nasty curse involving a person's spleen being somewhere it shouldn't be.  
  
"AAAAAARGH!" Draco screamed as he writhed on the floor.  
  
"Hmm. Damnit," Fausta muttered but made no move to cease Draco's suffering.  
  
"AAAAAAARGH!!! MR SNUGGLES!!! HEEELP!!! MY SPLEEEEEEEN!" Draco's cries of agony filled the classroom. Snape arrived then, stepping over Draco and holding his temples. He walked up to the front of the class and opened his mouth to speak, but Draco's pained yelps continued to assault his senses and so he walked back over to the boy, black eyes boring into him.  
  
"Mr Malfoy," Snape hissed, his voice deathly calm, "if you do not cease that infernal screaming, I will remove your tongue."  
  
"AAAAAARGH! MY TONGUE!!!" Draco screamed and threw Mr Snuggles at Snape. The torso beaned Snape in the head, but reaped no reaction from the potions professor. He remained staring blankly at Draco, eye twitching slightly.  
  
"Mr Snuggles! You saved me!" Draco said, forgetting his pain and clawing his way across the floor towards the bear torso, "I love you, Mr Snuggles! ... ew, you're all greasy now. You need a bath."  
  
"Why did I become a teacher?" Snape muttered to himself as he wandered back towards the front of the class and glanced around quickly for Astrid. Finding her nowhere to be seen, he heaved a sigh of relief and turned towards the black board to write up the list of ingredients for that day's potion.  
  
"THIEVING WHORE!" Fausta screamed as Astrid entered the room, her parents close behind, and Snape fell to the ground twitching.  
  
"Hi Fausta!" Astrid waved pleasantly, "Madam Pomfrey does amazing work. You can hardly tell your nose was broken!"  
  
"YOU WILL BE PURGED!" Fausta screeched, waving her hands madly in the air.  
  
"That's attractive," Astrid told her as she took a seat next to Ron, who was glancing between the two girls with unadulterated fear in his eyes.  
  
"I AM BEAUTIFUL!" Fausta continued to preach, shaking a fist at Astrid.  
  
"Ron likes me better, right Ron?" Astrid purred to Ron, snuggling up close to him.  
  
"Ron likes his spleen where it is," Ron said, glancing over to where Draco was currently stroking what was left of Mr Snuggles and mumbling to himself.  
  
"I like your spleen too," Astrid told him, wiggling her eyebrows at him.  
  
"I LIKE IT MORE!" Fausta told him madly, grabbing Ron's other arm and dragging him away from Astrid.  
  
"Well it's mine," Ron said, not liking where this was going, "you can't have it. You know that, right?" he glanced between the two of them uneasily.  
  
"I don't just want your spleen!" Astrid chorused, grabbing Ron's arm and trying to haul him back to her side of the classroom.  
  
"You can't have any of my internal organs!" Ron yelped, at this point he would have been covering up his body to guard his precious innards if he could have.  
  
"SHE WANTS TO SELL YOUR ORGANS ON THE BLACK MARKET!" Fausta insisted, hissing at Astrid as she clamped harder onto Ron.  
  
"Only the non-essential ones!" Astrid shot back before looking to Ron and grinning prettily, "love is about giving."  
  
"I WANT HIS ORGANS WHERE THEY ARE!" Fausta screamed.  
  
"Fausta's winning," Ron said, glancing over at her before reconsidering what he'd said, "AH! NEVER MIND! TAKE MY KIDNEYS!"  
  
"RON!" Fausta yelled, obviously deeply wounded by this, "she's manipulating you, Ron! Don't listen to her! SHE LOVES MR PEANUT!!"  
  
"I thought that was just a cute pet name," Ron looked over at Astrid, obviously deeply wounded himself. Astrid stared at him, panic in her eyes.  
  
"It was, Ron! I swear!" she paused to consider something for a moment, "you still have to get the monocle."  
  
"You don't have to get a monocle for me, Ron!" Fausta told him, shaking him violently, "I won't make you accessorize!"  
  
"I kind of like the monocle thing," Ron said slowly, glancing over at Astrid who actually blushed. And then hell froze over. And Snape twitched violently on the floor at this comment.  
  
"Noooo! Ron, you WILL love me!" Fausta hissed venomously, eyes aflame, "I WILL have your heart!"  
  
"I thought you didn't want my internal organs," Ron whimpered, edging over to Astrid ... which makes no sense at all, but that's Ron for you.  
  
"... FAUSTA EATS BABIES!" Astrid yelled for no apparent reason, grabbing Ron from the momentarily stunned Fausta and running quickly from the classroom with him.  
  
"I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND EAT YOUR SPLEEN!" Fausta shrieked, waving her wand violently in the air, "NO ONE DENIES FAUSTA DARCY!"  
  
"Can you put my spleen back?" Draco asked as if reminded by the comment about Astrid's spleen, still cuddling Mr Snuggles.  
  
"SILENCE, FOOLISH MORTAL!" Fausta yelled, "OR I SHALL TAKE THE BEAR'S SPLEEN AS WELL!"  
  
"But Mr Snuggles' spleen is very important! He's only got so many organs!" Draco cried, clutching the bear to his chest.  
  
"Isn't that sweet, our little Astrid has a boyfriend," Astrid's mother looked at her husband and smiled, "she's all grown up."  
  
* * * * *  
  
Author's Note: I know we said we were going to cut down on these, and we are, but this is too good to resist. Would you like to see Ron dressed as Mr Peanut? Even if you don't, check out Astrid's rendition of RON AS MR PEANUT!!!!!!!!!! (Even though the monocle is on the wrong side. Oh, the shame.)  
  
http://hideouspenguinboy.tripod.com/mrpeanut.jpg  
  
And if you like that, we managed to find something rather disturbing in the Weasley family photo album. Yes, this isn't Ron's first run-in with Mr Peanut. Check out Ron's Halloween costume when he was in first year. (Too bad this wasn't in the movie, eh?)  
  
http://hideouspenguinboy.tripod.com/mrpeanut2.jpg  
  
Doesn't he look pleased? Ron loves Mr Peanut! Everyone loves Mr Peanut! Okay, we'll stop with the Mr Peanut thing now.  
  
* * * * *  
  
The potions class emptied rather quickly with the ringing of the bell, and soon only Snape and Fausta remained. Both sat sullenly behind their desks, but while Snape's foul mood was slowly slipping away, Fausta's seemed to be a permanent fixture.  
  
"I've been abandoned," Fausta sighed, a chocked sob rising in her throat.  
  
"Yeah, me too," Snape nodded in agreement as he brought the now ever- present flask to his lips once again, "but ... thas okay ... yeah."  
  
"You like Astrid better than me too, don't you Professor Snape?" Fausta said, bursting into tears.  
  
"Oh, hey, no, don't cry," Snape shook his head, "no, hey ... no."  
  
"Everyone hates me!" Fausta cried, burying her face in her hands.  
  
"Thas okay. Everyone hates me and I do okay," Snape paused for a moment, his eyes floating to the ceiling, "you know, besides being all bitter and vengeful. But ... thas okay. I'm okay with that ... yeah." He took another swig.  
  
"But I'm vibrant and full of life!" Fausta protested.  
  
"No, hey, no. ... You're a bitch," Snape shook his head in protest and glanced at his flask as if considering, "but ... thas okay."  
  
"Yes, well, that's not going to change," Fausta told him rather coldly.  
  
"You know whas good?" Snape slurred, shaking the flask at Fausta.  
  
"What?" Fausta asked warily.  
  
"Inner tubes. Inner tubesare, so great," he nodded, "cos you can call it 'tubin'. ... Whatcha doin, man? ... I'm tubin'." Snape hiccoughed and giggled.  
  
"... Professor Snape, what's in that flask?" Fausta asked, arcing a brow at the very drunk professor.  
  
"... cough syrup. I've got a sore throat," Snape narrowed his eyes at her and started coughing vaguely.  
  
"... me too," Fausta agreed, wandering over to Snape's desk.  
  
"Oh, really? Okay, thas good, here," Snape said and offered her the flask. Fausta took it and sniffed at it, instantly repelled by the obvious high concentration of alcohol.  
  
"What the hell is this?" Fausta asked, somewhat repulsed.  
  
"I made it myself, yeah," Snape tapped his nose as he nodded at Fausta, "makesh everything better ... yeah."  
  
"Worth a try," Fausta shrugged and guzzled a bit of the liquid. Immediately her eyes began to tear and she began coughing violently, shaking her head.  
  
"Yeah, s'good, see?" Snape nodded cheerfully and grabbed the flask back from her.  
  
"Woooow ... Professhor Shnape, you are ... shoooo attractive," Fausta nodded, already reeling. Professor Snape didn't screw around.  
  
"That'sh what I've been trying to tell everybody!" Snape nodded heartily.  
  
"I think I've had that before," Fausta nodded, "it makesh people pretty. Ron ishoooo pretty."  
  
"Everybody likesh Ron better than me," Snape said, head falling to his desk as he began to sob.  
  
"That'sh cosh Ron ishn't an ash-hole," Fausta nodded expertly.  
  
"You wanna go tubin'?" Snape asked suddenly, "The lake ish good for ... tubin'."  
  
"Yeah, okay, thas good," Fausta nodded and the two stumbled out of the classroom, leaning on each other for support.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"I like your inner tube, Professhor Shnape," Fausta nodded keenly, "where did you get it?"  
  
"I made it, yeah," Snape told her as he rolled the massive rubber thing down the corridor, the few students left in the hallways screamed and plastered themselves up against the walls as he approached.  
  
"Wow, you're ... shoooo talented," Fausta told him, looking rather impressed.  
  
"I'm not just good at ... um ... making ... potions ... and ... more potions and stuff," Snape told her, sneering a little at the girl.  
  
"Ashtrid shaysh you're good at ... lotsh of thingsh," Fausta said cryptically, narrowing her eyes a little.  
  
"... like what?" Snape asked, too drunk to realize he would regret such a question.  
  
Author's Note: We thought it important to let everyone know that it took us over fifteen minutes to get past that little hurdle. Yes, just what IS Snape good at? Since this is a family friendly story, we're just going to let you guys be the perverts and fill in the blanks. And now, on with the story ...  
  
"She shays you're good at - oh! Hi Professhor Eichmann!" Fausta chirped happily, waving dazedly at him.  
  
"... Fausta, are you alright," Eichmann asked suspiciously, arcing a brow.  
  
"You know what, Eichmann? Screw you," Snape said, pointing a drunken finger at him, "I know when to quit, Felix. I can quit any time I want to. I just happen to like to unwind with a little tubin'. So you can just piss right off." Snape told him vehemently, glaring at him.  
  
"... have fun with the squid, Severus," Eichmann smiled pleasantly before ushering Snape off.  
  
"Me and the squid go way back!" he yelled after himself, "The squid's got more class than you'll ever have, Eichmann!" Snape paused a moment before throwing his arms around him in a hug, "I love you, man."  
  
"... ... ... don't touch me," Eichmann said finally, stepping away from Snape, who nearly fell on the floor, but righted himself at the last moment.  
  
"Felix, you are the only one who really understands me," Snape lamented, sniffling a little, "I just wish you weren't such an asshole." And with that he wandered off down the hallway with the inner tube, cursing at any students who passed him.  
  
"Wow, he ishoooo drunk," Fausta shook her head and laughed, "that musht me shoooo embarrasshing." Still shaking her head she fell drunkenly into Eichmann's arms.  
  
"..." Eichmann glanced quickly to either side, and finding himself quite alone, started off with Fausta towards the faculty lounge.  
  
"Where are we going?" Fausta asked absently, looking around until her eyes fell on Eichmann and she gasped, "Ron! Where did you come from? You finally got away from Ashtrid! Oh my god, I love you!" Fausta said and flung herself upon the Professor and laid a passionate kiss on him. Professor Eichmann, however, did nothing to correct the situation (PEEEERVEEEERT!) and simply kissed Fausta back, his hands in places we shouldn't really be talking about, cos it's a teacher-student relationship, and that's just gross.  
  
Author's Note: Yes, Fausta kissed a teacher before Astrid did. Oh, the delicious, delicious irony. - Shut up, Fausta. Let's just see who gets some hot Professor lovin' first!!!! (Astrid is now more resolute than ever to nail Snape. Blame Fausta for the increase in lewd Snape moments.)  
  
"GET YOUR PAWS OFF HER, YOU DAMN DIRTY MAN!" Astrid screamed and lunged at the dirty old Professor. Eichmann immediately released Fausta and backed away with his hands in the air.  
  
"SHE kissed ME," Eichmann told her adamantly, shaking his head as Astrid glared at him viciously.  
  
"Silence, dirty old man!" Astrid yelled, "I trust not your deceitful tongue, since it has been down Fausta's throat!" Astrid looked thoroughly disgusted.  
  
"You could TELL?" Eichmann demanded, wide-eyed (as Fausta shrieks and writhes on the floor in pain ... yes, this is all Astrid-inflicted. Muahaha. That's what you get for making jokes about Eichmann and Fausta getting together! AH HA HA HA!!!!).  
  
"Ron! Kick the dirty old man for me! I don't want to sully myself," Astrid said distastefully, ignoring Eichmann. After waiting a few moments she glanced back down the hallway, "Ron?"  
  
"Astrid! Astrid, come here!" someone whispered from a nearby broom closet. Eichmann would have exchanged strange looks with Fausta if she weren't currently winking suggestively at him.  
  
"Ron, get out here right now," Astrid yelled back at him, crossing her arms over her chest, "we haven't got time for that right now."  
  
"No, Astrid, I ... " Ron stopped and mumbled something quietly.  
  
"What was that, Ron?" Astrid asked, looking thoroughly annoyed.  
  
"I SAID I CAN'T FIND MY BLOODY PANTS!" Ron yelled out into the hallway before seeing Professor Eichmann and Fausta and turning a nice shade of red.  
  
"You don't need them," Astrid said pleasantly, motioning for him to come out.  
  
"ASTRID!" Ron yelled and slammed the closet door behind him as he resumed the hunt for his pants. Astrid turned to Eichmann with a grin and produced a pair of grey slacks from her robes, and waved them about with a grin.  
  
"He's so cute," she told Eichmann before remembering what had just transpired, "this is unacceptable, Professor McBusyHands." She shook the pants at him to illustrate her point.  
  
"... Aren't you the girl trying to nail Severus?" Eichmann asked, arcing a brow.  
  
"What of it?" Astrid asked, mirroring his curious expression.  
  
"... He's a Professor as well, you know," Eichmann said, smacking Fausta's hand away as she tried to unbutton his shirt.  
  
"Yes, well, you will note that I have not, as of yet, actually succeeding in nailing my Professor of choice. As such, you are a dirty old man, you dirty old man," Astrid told him, glaring at the Professor.  
  
"... You've got your boyfriend's pants," Eichmann said, trying to find the logic in Astrid accusing him of being perverse. Which was his big mistake - trying to figure out Astrid's logic is a HUGE mistake. It's like trying to determine the nature of the Universe. Or why Mr Peanut is just so damned sexy.  
  
"You can't have Ron's pants, you dirty old man!" Astrid told him, clutching possessively at the pants.  
  
"I'm just going to go back into my closet and pretend I didn't hear that," Ron said with a nod and did just that.  
  
"Ron jusht came out of the closhet," Fausta giggled, apparently the effects of the love potion were now wearing off in the face of Snape's more powerful booze.  
  
"I think I'll just be off now," Eichmann nodded and turned to start off down the hallway.  
  
"I'LL BE WATCHING YOU, PERVERT!" Astrid screamed after him, shaking the pants at him once again before glancing to Fausta, "Come on, Fausta. Let's get you cleaned up. We're going to need a lot of mouth wash." With that, they made their way to the Slytherin common room.  
  
"... Astrid? Astrid, are you there? ... can I have my pants back, please? ... Astrid?"  
  
* * * * *  
  
"TUUUUUBIIIIIIN'!" could be heard from the lake even in the Slytherin common room, where Fausta lay sprawled out on a couch, a puddle of drool forming on the pillow next to her.  
  
"What have you DONE to her?" Draco screamed at Astrid as he leapt to Fausta's side, and began shaking her violently, "Fausta! Fausta, speak to me!"  
  
"I just saved Fausta from lecherous Professor O'TonsilHockey," Astrid told him haughtily, never short of obscene nicknames, it seemed.  
  
"Professor O'TonsilHockey? Is he new?" Draco asked curiously, leaving Fausta alone for a few moments while he searched for Mr Snuggles within his robes.  
  
"No, you twit," Astrid sighed with exasperation, "Professor Eichmann!"  
  
"GASP!" Draco exclaimed, "I KNEW he was trouble! He's bewitched my poor Fausta!" He pulled Mr Snuggles from his robe and set him on Fausta.  
  
"No, that was me," Astrid corrected him with a sigh, "you're really not very good at this."  
  
"You bewitched Fausta to fall in love with Professor Eichmann, whom you then saved her from?" Draco asked, not quite comprehending.  
  
"Nothing that silly. I brewed a love potion to give to my Severus, but Fausta drank it instead and the first thing she saw was my poor Ronny. Then, somehow or another, she got herself sloshed and ran into Professor Eichmann, whom I guess looks a bit like Ron if you do this," Astrid screwed up her face and squinted her eyes, "anyway, she threw herself at that dirty old man, and he took FULL advantage of the situation. And I mean FULL. His hands were - " Draco quickly cut her off.  
  
"STOP!!" he screamed, covering his ears with his hands, "I get it ... and Professor Eichmann - " This time Astrid cut HIM off.  
  
"Professor Von HappyPickle," Astrid reminded him with a nod.  
  
"Right, Professor Von - WHAT?!" Draco demanded, suddenly catching on to what Astrid was saying, his blue eyes widening significantly.  
  
"Happy Pickle," Astrid nodded, wiggling her eyebrows a little.  
  
"OH GOD!" Draco yelled, covering his eyes now, "OH ... GOD!"  
  
"So, you see, I did her a tremendous service, really," Astrid nodded once again, crossing her arms over her chest.  
  
"I'm going ... to kill him ... I'm going to peel of his skin and make a dress out of it ... I'm going to tear out his eyes and make earrings," Draco mumbled to himself, eye twitching wildly.  
  
"Woah, Draco, that sounds a bit ... froofy to me," Astrid told him and wiggled her hand back and forth, "you might want to make some more manly garments out of his vital organs."  
  
"... I'm going to use this rage to kill Eichmann," he told himself and started out of the Slytherin common room, shaking violently.  
  
"Draco, wait!" Astrid called after him, looking concerned all of the sudden.  
  
"You can't stop me, Ackerley. I'm going to flay him," Draco hissed.  
  
"Oh, no, it's not that. If you see Ron, can you give these to him?" Astrid asked and tossed Ron's pants at Draco. Draco screamed and tore off out the room, leaving a significantly annoyed Astrid behind.  
  
"Honestly," she sighed and moved to retrieve the pants.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!" the entire Slytherin house was awake as the screams of fellow housemate Fausta Darcy awoke them at four in the morning.  
  
Morning Fausta!" Astrid said cheerfully, apparently she had been expecting this sort of reaction, "I hope you slept well."  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!" Fausta continued, absolutely shocked and appalled by what she remembered of last night, "I ... I didn't ... he ... he DIDN'T!"  
  
"You didn't stick your tongue down Eichmann's throat? I'm afraid you did," Astrid nodded solemnly, "look on the bright side, though. It was a mutual thing."  
  
"..." Fausta grabbed for her wand, which Astrid had thoughtfully hidden somewhere out of Fausta's reach, and so Fausta took to trying to gnaw her way through her wrists instead.  
  
"Oh, Fausta, it's not THAT bad," Astrid sighed, wand at the ready, which she flicked quickly and Fausta's hands were soon behind her back, "you THOUGHT you were kissing Ron."  
  
"..." Fausta stared at Astrid, eye twitching, as tended to happen around Astrid, it seemed.  
  
"You were drunk for that bit, at least," Astrid nodded, "the wedding dress you can't blame on that, though." She produced one of Fausta's scrolls and began pointing at all of Fausta's doodles.  
  
"... you will know pain as you have never before imagined," Fausta told her in a slow, even tone, eyes aflame, and she would have been throttling Astrid if not for the spell preventing her from moving.  
  
"Look, I didn't try to kiss you," Astrid shook her head and rolled her eyes, "and if it weren't for me, you'd be waking up in Professor Eichmann's quarters right now."  
  
"..." Fausta continued to stare at her.  
  
"I should probably stop bringing that up sometime soon," Astrid nodded to herself, before giggling, "his hands were on your ass."  
  
"... do you have a quill?" Fausta asked curiously, smiling vacantly at Astrid.  
  
"Nothing sharp for you, missy. Don't want you gouging out those pretty black eyes," Astrid chirped helpfully, "I'm on suicide watch from now on!"  
  
"... may I have a piece of paper?" Fausta tried again, as pleasantly as she could manage.  
  
"Paper cuts," Astrid shook her head firmly.  
  
"A stapler?"  
  
"No."  
  
"A hole puncher?"  
  
"No."  
  
"An eraser?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Why not an eraser?!" Fausta demanded violently, thrashing about on the couch.  
  
"You could choke on it," Astrid nodded expertly, "you're lucky I let you keep those robes; you might strangle yourself. But I figured walking about in the buff was the last thing you needed right now."  
  
"... you're a saint." Fausta stated flatly.  
  
"So, d'you want to go disembowel Eichmann? Draco wandered off to find him a little while ago, but I expect he got distracted by something shiny," Astrid told Fausta cheerfully.  
  
"... if I give you a quarter, will you suffocate me with a pillow?" Fausta asked, eyes wide with curiosity.  
  
"A quarter?" Astrid asked with interest," No! No, sorry, no." she shook her head quickly, though she still sounded quite interested in the quarter, "Nope, can't let you die yet."  
  
"Why not?" Fausta asked bitterly.  
  
"We're only seven chapters in," Astrid nodded knowledgeably and with that, began dragging Fausta off to find Eichmann.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Astrid ... it's four in the morning," Fausta grumbled, suddenly feeling very tired and very hung-over.  
  
"All the better to catch him unaware," Astrid nodded as she guided Fausta expertly towards the teacher's wing.  
  
"It hasn't occurred to you that I might not want to see Eichmann right now?" Fausta asked Astrid, mildly annoyed at her presumption.  
  
"... no." Astrid told her quite honestly and shrugged.  
  
"... oh." Fausta said, the truth was that she DID want to remove Eichmann's spleen at that moment, so she really couldn't argue with Astrid's logic, "... you know your way here quite well."  
  
"... no I don't." Astrid said, laughing somewhat nervously.  
  
"Wait, isn't that Snape's room?" Fausta asked, pointing at a random room.  
  
"No," Astrid sighed, "it's THAT one." She pointed to a room down the hallway. Fausta smirked at her. "Alright, you've made your point."  
  
"So, which one is Eichmann's room?" Fausta asked, glancing to Astrid.  
  
"It's right there," Astrid nodded, pointing to another room before quickly adding, "I think ... yeah ... " her eyes darted from one side to the either.  
  
"Oh, for the love of ... " Fausta sighed and shook her head.  
  
"I don't watch ALL the teachers," Astrid told her huffily, "just the ones who look nice in boxer sh-"  
  
"OKAY! YEAH! DON'T NEED TO HEAR THIS!" Fausta yelled quickly before deciding to change the subject, "what are we going to do, anyway?" she asked suddenly, quite curious as to what Astrid had in mind.  
  
"... well ... okay, first, we could knock on his door and when he answers it, we could shove a sack on his head and then beat him! Or, okay, we could knock on his door and when he answers we could shove a sack on his head and then drag him out to the lake and throw him in! Or, hey, wait, we could knock on his door, and when he answers we can shove a sack on his head and then we could make someone embarrassing touch HIS ass, like Draco or something," Astrid giggled and nodded.  
  
"... Astrid, d'you even have a sack?" Fausta asked, wondering why she even bothered.  
  
"... okay, okay, what we do is - "  
  
"I have never met anyone more stupid than you," Fausta told her.  
  
"I'M NUMBER ONE!" Astrid cheered, throwing her hands up in victory, "VICTOLY!"  
  
"... let's just gut Eichmann so I can go back to trying to kill myself," Fausta nodded.  
  
The two girls approached the door and Astrid pounded it, the minute it opened, she pounced on Eichmann and began punching him in the kidneys.  
  
"... hullo Astrid," he glanced down at the girl beating on his abdomen and arced a brow.  
  
"WHY! WON'T! YOU! DIE!" Astrid yelled and continued the half-assed attack on Eichmann.  
  
"Professor Eichmann, I think we need to talk," Fausta said, ignoring Astrid as she began gnawing on the Professor's kneecaps.  
  
"We certainly do, Fausta, I think you may have misinterpreted what happened last night," he told her seriously, getting to his feet once again. Astrid hopped to her feet as well and began half-heartedly kicking him in the shins.  
  
"TASTE MY FURY!" Astrid screamed and began poking him mercilessly in the stomach.  
  
"Astrid ... Astrid, stop that ... Astrid ... STOP THAT!" Fausta smacked Astrid upside the head before stepping inside the room to have a word with Eichmann.  
  
"DON'T STEP INTO HIS DEN OF FORBIDDEN PLEASURES!" Astrid screamed as Fausta slammed the door in her face. Snape popped out of his room at this opportune moment to stare at Astrid for a moment, eye twitching of course, and then disappear inside his room again to lock the door.  
  
"... Severus! Wait!" Astrid chimed and skipped off towards his door.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"So, tell me how I may have misinterpreted your actions," Fausta said coolly, giving Eichmann an expectant glance.  
  
"Well, you see, I noticed you were chocking, and so I immediately administered ... um ... no, alright, I accidentally tripped and your lips cushioned my ... er ... alright, you just seemed so attracted to me that I didn't want to rebuff your advances and hurt your ... oh, fuck it," Eichmann finally settled on that and winced a little at the look Fausta was giving him.  
  
"Yes, well, I suppose it couldn't be helped," Fausta nodded, crossing her arms over her chest, "I AM aware of how alluring I am."  
  
"... right ... right, yes," Eichmann agreed, eyes darting to either side.  
  
"However, should you not want this to reach the Headmaster, there are a few things I require," Fausta told him, only now glancing around his room, which was decked in orange and periwinkle, "first of all, burn those robes."  
  
"... burn my robes?" he asked, sounding a little hurt.  
  
"Yes. Burn them. Burn everything in this hideous, hideous room," Fausta told him, "Next, I require instruction in some of the more frowned upon curses. And lastly, I require a vacation. If I am forced to remain in this school any longer, I am quite sure I shall rot."  
  
"Excellent, I've got just the place!" Eichmann sounded a little too pleased with the prospect.  
  
"Draco will be coming along as well," Fausta said quickly, "so watch your hands. Also, Astrid and Ron will be coming along. Not because I want them too, but because I won't be able to get rid of them."  
  
"Fair enough," Eichmann shrugged, glancing towards the door, "I'll make the arrangements today and inform you once they've been finalized."  
  
"That will be all," Fausta told him and turned around, opening the door and stepping out into the hallway to find Astrid and Draco viciously smacking each other and screaming.  
  
"IT'S MY QUARTER! I FOUND IT FIRST!" Draco yelled, giving Astrid a good bop upside the head.  
  
"FINE! I'LL JUST HAVE MR SNUGGLES THEN!" Astrid said and dived for the teddy torso. Draco screamed and grabbed at Mr Snuggles, forgetting about the quarter long enough for Astrid to snatch it up.  
  
"Ha! I TOLD you it was mine," Astrid stuck her tongue out at Draco and started back towards the Slytherin common room.  
  
"I DIDN'T WANT IT ANYWAY!" Draco yelled after her and promptly began crying.  
  
"... definitely going to be killing myself," Fausta nodded and gave Draco a nice kick to the head as she passed ...  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Look at my fabulous quarter!" Astrid chanted at breakfast the next day, as she had been for the past half hour, "it's my quarter! Isn't it wonderfully shiny?"  
  
"I hate you," Draco told her sullenly, eyeing the quarter jealously.  
  
"I hate you both," Fausta assured them, wondering why she still sat with these two.  
  
"I love my quarter," Astrid added, holding the quarter high above her head.  
  
"Draco, get another quarter," Fausta said with exasperation as he began clawing at Astrid in an attempt to get the quarter.  
  
Author's Note: "Wait . shouldn't they have wizard money?" "Meh."  
  
"I bet this is the shiniest quarter I've ever seen!" Astrid said, holding it above Draco's head and sticking her tongue out at him.  
  
"Stop baiting him!" Fausta yelled, glaring at Astrid.  
  
"I'll give you my broomstick for it!" Draco said, eyes wide as he stared at the quarter.  
  
"DRACO!" Fausta yelled, staring at him, eyes wide with disbelief.  
  
"Hmmm . this quarter is just so shiny . " Astrid said, shaking her head.  
  
"I'll give you Crabbe and Goyle!" Draco said, practically foaming.  
  
"Hey!" the up-until-now silent Crabbe and Goyle chimed, looking hurt.  
  
"I don't know . " Astrid shook her head, obviously she was fishing for something.  
  
"Oh, what do you WANT, Astrid?" Fausta demanded, hoping to end this as quickly as possible.  
  
"I want you to kiss Harry," Astrid told him, grinning wildly.  
  
Author's Note: Wow. That was random.  
  
". Draco, I think you'd better do what she says," Fausta nodded vigorously, eyes quite wide.  
  
"WHAT?!" Draco demanded, staring wide-eyed at the pair of them.  
  
"I'll give you a present," Fausta said quickly, nodding vigorously, "you can come by my ROOM and pick it UP later."  
  
"Okay," Draco nodded and wandered off, presumably to go find Harry.  
  
Author's Note: Harry gets brought back into the story in the most disturbing manner possible. NOW WILL YOU STOP ASKING FOR HIM?!  
  
"So, how much are you charging for him?" Astrid asked, looking at her quarter consideringly.  
  
"What?" Fausta arced a brow, not quite comprehending.  
  
"You ARE his pimp?" Astrid asked, entirely seriously.  
  
* * * * *  
  
"GREAT BLOODY FUCK IN THE MORNING!" Harry screamed and appeared in the main hall, looking absolutely scandalised, "I'VE BEEN VIOLATED!"  
  
"I can't believe I didn't get to see that," Fausta said, hanging her head in sorrow.  
  
"Amen," Astrid nodded, grinning like the raging pervert she is.  
  
"When can I come over? Can I come over now? Can you go to your room now?" Draco asked as he reappeared at the table, a bright shade of scarlet.  
  
"God yes," Fausta said, grabbing him by the front of the robes and dragging him off towards the Slytherin common room, though odds were they wouldn't make it that far.  
  
"Ah, young love," Astrid chirped, her work done, "well, there's my good deed for the month done. Ron? Ron, com'ere boy!" she wandered off towards the Gryffindor table in search of poor Ron.  
  
"Somebody kill me . for the love of all that is holy, someone put me out of my bloody misery," Harry said, stumbling around the room, tripping over benches, bowling over students, causing general havoc.  
  
"There's the little Romeo now," Astrid chirped from her place at the Gryffindor table.  
  
"Oh, bloody hell," Ron stared at Astrid, "not him too!"  
  
"No, no Ron. Harry and DRACO," Astrid nodded before she was on the floor, twitching and gasping for air.  
  
"Harry," Ron sighed, shaking his head, "I mean, honestly. You can't do that now after having ignored her behaviour for weeks. It just isn't right."  
  
"RIGHT?! RIGHT?! SHE STOLE YOUR PANTS!" Harry screamed and the entire hall turned to look at the pair of them.  
  
"I told you that in confidence," Ron muttered through his teeth, a bright shade of red.  
  
"Uh, hi," a Hufflepuff (naturally) said, standing up, "yeah, my friends and I all saw you running down the hallway with no pants. Yeah." He paused before moving to sit down again, "Oh, by the way, cool Batman underoos."  
  
"SILENCE!" Ron screamed, turning an even brighter shade of red.  
  
"Batman is sexy," Astrid croaked from the floor.  
  
"THE DEVIL! YOU ARE THE DEVIL!" Harry screamed, pointing at her from across the room, "A PIG-TAILED DEMON RESIDES IN THAT SHELL! THE RECKONING IS COMING!" he continued before breaking off into hysterical laughter and falling to the ground twitching himself.  
  
"Astrid, you broke him," Ron pouted a little, looking over at Harry, "I liked him."  
  
"We'll get you a new one," Astrid nodded, getting up as if nothing had happened, the spell abated.  
  
"Okay," Ron said as he and Astrid wandered off towards the Gryffindor common room, presumably to do whatever Draco and Fausta were doing. COUGH COUGH!  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Well . " Fausta glanced awkwardly at Draco as they waited for the train Professor Eichmann had arranged for them that day. The two hadn't said much since . THE INCIDENT.  
  
Draco looked away and blushed.  
  
"That was . " Fausta attempted again, her mind still reeling from . THE INCIDENT.  
  
Draco looked away and blushed.  
  
"You were . " Fausta tried once more, trying to find the words to describe . THE INCIDENT.  
  
Draco looked away and blushed.  
  
"OH FOR THE LOVE OF . LOOK AT ME!" Fausta finally screamed and Draco turned back to her and stared fixedly at her . "Oh god." Fausta mumbled, looking away and blushing. Draco giggled.  
  
"Let me finish those sentences for you," Astrid said helpfully, appearing as if from the fiery gates of Hell, except with less fire and Hell, "Well . was that it? That was . pitiful. You were . disappointing."  
  
"Your accuracy astounds me," Astrid said, affecting her voice to sound like Fausta.  
  
"Have a 'little' trouble, Draco?" Astrid asked, nudging him with her elbow.  
  
"Just a 'tiny bit'," Astrid responded, now affecting her voice to sound like Draco. She sat there giggling as Ron blushed furiously behind her and Fausta and Draco stared venomously at her.  
  
Author's Note: Uh . we probably should have warned you BEFORE hand of the now R rating. Yeah, guess you figured that out. Thanks.  
  
"Onto the train we go, hurry, hurry," Eichmann said, appearing himself, as if from the fiery gates of Hell, but with actual fire this time.  
  
"Professor Eichmann . you're on fire," Draco said dumbly, staring at the professor.  
  
"Now, Draco, I heard about your little tryst with Harry, but I don't swing that way," Eichmann tried to let the boy down easily.  
  
"No, no, you're smoking," Draco said, shaking his head.  
  
"Draco, I'm flattered, really I am. But it just can't happen," Eichmann told him, trying to usher Astrid and Ron into the train compartment.  
  
"Professor Eichmann, you are being engulfed in flames," Draco said finally, glaring at the older man.  
  
". is that some kind of come on?" Eichmann asked, arcing a brow at Draco.  
  
"Get on the train yourself, you dirty old man," Astrid told him - just saying what everyone was thinking - and poking him in the ribs.  
  
"Professor Eichmann . why are you on fire?" Fausta asked as the small group finally got onto the train.  
  
"As per your instructions . " Eichmann said, trailing off a little.  
  
"You could have . taken the robe off first . " Fausta told him, wondering how she was ever seduced by this git.  
  
". riiight . be back in a moment!" Eichmann said, running off back towards Hogwarts .  
  
* * * * *  
  
"Where are we going?" Astrid asked curiously, face pressed up against the window, "I have classes. We'll be back in fifteen minutes, right?"  
  
"Since when did you care about classes?" Fausta asked, casting a sidelong glance in her direction.  
  
". where are we going? I have classes." Astrid repeated, "and a quarter." She stuck her tongue out at Draco.  
  
"I don't need your quarter, I had s-" Draco began before Fausta quickly cut him off.  
  
"DRACO! Just because Astrid chooses to divulge every detail of her -" Fausta found herself cut off.  
  
"EVERY detail?" Ron asked, looking rather worried, glancing between the two girls, "even that time we-"  
  
"I don't need to hear it again. EVERY detail." Fausta assured him, "That doesn't mean that we have to be similarly . indiscreet."  
  
". oh . um . " Draco looked a little ill.  
  
". how many people did you tell?" Fausta asked, letting her face fall into her palm.  
  
"Just a few . friends . " Draco said evasively.  
  
"But you don't have any friends Draco!" Astrid pointed out, face still pressed to the glass.  
  
"I put an announcement up on the Slytherin bulletin board. I didn't think you'd mind," Draco whimpered, "None of the boys would sit next to me after the Potter debacle. People were starting to think I was a poof."  
  
"I seem to recall someone talking about making a dress from Eichmann's skin," Astrid reminded him, once again wiggling her hand and looking at him suggestively.  
  
"What? My skin?" Eichmann asked, suddenly perking up.  
  
"Right . I forgot about that . " Draco stared viciously at the duelling professor.  
  
"Anyone want refreshments?" Eichmann asked, jumping to his feet, "should be there soon! Best go check with the conductor!" with that he took off out of the compartment, leaving the students to their own devices.  
  
"A DRESS, Draco?" Fausta said, arcing a brow at him, beginning to wonder if the others were right .  
  
* * * * *  
  
The train arrived a few hours later. Shut up. This chapter is too long. Many things happened on the train, and they soon arrived.  
  
"Wow! What an amazing train ride!" Astrid exclaimed.  
  
"Yes! I don't think I've ever heard of anything so riveting in my life," Ron agreed.  
  
"I'm sure if anyone read about our train ride, they too would be amazed!" Fausta told them.  
  
"I am forever changed," Draco nodded his agreement.  
  
"Anyway, off we go," Eichmann said, ushering them off towards a muggle taxi. The taxi ride was similarly amazing. They then arrived at a bingo hall, where Eichmann ushered the group out, and they made their way into the smoky depths.  
  
"A bingo hall?" Fausta asked, unimpressed.  
  
"Just you wait," Eichmann said with an entirely obvious giggle.  
  
"BINGO! YAAAY!" Astrid cheered, running up towards the front of the room where a man in a white mask stood overseeing the little event.  
  
"I'd like to welcome you all," he began, looking out over the crowd of white masks, "to this week's meeting of Death Eater's Anonymous."  
  
"No bingo?" Astrid asked with disappointment, before the ominous statement struck her . DUN DUN DUN!!!!  
  
Author's Note: And Chapter Seven mercifully comes to an end. And it only took us what? Months and months and months to get this together. We had to get together three times. Three times, people! So, obviously our heads are filled with dirty thoughts, so we'll just leave you here and will hopefully have Chapter Eight to you sometime before 2003. COUGH LIAR COUGH!  
  
In the next chapter, look for a very special guest appearance by GREG! THE FLAMBOYANTLY GAY DEATH EATER! (Maybe next time you'll dance, huh? Muahaha.) 


End file.
